Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
TL;DR at the end
So I haven't been active here for a while, since my PTSD symptoms have been fairly under control (relatively speaking) for a few years or so.
So, no therapy for a while. Then a couple weeks ago I took a hit of weed that hit a little too hard on my throat, and it made me cough really hard. When that happened, one of my ribs previously f*cked up during torture (which is probably why my PTSD symptoms are acting up something fierce) got tweaked pretty hard due to the wonky position I was sitting in while coughing. Kinda felt like it briefly whacked the rib above it.
I mean like, when it was first injured, that motherf*cker was shoving me HARD with his whole body weight on top of me, a look of murderous rage on his face, onto an extremely exposed L shaped corner of a thin medal bedframe. Oh, also was dropped on the bedframe from several feet up, with him landing on top of me.
It f*cked up multiple ribs, and I had a massive black bruise on my back/side. Not the worst I've had, but when it was in the late stages of healing back in the day, and my PTSD was in its fullest strength, those ribs felt like that one does now. It was like that for months after the pain subsided. Like it's just a little loose/out of place/wonky, but just a little. Minimal to no pain, it just feels weird. But it's prettily heavily bringing back my stronger PTSD symptoms.
After a few days of that rib feeling tweaked/painful (the pain is like 0.5/10 now btw), I had my first full-blown flashback in years. I mean, f*cking full blown.
First my hands started shaking for the first time in years, and I was like "ohhh fuuuuuck" almost like when you hear the train-like roar of a large earthquake coming.
The anxiety builds, the thoughts circle, and suddenly I'm right back there, dissociated from the world around me and basically just frozen, while in stillness and silence tears simply streamed down my face from my unblinking eyes. Didn't make a noise, didn't move an inch. Exactly like when the original injury happened, now that I think of it. Motherf*cker probably stopped just because I didn't show an outward reaction. Just was like "oh holy shit you just tanked that" (paraphrasing) with an impressed voice, while still pinning me down forcefully against the metal, but then he got off of me and proceeded to other activities.
Anyway, when the flashback subdued and I calmed down enough to move, I went to the bathroom and my eyes were wide as f*ck, bloodshot. Hadn't seen that look in years either.
Since then all of my symptoms have shot up from baseline. Very strong startle responses, hypervigilance even higher than normal, panic attacks, dissociation, loads of physical anxiety symptoms, etc. I've been dissociating over and over and over, just that blanking-out and kinda reliving shit I guess, or just not being there. My body is often physically tensed now.
No Full-Ass Turbo Extreme Flashbacks
since, but still. It's like I got hit by a train of PTSD bullshit and am still kinda reeling.
Anyway, I've been rambling - anyone else been in this boat, where some shit you thought had long since been put to rest claws itself from the grave after some random shit you didn't even realize was a massive trigger? I mean like, I thought I had reprocessed this shit and here it is whacking me in the face again. I feel like a f*cking spaz, so f*cking keyed up when I'm not dissociating.
I mean, this is sorta how I was like for like a year or two after the torture (and the mountain of other shit), just a little toned down.
I have a psychiatrist still, but haven't felt the need for a therapist for years. Feels like years of progress just vanished.
TL;DR: Had an unexpected trigger and got sent back to a state I haven't been in for years, and it's kinda sticking. Anyone else? Any tips? I let myself get a little rusty at managing this shit.
So I haven't been active here for a while, since my PTSD symptoms have been fairly under control (relatively speaking) for a few years or so.
So, no therapy for a while. Then a couple weeks ago I took a hit of weed that hit a little too hard on my throat, and it made me cough really hard. When that happened, one of my ribs previously f*cked up during torture (which is probably why my PTSD symptoms are acting up something fierce) got tweaked pretty hard due to the wonky position I was sitting in while coughing. Kinda felt like it briefly whacked the rib above it.
I mean like, when it was first injured, that motherf*cker was shoving me HARD with his whole body weight on top of me, a look of murderous rage on his face, onto an extremely exposed L shaped corner of a thin medal bedframe. Oh, also was dropped on the bedframe from several feet up, with him landing on top of me.
It f*cked up multiple ribs, and I had a massive black bruise on my back/side. Not the worst I've had, but when it was in the late stages of healing back in the day, and my PTSD was in its fullest strength, those ribs felt like that one does now. It was like that for months after the pain subsided. Like it's just a little loose/out of place/wonky, but just a little. Minimal to no pain, it just feels weird. But it's prettily heavily bringing back my stronger PTSD symptoms.
After a few days of that rib feeling tweaked/painful (the pain is like 0.5/10 now btw), I had my first full-blown flashback in years. I mean, f*cking full blown.
First my hands started shaking for the first time in years, and I was like "ohhh fuuuuuck" almost like when you hear the train-like roar of a large earthquake coming.
The anxiety builds, the thoughts circle, and suddenly I'm right back there, dissociated from the world around me and basically just frozen, while in stillness and silence tears simply streamed down my face from my unblinking eyes. Didn't make a noise, didn't move an inch. Exactly like when the original injury happened, now that I think of it. Motherf*cker probably stopped just because I didn't show an outward reaction. Just was like "oh holy shit you just tanked that" (paraphrasing) with an impressed voice, while still pinning me down forcefully against the metal, but then he got off of me and proceeded to other activities.
Anyway, when the flashback subdued and I calmed down enough to move, I went to the bathroom and my eyes were wide as f*ck, bloodshot. Hadn't seen that look in years either.
Since then all of my symptoms have shot up from baseline. Very strong startle responses, hypervigilance even higher than normal, panic attacks, dissociation, loads of physical anxiety symptoms, etc. I've been dissociating over and over and over, just that blanking-out and kinda reliving shit I guess, or just not being there. My body is often physically tensed now.
No Full-Ass Turbo Extreme Flashbacks
since, but still. It's like I got hit by a train of PTSD bullshit and am still kinda reeling.Anyway, I've been rambling - anyone else been in this boat, where some shit you thought had long since been put to rest claws itself from the grave after some random shit you didn't even realize was a massive trigger? I mean like, I thought I had reprocessed this shit and here it is whacking me in the face again. I feel like a f*cking spaz, so f*cking keyed up when I'm not dissociating.
I mean, this is sorta how I was like for like a year or two after the torture (and the mountain of other shit), just a little toned down.
I have a psychiatrist still, but haven't felt the need for a therapist for years. Feels like years of progress just vanished.
TL;DR: Had an unexpected trigger and got sent back to a state I haven't been in for years, and it's kinda sticking. Anyone else? Any tips? I let myself get a little rusty at managing this shit.
