General Who Did It Happen To?

[Mahtalat]

I don't know, when I research PTSD, and Traumatic events you know there are several things it commonly talks about.

1.) Victim...Male/Female rapes

(But not Female/Female, and very rarely Male/Male)

2.) It usually talks about the victim, but generally not so much the family and friends (who are family) or just the people around them who suffer traumatically for feeling powerless.

And if there is I've always been searching the wrong words.

I am very empathetic. That is if you tell me a story I will slurp it up, and get nauseous and sick, and sad, and angry, almost as if what has happened to you has happened to me.

It's really hard to be told, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. But it doesn't stop the pain and the anger, and the tears, in my heart, and the wailing that I feel. Does it have to happen to me? Why do I break down? Because it's not about one person, or two. I break down because this is reality, this is what happens, and most cases, most people are trapped.

*takes a deep breath* there are no support groups, no websites, nothing that I have found that gives support to the witnesses, to the people who know the story, to the people who feel powerless for simply being unable to help a person they can't reach, or an event they can't change.

I always say, where was I? What was I doing. What the hell was I doing while this was happening? Playing...crying...getting abused in some way...laughing? Where was I?

I mean, I'm not just empathizing with people this happened to me too. I think I can empathize with people because it happened to me too.
But... I used to live with the idea that I would go through it a million times to take it all the way. And yet I know that if things didn't happen to me I wouldn't know what I know today.

I guess my point is. A lot of people say its all about the victim, that this happened to her or him or 'it', but what about the friends or the family who are close to that victim, who suffer and feel at fault? Even if they weren't there. What about the people who can't read a single newspaper or watch the news, or step outside, or listen to a story without breaking down to every other persons story? (like myself).

For me the first step I made was saying...I am not responsible for the persons who did it, and trying to accept that I can't change this.

But my anger, and my hurt, and the pain...it's not about me, and its not about them, it's about all of us. And I guess I think too much as a unit.

And then the victimizer...I learned that a lot of my victimizers were once the victim, I was even on my road to following their path. It's just an endless cycle, and I mean...

When you feel so out of control, and so scared, and so powerless, when you're sitting with your loved one, listening to them tell you their story, and you feel angry, and broken, because you weren't there to stop it. (maybe not you, but at least I do). The mothers who grow enraged about what happened to their children, or the fathers, who go in and shoot the victimizer because he is SO enraged, he is so upset, and hurting so badly thinking 'Where was I?' 'Why didn't I do something to stop it', and...

I'm crying now :-/. I don't know why I'm crying. You know I have a problem because I listen to everyone's story, even online I used to think of myself as a witness for things that were posted up there, and I'd get sick, and cry, and wish I'd die (that rhymes). Thinking I could save one kid but I can't save her, or her, or him, or him. I can't save the world.

I'm on the path to recovery, coming to terms with the fact that I am powerless, and I am out of control, that I can not change what happened to me or to others. I am learning that I may not be able to reach that kid, or the woman whose been enslaved/imprisoned. That if I kill him/her it doesn't change what happened, it only makes more people angry.

But if I take in one battered little kid or even an adult, and I rehabilitate them, and show them there is hope, there is light beyond the darkness. Then they can spread that. And I think...I want that.

Meanwhile. Who did it happen to? In my head I see it as this connected unit of people after people, after people, and I am part of that. And I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way.

I guess I'm just trying to learn...how do I make the pain stop? How do I stop crying everytime I hear a story, even if it's told to me a million times, the tears fall fresh unless I harden myself against it.

How do we all heal from this? Where are the support groups for the Victim by Proxy?

 

[Mahtalat]

I wrote a story once about a world without pain, no one felt pain. Their History books told them all about this great pain, war, and death, and the sort that had happened. But no one understood it because no one could relate, they had never seen such pain so they didn't understand the greatness of this act when someone sacrificed their life to take 'all the pain' from the world. These people were indifferent, they did art, they did whatever to pass the time. When one day this kid comes across this cave, and they go in and what they see inside someone who has volunteered to take all the pain in the world. And this person is in great pain, they are suffering, and...this person is so moved, that they run out and they gather people and they show them, and everyone see's this, and each of them begin to take a piece of the pain, because if they each take a piece they can save this person who has saved them from it all. And in that story that was how we got pain.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's a beautiful story Mahtalat.
Thank you.

I believe that any incident can cause PTSD for yourself, whether it be as a "victim" or "witness". Every individual is different as is every trauma.

I can only say from some reading, that they speak of the family/ friends/ loved ones of someone with PTSD frequently as suffering the identical feelings of the person they love who has PTSD; anger, helplessness, frustration, emotional numbing sometimes, the sense of being overwhelmed, etc. Not only the "symptoms"/ characteristics of PTSD itself but the feelings associated in response to a trauma descibed to them.

I know that there are some good threads in the "Carer's Section", also.

I think it is very important the support you give, to listen and be compassionate. You weren't meant to "prevent" your loved one's trauma (or anyone else's), and it's normal to feel those things when you love someone and/ or are compassionate. The listening and acceptance and non-judgementalness are crucial.

It is important to take care of yourself and deal with how you feel and are affected (to talk to someone else; even a crisis-line if there is no one to talk to; self-care; good boundaries, etc).

Then you can best (and most realistically) help yourself and anyone you love.

Welcome to the forum, if I didn't say it yet, btw, and best wishes with your healing journey. You sound like a wonderful person!

 

[Mahtalat]

Thanks Junebug, that is really good to know. I was thinking that after I posted, that people who suffer PTSD have generally suffered a traumatic event either by seeing or experiencing it (whatever that trauma may be).

What I didn't know was if there were people who suffered equally just because it happened to someone they loved. I did read after posting this secondary PTSD, but still I didn't think that rightly described it, because well what I felt was equivalent to what I felt with my normal PTSD, the same as for my 'breakdowns' towards other stories.

I was always looking for some kind of support for that, since there was a plethora of information for my PTSD on its own, but when it came to 'dealing with the world', like May in The Secret Life of Bees (the book not the movie)....I would ( and in some cases still do crash ) and become extremely maliciously intended...my essence/aura becomes blackened, and I become very angry, and my whole thought process changes.

But reading your post, helped me because it let me know that it's not unusual to have identical feelings towards the people I love even for the things that didn't happen to me.

You weren't meant to "prevent" your loved one's trauma (or anyone else's

That line rings for me also. I try and keep that in my mind. I still carry this chip of responsibility on my shoulders, but I've come a long way in taking the steps to let some of it go.

Sometimes I feel stupid for taking all these things to heart, like this open book that absorbs everything...(I can't stand it somedays)! I'm not sure how having that kind of heart (the kind of heart that 'absorbs' everything taking all the pain in) helps anyone :(.