Relationship Where Is He?

[Mockingbird13]

Here we are a year and a bit later- and I have no clue where Im at. He stopped the divorce, and told the lawyer he wanted to reconcile - but he just dissapeared for awhile. When I did finally see him a few months later and mentined reconciliation, you would have thought I said castration. Nonetheless as of today he still has nveer come home and we are still separated. I lost the house because he stopped paying on it, and I had to move. I survive each day, but truly find no happiness anymore. I feel like Im just biding my time till our youngest one graduates.
He comes over from time to time - and seeng him just seems to send me back to square 1. He cant give answers - I have no idea what I am to him, if Im anything. Yes Im lost.

 

[ronnalee]

Wishing you peace today. You have the strength to carve peace out for you.

I had a wonderful time of meditation this morning and I felt some more pain and then let it go all while riding on an exercise recumbent-(s.p.) bike.

My mind is getting clearer since I've had virtually no contact with my sufferer. He is too prideful and arrogant on the surface to contact me. I know he is struggling with what's going on inside his head.

This, however, is no excuse for behaving badly.

 

[May1321]

Mockingbird13. I just read your May 3 post... Reading back through the posts I forgot that we were a year from the last time you post which is crazy as it felt as though reading it all I was back there in that moment only this year!

My boyfriend officially "broke up" with me this April - for the last time. It is hard. I gave him 3 weeks to change his mind but it was pretty done when we discussed it the first time though it was hard to seperate us. I finally knew I had to do something or I would just keep spinning the wheel and I accepted a date with a friend from HS. I informed him that I was going on it knowing full well that once I started dating again, I had to keep on. It wasn't my friend from HS but I joined Match.com and it was a guy I met through there that has essentially "swept me" off my feet though the deep feelings aren't there and I still have them for my ex-soldier.

I struggle with missing what I consider the constant emotional rollercoaster he had me on. He didn't make moving on very easy, either. I maybe have 1% of our relationship that I miss and that is the evenings together... the talking even though part of that talking was always 'his' sided. Already in a month of talking to this new guy, I've talked about myself more and done more of the things that I've always wanted to do.

I waited a year + for my ex-soldier to change his ways and despite how much I love him, the hardest truth to admit is that he won't change unless he changes for himself. His patterns are the same. Yes, I know he loves me and maybe that is what is hard, we truly do love eachother, but he realized he would never be able to be for me what I would like him to be. The hardest part is letting go sometimes. I'm struggling with that. I miss him terribly, but this desire and hope to have in someone what was missing drives me on. And maybe it is a good thing that I'm not head over heels for the new guy just yet, that we like eachother a lot and are having a lot of fun together and he is open and honest about everything. He has no secrets. I have no secrets. It's just free.

I guess in the end that is all I want anymore... to be free. Free from the ties that bound me. I would have given anything to my PTSD sufferer but he couldn't meet me halfway and I can only pray that the next relationship he finds that he will be able to meet her halfway finally for his sake. He does deserve the love. But so do I.

Wishing you hearts of healed hearts and a future that deminishes the unjust things you've had to endure just because you loved someone as much as you have. (((Mockingbird13)))