Which Bit Does The Emotion Belong To?

[Sandstone]

Therapy has started to look at the actual issues, and predictably I'm going haywire. Can't deal with washing and dressing, cancelled a session - which I've NEVER done, sleep disrupted, digestion wonky, want to run away, flashes of suicidal desire, gone silent at home - all the usual stuff, combined with a sense of personal failure and uselessness that is crushing me.

I want to work out which aspect of it is actually causing this response. I don't think it can be "traumas" we have talked about so far, as they are the ones that are least likely to qualify and I think both would be seen by many as part of normal life (stillbirth and husband's depression / suicidal phase). I'm a bit surprised how little of his illness I could recall last week, but I had been quite dissociated for several days when I went.

I think it's more likely to be my anticipation of T's response when we get further on. I know she is going to look at me with the "Is that all?" look, and then have to point out out that I brought it on myself. And then I'll have to accept that it really is all my fault, and that I don't deserve to have wasted that last five years being ill. But obviously I can't say that ot her, as then she, being very nicey-nicey, will feel obliged to hide and deny that response.

It could also just be fear of talking about it, but I'm not usually a coward, and so far I've just answered whatever she asked.

So I feel the need to pin down the root of the reaction and tackle it- any suggestions?

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds a ton like a reaction to the possibility of judgement. We spend all of our lives minimizing and denying this crap to ourselves.

It is possible that whatever you speak about immediately with your therapist about will be minimal.... very possible. But it is also a given that underneath that (if you don't get to it right now), lies a sleeping giant. That will be the root of your illness. Your T will know and understand this.

 

[caramelmix]

I also struggle with the whole is that it? issue. but I have come to learn a few things especially regarding cptsd, and that its not how bad something actually was or was not we all react differently, so if its big deal to you then its a big deal..end of! everyone's trauma is different and everyone reacts differently. The other I have come to learn is that in childhood it can be as much about what didn't happen as to what did happen. Parents often unintentionally ( although some do intentionally) teach you by way of neglect( or abuse) to deny your own feelings. I have found when its about what didn't happen eg hugs kisses and general validation of a child feelings, it can be extremely hard for the adult child to pin down what is causing their distress. I am not saying this is true for you, I don't know your story. I just know that for me as a child I was very much taught to not distress others with my problems which were not real! This is making therapy very tricky for me. And sometimes there is a multiple of root causes that get jumbled up together and makes things very complicated adding layer after layer. I have come to believe that most root causes are in fact in childhood but this can hard to accept for some although I would guess less so for people suffering c-ptsd.

Sorry this is probably not very helpful, but my sister ( who has bipolar and bpd and has lots of experience of therapy) says to me baby steps ! Also she is a perfect example of how traumas effect everyone differently, as we grew up together in the same environment and she developed bi polar and bpd and I developed c-ptsd, we did have very different school experiences and experiences in our teens but the underlying root causes for both of us are the same, childhood emotional neglect with some physical abuse.

Have you thought about keeping a journal I found this very helpful for pinning down causes.

 

[Sandstone]

@caramelmix your first paragraph does sound very familiar, and reflects what T say is my condition (complex trauma). I just find myself thinking - so it's not real proper PTSD, clearly I don't deserve this therapy, it's all my fault.

reaction to the possibility of judgement.

yes, to the likelihood of having my judgement confirmed

Parents often .. teach you by way of neglect( or abuse) to deny your own feelings. I have found when its about what didn't happen eg hugs kisses and general validation of a child feelings, it can be extremely hard for the adult child to pin down what is causing their distress.

I'm very aware this is true for me. But is it unusual?

I don't keep a journal - I've had a few brief phases of it, but currently I can't bear to look at myself. I haven't even managed to do this weeks writen homework, but that is because there seems to be nothing to say - it happened , it ended is the sum of it

 

[caramelmix]

To me if its usual or not is totally the wrong question, it matters little if its common place or not the effects remain real.