Where Am I Going?

[Ian Vp]

I have been suffering from PTSD for some time, hazard of my work, and became aware of it in September last year.

I have been seeing a psychologist since September and have been seeing a Psychiatrist at the Army repatriation clinic, ( I am not in the armed service), and I am trying to get on a 10 week course that they run to better equip myself to deal with PTSD. I live four and a half hours from the city and travel there every week for treatment.

Last week I was traveling to the city and the exhaust on my car fell in half and I had to use a coat hanger to wire it up so that it wasn't dragging on the road. I was running late by this stage and was driving faster to make back the time. While I was driving I couldn't switch my mind off and new that the faster I drove the more likely my exhaust was going to fly off. I got to my appointment with 2 minutes to spare with a Psychiatrist I hadn't met before and I was pretty agitated and couldn't stop my legs from shaking at a rapid rate.

He started talking about admitting me as an inpatient at the hospital and I cant express how much I don't want to do that. He told me that he could admit me against my will but thought that I wasn't in that category at the moment. He wanted me to consider spending a minimum of 2 weeks as an inpatient. He made another appointment for the 25th of March and told me to pack my bags and have them ready for the next visit.

I spoke to my wife that night and was expecting her to be against the idea but she thought that I should consider it. I spoke to my Psychologist and she understood my feelings but also thought I should be open to it. I know that I need help and I am on medication etc but I cant get my head around being admitted for a minimum of 2 weeks in that place. I feel like the bit of sanity and stability I have managed to hang onto would be lost in that place.

Probably like a lot of people I suffer from nightly nightmares and don't sleep very well. I don't go out a lot and cant answer the phone unless I know who is calling. I live next door to where I work and hide any time I see someone from work. I have my boss at my local level wanting to know when I will be back at work and what improvement there has been and I don't have much to tell him. I don't know what to do.

There are so many things that I do not have any control over and I don't know which way to go. I do not want to ever go back to where I was a few months ago and would choose to pursue a different line of work for the sake of my family.

I want to get better and I know that I am not yet. I still relive many scenes both day and night and have had a headache for over a year and would very much like for that to change but I feel like being admitted to hospital would be too much.

Has anyone out there been admitted to hospital and can they tell me what it is like?

I don't understand why most of the people around me think that it is a good idea. I am not always that agitated. They said that I haven't been making significant improvement and want to be able to better monitor me and change my medication.

I am petrified of going in there and the Psychiatrist said a minimum of 2 weeks. It could be more. I am sorry if this is a very long thread and I don't know if it is in the correct format and I hope it is ok. I just need to hear some ideas from people who have some experience with PTSD. Obviously I have a different view of things than those around me. Thx.

 

[Zemi]

Hi Ian,

I read through what you shared and wondered how things went with you. Now nearly May ... did you end up going to hospital or did that situation pass? Wondering how things are for you now .... also understand the being petrified at the thought of it all

 

[Ian Vp]

Hi Zemi,

I didn't get admitted and am still trying to get onto the course at the army repatriation clinic. I thought the Pscyiatrist had dropped the idea but only last week said that the option of admitting me was still on the table. I have not improved much and they are still playing around with my medication.

I am trying to read as many posts on this forum as I can to try and work out what is going on. The few people I come into contact with all have a different perspective on what is happening to me ie my employer, work cover, my psycologist, psyciatrist, my union. They all have different interests and timelines in my treatment.

None of that necesarily means that I know which way is up and the harder I try and fight against what is happening to me the more confused I get.

I am coming to accept what PTSD is. I havent yet come to accept what PTSD has meant for me. Thanks for replying, you are the first one. I was starting to think that what I had written must have beenlly out there because every other topic had at least a few replys.

Hope you get what you need from the forum.

 

[revelry]

I think that if "getting admitted" is going to cause you MORE anxiety, then maybe it's NOT a good idea. It may be more benificial for you if your ready for it, embracing it, with the hopes of gaining some good from it. Being terrifed of the idea, isn't a good way to approch it.

Maybe you should weigh the pros and cons of it, and then, if you decide that you want to TRY, maybe make sure that you have the option of leaving, if it causes you more stress.

 

[Zemi]

Hi Ian, it would be nice if in amongst their interests the main one would be getting you the help and support you need. Even if they have different ideas (which often seems to be the case), hopefully that is their ultimate goal. Is the main goal of possibly admitting you to get you stabilised on medication? and what happened to the 10 week course you mentioned? I like revelrys suggestion about thinking of the pros and cons and seeing if that makes a difference with how you think about a possible stay.

 

[Ian Vp]

Hi Revelry and Zemi. Yeah I have thought about all the posibilities with being admitted and dont like the idea of completely giving up all my indepenance by being admitted as an inpatient. The idea of being an inpatient is to better montor me and adjust my medication until they get it right, or at least better. I havent been making the progress that the Dr's would have liked. The course is a 10 week PTSD course run by the Army repatriation clinic that has been slightly adjusted for my work. They only run it every two months and you only get one chance to do it so they want to be certain that I can handle the content of the course and that I dont cause any distress to myself or other people on the course.

