Relationship Where Do We Go From Here?

[Try]

I have been in the relationship off and on for almost three years. I am still no further forward. He was open from the start explaining he had PTSD and what had attributed to it (combat/abuse/family issues) however I had no real understanding of what this might entail.

We started off being very physical and now I'm lucky if I get a peck on the cheek, he keeps me at arms length constantly and goes nuclear if I so much as talk to friends of his-usually female. In one such scenario I struck up a close friendship with a female friend of his which has been an ongoing bone of contention for him and is regularly thrown up in arguments that I have 'no respect' for him because of this.

I have met his parents for a total sum of ten minutes in three years-there has been no family meals or outings as I have been excluded. He has not met my parents as they live some 15 miles from our home town and he does not like to go too far from home. He drinks heavily and isolates himself when he does so, if there is anything on his mind at the time I am in the firing line, this can be phone calls or texts at any time of day and will invariably be to tear me off a strip for my part in any disagreement we may have had.

I am on eggshells constantly as even though I try my hardest he will find fault in the slightest thing and end the relationship (over ten times in three years) When he does so he will drink and message me to instigate a conversation and because i love him tremendously, i will always go back. He refuses to get help and I can see him deteriorate before me and I am powerless to do anything. I have been there as much as I can and have listened to him endlessly talk about the traumas he has seen, I have wiped his tears and hidden drink away from him. He will watch things over and over again, this can be anything from something specifically military related or something he feels impassioned about.

Even though I was forewarned that he suffers from this condition, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for and I'm ashamed to say that it is only really now I recognise it is this that is affecting us and now that we're no longer really a couple (he called it off a month ago and I've seen him since for meals and drinks) I am researching it as much as possible.

I have found that he is at his best when I take control, i.e. turning up on base to take him out or doing something on spec as if I give him a heads up he will think of an implausible excuse as to why he can't do something. I am exhausted with the ups and downs of the past three years and am at the point where I need to accept this for what it is or walk away.

My family and friends are concerned for my health as I'm suffering with depression myself (he is unaware) and have started drinking more to cope with it all, I am a single mother too (not his child) and my son has noticed the change albeit gradual. I'm not sure what else I can do to help him or sustain us. Today we met after a week of messaging and phone calls following a particularly heated argument last weekend. To start it was pleasant and just before we left the restaurant he brought up about the argument and what he thought caused it (me talking to a female friend of his) and it kick started it again. So we're back to square one.

Although we have messaged since I know we're on the precipice again and I have suggested time out and meet in the week. He has agreed but already I know he will pull out. I don't know if it is worth continuing or whether I should leave him to it once and for all.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am a sufferer.

I don't recommend anyone be in a relationship with someone who has untreated PTSD. Of course there are exceptions to that, but i think 3 years is enough time to see if things are going to change. I think you need to determine if you can live with him from now on just as he is. If he's not seeking treatment, things aren't likely to get much better.

I know you love him, but love isn't enough to keep things afloat. I wish you the best.

 

[Try]

Thank you-I appreciate your honesty. You have confirmed what I have been suspecting for some time. I might add also that his remaining natural parent has developed a serious illness and naturally he is consumed with this and though I have tried to be a support to him I am seen as a hindrance and advice and support given are rebuffed.

The times we have spilt I have told him not to contact me and he invariably will after a few days usually after drinking heavily asking me to pick him up from wherever he is. It's this I'm worried about, if I withdraw completely what will happen when he gets in that zone and I'm not there to help him? It makes me sick with worry.

He talked of suicide last week when he called me drunk from the base and I wasn't able to collect him as I had my son with me, the line then went quiet and I later found he'd passed out. He won't get help as it will affect his career he is due to join an elite force in September some 80 miles from our home town. It makes me shudder to think of how he will cope being front line again

 

[Bilby]

He needs help - desperately - but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this. He needs to want it for himself.

You are being treated very badly - this is not fair to you, or to your son. For this to be affecting you to the point where you are drinking, you have depression etc, is just not on. It also sounds as though he is very controlling.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, but I would really be questioning exactly what it is that you are getting out of this relationship, and how healthy this is for your son.

 

[Try]

When he is himself he is the sweetest most sensitive man I know, he is thoughtful and though, not often can be romantic. However this does not happen very often and today for example I have heard nothing from him at all, I know he is having various medical tests including blood pressure which was significantly high enough to warrant wearing a monitor for 48 hours this week and I said I would keep out of his way while this is happening so I can't be implicated as the cause.

As we don't live together he has little contact with my son although my son has seen him drinking and isn't happy about it. My own situation is that last week I hit rock bottom and drank myself silly and broke down in front of my son-I'm not proud of it but I haven't drunk in a week and it was a turning point.

