Where Do I Start?

[help...]

I need help!

 

[help...]

I've been suffering with depression for lets say most of my life. As a child i was sexually abused by all the male role models in my life.. whether they were family or not. I'm 25 now and I thought I was dealing with it. I thought that it wasnt affecting my life. but I think I was wrong.

I've been seeing councellors and shrinks most of my life and I don't believe they're helping me. I tried antidepressants, but I don't know. I guess I don't think they're for me either. I'm a self mutilator. I so badly wish I wasn't.. but I guess they way I see it is, if I can feel pain I should be abe to see it. I sleep 14 to 16 hours a day. I don't want to do anything anymore. I used to be a binge drinker, only on my weekend off. Now I'm drinking everyday.. what's wrong with me. Why do I feel like this? How do I make the pain go away? How do I start caring about myself?

Why do bad things and peope find me? Did I do something seriously wrong in a previous life or something? How can I find someone or something that will make me stop feeling like this... I don't want to die, some days I do. But I'm scared that one day I'm going to go to far.

Last night I was soo drunk that when I got home, I left a msg for my friend saying I was sorry and took 10 panadeine forte tablets, yet I'm still bloody here. A few months ago I drank a bottle of bourban, took 24 panadol, a shit load of ibrophen and phanergan, put on my favourite dress and thought that I would never wake up. But I did and ended up very sick. You'd think I woudn't try it again right? Am I just an attention seeker? What is my problem? How do I fix this?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum :)

I do not think you are an attention seeker. You seem to be trying to find ways to get help. To show that you are hurting. And using alcohol to self-medicate yourself. Everything you talked about I can relate too, so you aren't alone there.

I have to ask. Why do you think therapist aren't helping you? That medication isn't for you? It might be a communication problem. Maybe you aren't always honest with them..maybe trying to ignore it. I did the same thing, that's why I ask.

 

[help...]

I don't believe that talking about my past is helping me. I'm not afraid to tell people what happened. Plus they have stupid "exercises" that I don't believe do anything to help. The medication, it seems fake.. I don't want something that makes me feel something or makes me not feel something. It's all in my head, I need it out...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's all in my head, i need it out...

If you don't talk, how will you get it out?

Sometimes I don't like taking my medication either. I dislike that it changes the way I think, I don't like having to depend on it to feel normal.

Have you done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Common therapy but its meant to kind of rebuild you. Its helped me see myself in a more positive light. Exercise helps with depression. You have ever right to say you don't want to take medication, there are other alternatives.

 

[help...]

I do talk, I talk so much that one of my friends told another that she's sick of hearing it that I need to get over it. Obviousy we're not friends anymore. Is there such a thing as normal? And who has the right to decide this? Never heard of that therapy thing? Do you trust it?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I asked my therapist about being normal. He asked what reality really is. :)

It took a lot of work on my therapist part, to get me to trust it and him. I told him right out that I do NOT trust people easily. I am starting to trust him now...and other very close people in my life.

 

[pi314159]

I'm sorry to hear things are't going well.

Sometimes it feels as though therapy and medication aren't working but you just can't notice the difference. How long were you on medication? How long have you seen the same therapist?

When you talk about your feelings are you still trying to deny/hide how you actually feel about your trauma? Your brain may still not actually be accepting what happened to you.

I'm sorry your friend made a comment about listening to you. I'm always happy to listen so feel free to send me a message if you ever want to talk.

Good luck and remember there are plenty of people on here who want to help you.

 

[help...]

I know the feeling of not trusting people. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But when push comes to shove I automatically think the worst of them. I don't know if I'm still in denial? How does anyone know these things?

I'm not very good at doing things that other people want, so I was on medication for about 3 months. Also I only saw the same therapist for about 3 sessions and then I would change or make excuses as to why I couldn't make the sessions. I don't know why I do these things. All I know is I seem to have an excuse for everything. I even have excuses for the people that have done these things to me.

Out of all of this, the one person I resent, the one person I blame for all of this... For rejecting me, for not protecting me, for taking their side over mine, and stopping me from putting my step father in jail, is my mother. I just can't seem to get past it, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I wish she was dead. They took away my childhood. Do they have any idea what they have actually done to my life. How different i may have been if none of this had happened.

Now every day I have to look at them, be polite to them.. Act as though nothing has happened. They've turned me into this sour, bitter bitch that I am. They wonder why I do the things I do. They have absolutely no idea what they have taken away from me. Because of them I will never have a normal life, never be able to handle certain things the way other people do. And they don't give a crap...

Sorry way off track.. Thanks for the support, its nice to know that there are people that can handle hearing these things. And people that actually believe me, that dont think i just want attention or something. And people that wont abandon me, because they can't handle me.

 

[Srain]

How do I make the pain go away? How do I start caring about myself?

You started by coming here.

Sound trite??? It's not.

I don't think you are an attention seeker either. You sound very much like me...I was abused by my father, raped shortly after, beat up, raped later, I drank and tried what you did with pills countless times, stuck my head in a gas oven, on and on and kept coming to!! Why??? I don't know except I finally realized mine was going to be a loooooooong sloooooooow death of endless attempts.

My 'friends' gave up on me too. I had lost EVERYONE...nobody wanted to drink with me because they knew it would end with me either fighting with someone or fighting with myself and yet another attempt. You are here..

You are worth saving is all. Your symptoms are those of PTSD and the lies it's telling you is that reaching out and getting a professional trauma therapist who will work with you will not help. That's a lie. If you are ready and open to it, you will find the way out of the pain, it's there.

Take good care of yourself,
peace,
Rain