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General When You Don't See The Little Victories
- Post starter dougd
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amethist
VIP Member
Hi dougd
The baby steps forward a sufferer takes are important to them dougd, we have to learn to see them. Even if it is only a small one that we would take for granted ourselves, it can seem like a major achievement to them.
At one time last year, having our back door open and going to put the rubbish in the bin in our back garden was a moment to notice. To us who do not suffer this would probably be a "So what" moment, but to him it was an achievement. From not being even able to open the door on most days, to go out side when on his own was a huge step forward. Now it's back to being the norm almost everyday.
It is a skill we have to learn, seeing them do something that they have struggled with in the past, but which was then done without thinking needs to be noticed to help build their confidence and self esteem back up. It can also help them notice that they are recovering and moving forward.
May seem small and insignificant to us, but to them it is like walking on the moon. You don't need to go into party mode, just a comment is usually enough, for them to see you do notice.
Amethist
The baby steps forward a sufferer takes are important to them dougd, we have to learn to see them. Even if it is only a small one that we would take for granted ourselves, it can seem like a major achievement to them.
At one time last year, having our back door open and going to put the rubbish in the bin in our back garden was a moment to notice. To us who do not suffer this would probably be a "So what" moment, but to him it was an achievement. From not being even able to open the door on most days, to go out side when on his own was a huge step forward. Now it's back to being the norm almost everyday.
It is a skill we have to learn, seeing them do something that they have struggled with in the past, but which was then done without thinking needs to be noticed to help build their confidence and self esteem back up. It can also help them notice that they are recovering and moving forward.
May seem small and insignificant to us, but to them it is like walking on the moon. You don't need to go into party mode, just a comment is usually enough, for them to see you do notice.
Amethist
- Moderator
- #3
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Hi dougd
My way of approaching this would be asking your wife to tell you every time she has a success and what it was (due to not fully being able to understand her illness and the limitations it has had on her) and that way you will learn as well as be able to share in her success with her. I think what you said here is pertinent to tactfully say to her - because the accomplishments she makes are things you do normally every day you don't look at them from her point of view and may not have even known about her struggle with some common things. If she shares with you then you can share her joy with her. Tell her you are proud of her that she can see that she is making progress when having this talk and tell her that her happiness with her progress is just as important to you as the progress itself so if you miss something you are happy for her to point it out to you.
Good luck
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
It does get a bit tricky sometimes. I cannot say I am always 100% aware, but that is, in large part because I don't feel I get a lot of feed back.
I try hard to do 2 things in general. I think of them as acknowledgment and checking in.
I do try to acknowledge things that I think may have been hard or times when she has participated in things that I think maybe she would rather not have. Simple "thank you for......"(maybe accompanying me somewhere), or "I appreciate ..............."(maybe something as simple as helping around the house)or "I really enjoyed being with you when we.......".
By checking in, I mean I try to at least every day, say something that shows my interest. I can't just say "Tell me how you are feeling with the PTSD" every day. So I try to approach it from various angles. "Can you share how you feel about....." or "you seem down, are you OK?" or "The grandkids were really a handful, was it getting to you?" Open ended questions that don't paint her into a corner. For example, I don't use the "Are you OK?" a lot when she is down because if she is not then that can make her feel she has to say yes or no as opposed to a question that gives her the opportunity to explain or share. This is not something you can force, however.
My wife has not had big blow ups but that is because she holds everything in. I know it must be painful when your wife says some things about you not supporting her but I guess I tend to look at things from all sides. At least she IS trying to share how she feels. It may come out as anger and could be communicated better if she didn't have PTSD, but she is trying to ask for you help, as I see it. Share that she needs your support.
Seems trivial for me to say, but hang in there. Try to not take it too personally if possible. For me, the sting is a little less if I can feel I understand the emotions behind it. This is very hard!
ISH
I try hard to do 2 things in general. I think of them as acknowledgment and checking in.
I do try to acknowledge things that I think may have been hard or times when she has participated in things that I think maybe she would rather not have. Simple "thank you for......"(maybe accompanying me somewhere), or "I appreciate ..............."(maybe something as simple as helping around the house)or "I really enjoyed being with you when we.......".
By checking in, I mean I try to at least every day, say something that shows my interest. I can't just say "Tell me how you are feeling with the PTSD" every day. So I try to approach it from various angles. "Can you share how you feel about....." or "you seem down, are you OK?" or "The grandkids were really a handful, was it getting to you?" Open ended questions that don't paint her into a corner. For example, I don't use the "Are you OK?" a lot when she is down because if she is not then that can make her feel she has to say yes or no as opposed to a question that gives her the opportunity to explain or share. This is not something you can force, however.
My wife has not had big blow ups but that is because she holds everything in. I know it must be painful when your wife says some things about you not supporting her but I guess I tend to look at things from all sides. At least she IS trying to share how she feels. It may come out as anger and could be communicated better if she didn't have PTSD, but she is trying to ask for you help, as I see it. Share that she needs your support.
Seems trivial for me to say, but hang in there. Try to not take it too personally if possible. For me, the sting is a little less if I can feel I understand the emotions behind it. This is very hard!
ISH
Mine is VERY verbal about her little victories. But sometimes she is very quiet about them, and those are very important. And sometimes I miss them and she'll blow up at me after a couple months for not recognizing any of the changes she's made or any of that ... and it makes me realize that I need to actually recognize her for them, not just recognize them and go on with the next day.
Lucycat
Sponsor
As a sufferer I don't expect my other half to see my victories. I tell him, and then hope I get an appropriate response. This is all I ask; I know he is not a mind reader!
I actually feel it more important what people who know nothing of what I am going through notice. They have seen the physical changes in me, and I know deep inside that these differences all relate to changes in my mind- my thinking- my attitude to life.
Well done dougd for caring enough to investigate, explore and educate yourself. Thank you from every sufferer!
I actually feel it more important what people who know nothing of what I am going through notice. They have seen the physical changes in me, and I know deep inside that these differences all relate to changes in my mind- my thinking- my attitude to life.
Well done dougd for caring enough to investigate, explore and educate yourself. Thank you from every sufferer!
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