It was a year ago to the day I was attacked and sexually assaulted and I'd told my partner of this and no support was forthcoming. It has been so helpful to come on here and see that there are others in this situation. I will try and speak to him this week about what to do next but it's a case of me knowing what I should do but because of my feelings got him make it difficult for me to see it through

 

[discarded]

If you were to take a step back, read what you have written and view it as reading what a friend had written, what would you say to them? Having been a supporter for many years to my husband of 28 years (now ex) I feel your pain and confusion over what is the best thing to do. You have lost sight of your own self worth and importance and are focusing on him and what you may lose here. You have already lost so much all ready, you have given and given for very little in return. It is time to focus on yourself and your own health and well being and that of your son. While your boyfriend continues without treatment things will not get better and his transferring to an elite unit will not help the situation. It may put him in his comfort zone of familiar military surroundings but in the long run will probably only add to his trauma.

It took for me to hit rock bottom with my own depression to finally realise I could not help my husband, not on my own anyway. He did not want help or treatment and although I tried very much to help him he shut me out. I love this man, he fathered my four children, we had many happy years together before his PTSD developed from military deployments. Leaving him was the toughest decision I have ever made and after 9 months I am realising it was the right one. It has been hard and I have very little support around me. I will always care for him and I am always concerned for his well being, but he is not my responsibility and neither is your partner your responsibility.

He may not want to get help but you can get help for yourself. Don't let PTSD claim both of you. My thoughts are with you. Us supporters need to be here for each other. Take care.

 

[Try]

Thank you discarded; this has helped me greatly.

I know he will not change and this seemingly endless circle of making up and breaking up will see me lose more years hoping he will see sense. My friends in particular are at their wits end with this as they see me constantly affected by him-however they are ignorant to his condition.

I have alluded to what I'm up against but they see it as a total fear of commitment on his part. It's not my place to broadcast his mental health and I wouldn't have stuck it out so long if I'd have thought he was a lost cause-far from it. At the moment I'm not helping him or myself and I think the best thing I can do in light of sharing this with others is to withdraw from it before the situation worsens

 

[Try]

Just to update on this-I kept to my word and left him to it for a few days and sent a text earlier arranging to meet later as agreed on Sunday however I was told in no uncertain terms that it is goodbye and the grounds are that he has received a caution from the military police for smoking in his room and his ill parent is particularly unwell and his friends haven't bothered with him in a year.

I am to pass the message on to them to say thanks for 'being there' during 'his worst year'. The fact that he has pushed everyone away and has been oblivious to whats going on in others' lives appears seemingly irrelevant. However I was informed I'm the only person he's replied to and I shouldn't take it personal.

Having read a few more threads and how PTSD should not be deemed as the sole reason for unacceptable behaviours, I think it's fair to say now I can do no more for this man. Ordinarily I would say ok I'm here if you need me but that seems to foster his behaviour. He sent me a picture of the arrest form-as if to say here, the whole world us against me. I'm going to try and be strong and to let him get on with it, is that selfish? My thoughts and feelings have long gone unnoticed as far as he's concerned

 

[Bilby]

'm going to try and be strong and to let him get on with it, is that selfish? My thoughts and feelings have long gone unnoticed as far as he's concerned

Try, I'm so very sorry. But to answer your question, no, it is absolutely not selfish. You need to focus on yourself and your son. You have been treated very badly by this man, who is unwilling to seek help for himself. His disrespect towards you and your son has been affecting your health, and considering that he was unable to provide you with the support you needed (and should expect) when you were assaulted, you do not owe him anything. It is absolutely time to focus on yourself, to get your own life in order, and back on a path to health and happiness. Remember, you deserve health and happiness, not to be living as you have done.

 

[Try]

Thank you for your support Bilby-I am beginning to realise this, he has messaged me since saying I don't know the half of it and he had no intention of contacting me despite agreeing to meet today a few days ago, I am apparently just thinking of myself.

I have asked that he not contact me any more at all. I sincerely hope he doesn't as I am intending to stay sober and strong so I don't contact him.

 

[Bilby]

Well, you know what? It IS time to think of yourself and I think you're doing the right thing by putting yourself first. He's obviously trying to be nasty in saying that to you, but the thing is, focussing on yourself is what you really need to do right now and there's nothing to apologise for there.

Use this forum for support in the days ahead, ok?

B x

 

[Try]

Thank you x I think I will need to as I know he will be drinking this week at some point and despite my asking him not to, I'm sure I will be in the firing line at some stage.

Your support is greatly appreciated: my friends don't even want to hear his name x