Relationship Where Do We Go From Here?

[Try]

Today I was feeling much more confident in my way of thinking, that was until I got an email from him saying no hard feelings, I just wanted us to be happy and we shouldn't have done that (argued) to each other the other weekend, he is struggling to cope at home and take care.

Considering yesterday he'd assured me he wouldn't contact me any more then he did today just about sums up the past three years-he says one thing and does the exact opposite. I have not replied as didn't want to encourage a dialogue but I am so tempted if only to vent my feelings but I know it will be fruitless.

I don't know if it was force of habit or if he was genuinely closing the door. Are they genuinely oblivious to anyone else's feelings? I intend to maintain my silence as it is almost 2 weeks since I had a drink and I don't want to get into that cycle again

 

[nursenurse]

Keep it up. You are doing a marvelous job at maintaining yourself, and I know how difficult that can be. Whether or not he is closing the door, the important thing is, you are closing the door behind you, and going through the crack in the door ahead of you. You will be just fine, I know it!

 

[Bilby]

I intend to maintain my silence as it is almost 2 weeks since I had a drink and I don't want to get into that cycle again

I know it must be very hard, but keep up with what you're doing to look after yourself.

 

[Try]

Well sure enough on Friday just as I finished work I received an email just saying 'I never made you happy!!' I can glean from this he was drinking and at that point I almost messaged back, but I didn't. Considering he told me to leave him alone four days ago and he's messaged me since I can only assume he's having an episode and drinking.

Yesterday I heard nothing and now we're at Sunday morning so I guess he's sobering up ready for work tomorrow. I am still worried about him and miss him terribly but if Fridays message was a drunken attempt at dialogue it's not good enough. Yesterday I managed to do some gardening with my son have lunch with friends and go to an evening BBQ, all on three glasses of wine (the third of which I abandoned mid way through!). Had I have been with him for the day I would've have most three bottles. It felt good knowing I could take it or leave it and didn't have to worry about pointed messages from him.

Next weekend is a long holiday weekend and I have plans to see friends. I intend to continue ignoring him should he message me and concentrate on me for once and not worry what he's doing or how he is. I just hope he's not drinking too much.

 

[nursenurse]

You can worry, as any of us would, but as you know, only he can climb out of the hole he is now choosing for himself. Congrats for hanging tough, not many here in recent new threads have been serious about themselves and the advice offered. I am happy to see that you are treating yourself as a worthwhile human being who deserves to be treated well.

 

[Try]

Thank you, it has taken me almost three years to realise that this is not acceptable behaviours. He needs to help himself now I can do no more

 

[Bilby]

Nursenurse says it all. Well done on looking after yourself and your son.

 

[madmax]

Run in the opposite direction at all times.

The booze as a solution to his problems and hiding behind PTSD is not a sign of stability from a man of character.

I would turn his ass in to his CO.

The guy is a loose cannon....and you say he's going an elite fighting force.....how in the hell is going to have the other mans "back " ?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm with max. It's disturbing that someone like him can go into elite forces. I'm not for retaliation, but elite forces should be just that, ELITE, which he is not. If you report him, don't do it out of retaliation but more if elite forces shouldn't act like that. After all, we're talking about the defense of our country. Him as an elite force could cause us shame if that loose cannon goes off.

 

[Try]

He has used drink as a coping mechanism for a very long time and will not entertain real help. The ongoing pressure of his home life has really brought this to the fore and I fear it's a matter of time before he implodes under the strain.

He has been messaging me since, seemingly now he has calmed down but I don't know how long that will last.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thank you, it has taken me almost three years to realise that this is not acceptable behaviours. He needs to help himself now I can do no more

Hi.

Well done on seeing that its up to him to sort himself out and no longer accepting bad behaviour. I was with my combat PTSD sufferer for 3 years and split about two months ago. It's painful and sad and there's a sense if guilt, up to a point, and then it hits you. The realisation that all you have done and will carry on doing is give give give and receive bad behaviour and outbursts when they feel the need to let rip.

It's up to him to deal with his demons. I've had to walk away from my ex sadly during therapy as things really escalated. I don't think there is any future and I am moving on but if we are to have a future like you and your man it will be down to making a stand and giving them the chance to sort their own problem out. We can't do it for them. If your partner doesn't see the light after your making a stand then there's your answer, he probably never will sadly.

Fingers crossed for you. You're doing well. I know how hard it is.

 

[PeekieBlue]

One other thing Try,

My ex was in an 'elite' force for years hence the multiple truamas he had to deal with in his recent emdr therapy which led to a minor breakdown.

If your partner is suffering now then joining such a specialist unit will probably drive him to a breakdown given his current state of mind.

The services should pick up on his mental state but if they don't then I'm with the others and agree his superiors should be made aware for his sake and the sake of others. In such a unit someone going through mental turmoil could be extremely dangerous.

Thinking of you x