Who Am I Kidding?

[Deleted member 19804]

@GWhizz I'm so glad that you have found someone who takes such good care of you in that area. I think that's a very important quality in a sexual partner, especially when you've been through sexual abuse.
I'm also glad that you know he'll be supportive. That shows not only that he's probably a good guy, but also that you are capable of trusting someone with such an intimate and difficult part of yourself. Really, as someone with PTSD, you should be proud of that :)

You don't have to force yourself to tell him. You also don't have to tell it all in one go. Perhaps you can write the story down? And/or you could give him a general version of what happened to you and what you're struggling with, keeping the details for some other time.

I think that's going to be my tactic.

 

[GWhizz]

@Snowwhite we're together over 6 years now and have a baby. So I now feel the longer I'm leaving it, the harder it is. He is quite intuitive and sensitive though and has asked me several times to talk about it. I've broken down during sex (had flashbacks etc) and I think he'd have to be stupid not to sense what's up. But at the same time, I am thankful he is so patient. He has just told me he knows I had a terrible childhood and admires me for being the person I am, that he wants me to talk when I'm ready. I can't believe he is so patient (maybe because he's a social worker lol but he has a kind caring nature anyway).

I'm glad your partner is attuned to your feelings too. You definitely need that to be comfortable and able to enjoy sex imo.

He has come to therapy with me once before when my T wanted to ensure I had his support before we went any further (I'm only in therapy a few months), so I was thinking maybe he could come sometime when she knows more and she could help me break some of it to him or even speak on my behalf. I'm just so scared as I never talked about it. I attended her for postnatal depression and she asked at one point and I just couldn't even answer, couldn't deny it so she knew. Honestly I think I would have kept my silence forever if it weren't for seeing her.

Sorry for hijacking this thread. I guess my point is (as you can see from this post), that relationships are work in progress no matter what. But that there are great guys etc out there who can be compatible with you as an individual, irrespective of your history

 

[Notsowild]

I had a hard time hiding my abuse from my ex husband. But then I met him shortly after I left my abusive home at 17. Our first time was awful. I was still so traumatized from it.

I have never remarried so I have never had a steady sexual relationship just the occasional boyfriend. But even after all these years I'm still triggered my certain touches. I think it's something you never get over after a long childhood of sexual abuse. It's just ingrained in you. It's tough.

 

[Fadeaway]

I understand. I met my first husband when I was 16 and mistakenly saw him as my savior from the hell that was living at my mothers home. He used every abuse I had been through to his full advantage.

I have never met a man whose attitudes and opinions of sex are like my current husbands. Society would tell you that guys like that don't exist. When we got together, he literally had zero expectations that sex would be apart of our relationship. It is weird. I think all the effort I have had to put in trying to help him get over his hang ups regarding sex and the fear of ever dare expressing any need has me me feel completely and utterly safe with him. Things I couldn't tolerate before don't bother me with him.

It is tough, but with the right guy they can be overcome. I know I kind of make it sound like a fairytale, and in away for someone who has experienced sexual abuse to find a guy like that, it is.I am still trying to understand it myself, because I didn't believe it was possible, (not to think about "those" things during sex if you know what I mean)