Where to go from here

[Ms Priss]

In a reply to my introduction yesterday, someone said they almost had her convinced she could not change. Well, I have been walking around in the friggin' prison in my head for the last year saying to myself...they have finally convinced me and have been living as such. I thought it was all over and I may as well lay down. It is a lie. Just like all the other brainwashing I had over my lifetime and so heartily bought into. It is all about reprogramming the brain.
One of my biggest obstacles is looking for the change outside of myself. I have recently called it "THE CHASE", and what a chase it has been. Always looking to the wrong people too. The ones who would reinforce all those beliefs...WTF? Well, I have pretty much given up the chase, but have been at a loss as to what to do...and my mind was driving me nuts. When I read that reply, it eased that utter aloneness that I am the only one. I feel a little lighter this morning. Other than the lady I talk to at the shelter, I am pretty much alone and isolated. I do not have children which in my case I believe turned out to be a good thing. I have two sisters who are very toxic. I am getting stronger about setting firm boundaries.
Anyway, what I want to say is thank you. At least I do not feel like I need to do myself in this morning...such a welcome relief!!!!
Any input or comments are so welcome. Talk to me please.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm the one who responded they almost had me convinced. So glad to hear you feel a bit lighter in your rising today!!!

I used to be a social butterfly and was often referred to as the life of the party. But I also used to drink a lot of alcohol and use other substances to alter my mind...and I used to never EVER share the realness that is me, rather I'd keep it all suppressed hoping no one would ever find out and would only display the me I thought they all wanted me to be...so I guess perhaps I had to take or drink something to get ready to play the part of being so social. Liquid courage, as I used to call it, never factoring in the long-term damage I was doing.

Once I totally flipped the script on my life...meaning...no longer falling for the stories I'd been told, no longer practicing the beLIEfs I'd been made to engage in from birth, no longer eating and drinking what I'd been told was necessary/safe to ingest, no longer using artificially scented/flavored/colored/sweetened stuff internally or externally, etc., etc., I realized just how alone I truly am, even while being married to a super supportive husband. Everyone thought I was damaged before, now they think I'm damaged AND crazy for no longer following what we've been taught as being our "normal" diet, pursuit of health care, treatment methods, etc.

Sure, there are folks I can talk to once in a while, and there's places online I can seek out for some virtual reality and support, but not many within close proximity even wish to have the conversations I need to engage in to maintain my newfound levels of wellness. However, I eventually and very luckily crossed paths with a couple local healers (acupuncturist, master herbalist, iridologist, chiropractor, etc.) in my adventures through community offered workshops/seminars/drum circles and such who are very much open to the bartering scene.

Our local community created a time bank where we exchange time instead of money. It's not as active as it used to be, unfortunately, but I still maintain a working relationship with the practitioners who've helped me. I do child care, help finish projects, help with basic house care, pet sitting, do some food prep/cooking/preserving, offer home grown food, give rides, make and teach about hula hoops, etc., etc. in exchange for their services. Otherwise, I'd likely no longer be around, or if so, I'd be totally bed ridden and still weighing in at over 300 lbs, as that's the direction I was headed in. I was sort of forced into solitary and isolating moments, it seems. That's the time I took to re-learn my whole self from the inside out, and re-mother myself, and learn how to truly nurture my being as my body can most healthily process and recognize. Not very comfortable...not at all easy.

I always thought once I started feeling better, functioning better, and found what helped me that others would be eager to celebrate with me, and for me, and I figured they'd certainly be quick to want to try the things I did, too, to see how much it helped them. Beep. Wrong answer. Rather, I find even less folks who wish to talk anything other than generic small talk. I don't know it folks get uncomfortable with their mirror image they see in me, if they simply aren't interested in the amount of work it takes to maintain this level of wellness, if they just don't like me, if my delivery sucks and therefore I make people uncomfortable, or what...but I sure seem to be able to clear a room in real life or kill a thread online. lol However, to be fair, I very clearly recall the days before I actively tried, and stuck with, all the drastic stuff I did, and I would often look to those who'd found their best healing grooves as being annoying as f*ck and I wish they'd take their healthy-ness and move the hell on.

The things that spark fascination within and lighten my heart are the things I try to focus on more often than not. Yeah, I realize there's a whole lot of ills and wrongdoings going down, but if I let my mind park there, I'll suffer. I have to choose my thoughts wisely. I'm fascinated with this being known as me, what I've survived, how much of me works with absolutely no prompts, how intricate of a system I am and how they all need to work in concert to help me feel fully functional and well, how I can take the wheel and have total control over both the input and the output, and how I really can rewire my brain to be kinder to myself, which helps me to then pay it forward to others. Endlessly fascinated, I am, now. Whereas before, I was endlessly disgusted. It finally feels like I've had the childlike wonder restored that was stolen from me, if that makes sense.

 

[Ms Priss]

Thank-you. I live in a very rural are and there are not many support systems other than church where I clearly do not fit and in a sense they kind of blackball me. I let it devastate me for a long time, but no more. Have a rather limited income too. I tried acupuncture, but was allergic to the scents they used,and insurance did not cover it. In this neck of the woods people are really conservative so they thought I was weird to even try it. It was extremely relaxing.
I get overwhelmed at how much of life I have missed being in this alternate reality...guess that is what you would call it. I prefer to not continue going over and over that in my mind because I cannot change any of itmostly I find that hard to acknowlege. I need to accept some of my heart felt needs will not be met...at least not externally. Have heard over and over freedom is an inside job...so my goals are pretty simple...to be comfortable in my own skin and have some peace of mind. Simple but not so easy.
I have grown a lot in the past few years...