Relationship Which Form Of Communication Is "better" For A Sufferer??

[firefighterwife]

Ok. My husband hasn't been "officially" diagnosed yet. It has been suggested for him to have PTSD. The night he left (almost 6 weeks ago) he told me it had nothing to do with the tragic wreck he assisted with 3 weeks prior, but for the fact that he isn't happy, hasn't been happy in 5 years (we've been married for 7. Bought a house 4 years ago, a brand new "family friendly" car last year, trying to have a baby for 5, 4 rounds of IUI {artificial insemination} and 1 failed IVF this January/February....) He kept telling me he was tired of a dirty house and car. He couldn't take it anymore. (I think he was triggered that night because we had dinner at my friends house who's son just graduated from Pre-K and there were a lot of kids and people in a small trailer house...The Pre-K kiddo began to act out and scream and yell, playing of course. My husband got super antsy and wanted to leave...Then we went home and were watching tv when a fire page toned out. He got really shaky and started clenching his fists. I went with him, as usual. He was driving like a freaking maniac on the way out there and scared the crap out of me. Then when we got home around 11 that night) he was sitting with me in bed and had already kissed me several times and told me he loved me very much. He then got really anxious again and said he needed to go outside and wind-down. After an hour, I found him sitting on the side of the house. I asked him to come in and that I've had enough of him isolating himself for 1-3 hours every night for the past 3 weeks. I accused him of having an affair. He wouldn't talk (as usual) and I began to get upset. I started questioning him and that's when he said he wasn't happy...)

Anyways, he was meeting with the pastor of his parents church about our "marital issues" and the pastor suggested to me that I should do some kind gesture once a week, as he still comes home for lunch during the day. I have stocked the fridge with tons of Dr Pepper, bought him stuff for lunch, gave him the $ to fix the ac in his truck, sent him flowers on our anniversary, bought him his favorite CD (so he could have his own) and a card with encouragement stuff in it. No mushy-gushy I love you, Come home, yada yada... And Friday, when he left to go on his families yearly trip, that I usually go on, I made his favorite cookies for him. I have NEVER once got a thank you or let alone an "F you" out of any of it.

On the other hand my neighbor, who is in the Army and dealt with PTSD after his 2nd tour in Iraq said I need to cut off all communication. Starting with 1 week. Even when he texts me, don't answer him. Make him call/come see me. Husband ONLY texts me. And when he does, it's about coming home to get stuff (he lists what he needs) and he told me one time he only thought it was fair that since I'm chosing to live there (after he's the one who left me!!!) that I pay half of the bills. I make 1/3 of what he makes. He knows how much I make. There is no freaking way I can pay half of the bills. Anyways! I didn't mean to get all chatty!!

My question is, which is more effective? I don't want him to think that I don't give a crap about him, because he is my world, but I don't wanna push him further away. This is so confusing. He says he can't talk to me right now. He still doesn't know what he wants. He has NEVER left, NEVER threatened to, NEVER been so mean to me. And to be gone almost 6 weeks??!! My heart is broken, but my neighbor said "Just remind yourself when he sends you a text that upsets you, to think 'Is this the husband I know?'" and most likely it's not. He even told me my husband has seen more death as a firefighter than he has in the military! :(( I just want to hug my husband!!! (Oh! And have a good roll in the sheets, too! =) I miss the man so much!)

 

[Noa]

I'm far from being an expert and have never talked to a fire fighter. But, based on what you wrote, it seems like you don't except him the way he is. You said to him that you'd had enough of him isolating himself for 1-3 hours every night. That's the last thing you want to say to someone who has ptsd. Baking him cookies is not going to help. If you lost your leg and someone told you that you have to start jogging, wouldn't you want to leave them, to avoid this kind of pressure? Did you tell your neighbour the whole story?

Ptsd is a mixture of stress, shock, mourning… Small things, like a baby crying can be very annoying. People with ptsd many times need quiet time. He needs help and you need to understand. You also need to ask your self if you can handle living with someone like this, before you try to get him back.

 

[NarcSis]

Think of it this way, he's shell-shocked, he doesn't understand what the hell is going on with him, he feels weak and unmanly; he thinks he can run from it and most importantly, he can't deal with ANY extra stress right now no matter how small.

The only logical thing he can do now is find blame - he's unhappy because...X, Y, Z.....you are a convenient target, as my husband was for me in the beginning.
He will deny anything is wrong with him because it feels like defeat to admit that you 'let' something get to you. He's a firefighter, he's supposed to be infallible, at least that's what he believes.

He will blame you, he will emotionally attack you because right now he is shattered and it's the only thing he can use to try to restore a sense of control.
You need to take care of you because if he comes back you'll need to find more patience in your heart than Jesus himself.

The initial stages, especially where there is extreme denial, are pure hell. Going through treatment is pure hell. All I can say is, if the marriage survives, it will get better over time.
No demands on him. Give him his space. Pray he gets help because it's hard to watch someone 'drowning'.

 

[VenusSky]

My husband ran away once for 6 weeks too. I cried so much and was in so much pain. There's alot more to it but he don't admit it still and to this day I don't know where he was or who he stayed with. We have good times but mostly stessful times. I don't have much advice just noticing that there are a lot of men on here who leave their spouses or girlfriends without warning. When he left it was sudden nothing was wrong and we were trying to get pregnant. He did come back after 3 days to pick up stuff but ran away jumping out the window and from what he says was hiding in the land adjacent to our neighborhood and was pretty cut up from hiding in the brush cause he thought I was trying to kill him! I guess if being questioned on his whereabouts feels like being killed I must of been trying hard. Not to mention he tried to choke me banged up my arm in the process I still have a scar from that night 2 years ago but supposedly I was the one who did this. Then he came back begging to be taken back. I was a fool to take him back. We now have a baby and he seems to be worst with his PTSD as he projects it on the baby says things that scare me. I hope you can get thru this time and see that it's difficult to change them and know you can do better.

 

[FaithJL]

Medic72: What you said is so true about how the sufferer will blame and emotionally attack those who are close to them when they are under stress or pressure. I don't think they are truly aware of what they are doing at the time, but it's their way of shutting out any more pain or feelings of guilt.

Firefighterwife: this is the time for you to think whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave. PTSD sufferers need a lot of patience, constancy, understanding, and unconditional love. Even though they may shut us out, deep within, they are afraid to lose the people they love. But if they know that we are not going to understand or unwilling to understand, then they numb themselves. It's called emotionally numbing and it's a form of coping mechanism for sufferers.

If you decide to stay, be prepared for extreme ups and downs in the relationship. Things will never be the same as before, but it could still be better than what it is now. Have patience, understanding, accept him for what he is now, and be a consistent support for him. Sufferers usually want to know that they could trust and rely on those they love. And, make sure you take care of yourself.