I was asked by the Psyciatrist if I would refuse being admitted voluntarily and I said that I probably would. He told me that I could be admitted as an involuntary patient if he deemed it necesary but that at that stage he did not believe that I fitted the criteria for involuntary. I am a policeman and we regularly get jobs to attend to assist with locating an involuntary patient etc and the last thing that I want is for me to end up being a "job" for the Heidleberg divisional van. I have been told it is not like that but what happens if I do want to go out and leave the grounds because Im not coping.

Probably like a lot of people I havent wanted to tell many people what is happening to me and the last thing I want is it broadcast across Melbourne where I know a lot of Police men and women. That is probably taking it to an extreme but that is my only experience with mental health patients through work.

I have a few appointments in Melbourne this week and have to see the Police Medical Officer so that they can determine if I am fit for duty or not, everyone I am seeing is leaning heavily towards not. Then I have to see the Psyciatrist from the PTSD course to see if I can convince him to put me on the next course. Again, when I mentioned it to my psycologist she good naturedly giggled which to me means it is likely going to be no. The course is not a cure but gives you tools with which to cope with symptoms of PTSD and find which way is up.

I am trying to be open to anything but the inpatient thing doesnt sit well with me. Maybe I need to toughen up and just do it. Like going to the gym, push myself a bit harder. I was trying to keep pushing on at work for over a year with severe PTSD and I now regret it. So after that ramble, I hope I have explained myself a bit.

 

[Reclusive]

I haven't been in an inpatient facility, but my fiance has a few times. He says they're pretty low-key. You see a counselor and a psychiatrist daily, who are working TOGETHER on your case, and they have classes and groups you can attend voluntarily or not, depending on how you're doing and where you are in what you're doing. He said it can get pretty boring sometimes, though.

I'll be perfectly honest with you. If I knew my fiance wouldn't fall apart and my cats wouldn't end up eating his expired corpse, I'd admit myself. After so much juggling, and monitoring and controlling and being careful and avoiding things.....

I had my gallbladder removed a year or two ago and I think the hospital stay might have been the best time of my life. Everyone in my life was forced to back the f*ck off and leave me alone. I was living with my dad at the time, so I knew the house was taken care of and I think it's the only time I've ever relaxed. I'll take some irresponsibility and boring right about now.

Oh! And if you admit voluntarily, you can leave voluntarily, too, so you can always change your mind.

 

[revelry]

Ian,
Is there any possibilty that you could tour the facility?? Try to get a better feel for it, but you make any commitments? Maybe meet some of the people there that will be working with you?
btw, be careful with "pushing yourself harder" there is a fine line there between pushing "through" something and creating more stress for yourself.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I do not like hospitals. I have been in a few times. It is not a good place in my opinion. I would panic at night and want to get out. When other patients had to be restrained, I would freak out and want to help them. The food was awful.

The counselors were pretty nice on the whole but I did not feel safe there.

There was a lot of noise and smells, too, like cleaning chemicals.

Weekends were bad because boredom sets in. Other patients were nice but sad. Gloomy places. It made me feel more hopeless and realized that all the work is done out side the hospital.

This is not to say it is not needed at times. If I were to get suicidal then I would go back. If I were in active flashback and throwing things in public places, I would go back. If I had not slept for 5 nights and was about to self harm in a big way I would go back. So I am not opposed, but only in life or death situations.

Just my opinion!

 

[Ian Vp]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

I had appointmentments with my team of mindbenders this week and basically if I dont go in voluntarily they are going to keep tightening the screws till I do go in. So, I have decided to go in but just working a few things and organising my family to have support.

I dont mind seeing the psycologists etc but it is all the down time in the evening that I will be spending with myself for at least two weeks. I am trying to think of as many things that I can take down with me to keep me occupied and distracted

Reclusive - yeah I hear you about going in voluntarily and that is why I am agreeing to go in, so that I can still leave if I need to.

Revelry, thanks I know that I cause my own stress sometimes and that never helps. I have 104 weeks from the time that I first went on sick leave to get back to work. That seems like a long time but I am coming up to 25 weeks on leave. I am trying to balance things out and I now know from reading other peoples posts that you cannot rush recovery from PTSD but I am constantly trying to do everything calmly, thoughtfully, patiently .....and get it all going by tomorrow.

Okradlak, I dont see it as a safe place either. No positive, cosy, personal feelings to the place and I know that is just the way they are which is fine when I only have to go there for an appointment but 2 weeks is going to be a mission.

Thanks for eveyone's input, hopefully I will have access to the internet while I am there, if not I will talk to you all when I get to the other side.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Good luck! Try to get some ear plugs to take because they will be a life saver. They will help you sleep at least!!

I hope it goes well. Yes, two weeks is not too bad. You can make it.We will be there with you in a way! :)

 

[revelry]

Ian, try to find out if you have internet access, maybe you could bring a laptop, or use one of their computors if available. Try to clear it with them first as to whether or not you can have access to this forum. It may help you to know that you can come here, if things get furry.