Who Is That?

[Marie76]

St.Patrick's day 2017, celebrating 10 years of marriage to a wonderful man. Has it REALLY been 10 years? I look at the photos of this special day, I looked happy enough. I'm frustrated that I literally can't recall how I felt, what was it like that day? If I truly was happy then, why aren't I now? When did my feelings change? ..... Nothing, I feel numb. Not even sure who that woman was? Have I been pretending all this time??

I start analyzing my happiest moments which I can recall. The time I spent with my best friend, my daughter (who also has PTSD),her dog. What is it about THESE relationships that I can recall so many happy moments? Simply put, I trust them to see the real me, I'm safe to be accepted without fear of being hurt, I never let anyone get too close, I have deep seeded issues with trust. I have walls too high to scale, so thick, they're square.

I have a need and desire to end my marriage, I have no energy, nothing to contribute to to it. It would be an immense relief and I feel as though I could focus on me, on my time, facing my past when I'm ready, dealing with those shadows that hang so darkly over my present, threatening to suffocate me into eternal blackness.

Searching for a memory that I can cling to, a defining moment of when I stopped feeling, only to realize, I never started.

 

[Sweet_E]

St.Patrick's day 2017, celebrating 10 years of marriage to a wonderful man. Has it REALLY been 10 years...

You seem to have a gift for writing, by the way.

Romantic relationships are some of the most challenging and vulnerable type of relationship to navigate. For one, they require work and working through PTSD already saps a lot of energy. Secondly, our perceptions of these relationships and of our partners are greatly colored by our trauma, especially if it was sexual trauma.

It is great that you are evaluating your needs, energy level, and how the relationship is working for you. I'm assuming, based on what you wrote, that there is nothing inherently unhealthy about the relationship and there is no abuse going on. Some other things to consider might be:

• Is your marriage prompting you to face a part of your trauma that you don't feel ready to deal with?
• If so, could your relationship issues be used as a tool for healing? (Sometimes the things that cause discomfort are the best teachers.)
• How are you overextending yourself? Is it possible to reign the energy zapping behavior in? Who is expecting you to do these things? Your husband? You? Both?
• Could being on a healing path be your primary contribution to the relationship?
• Have you communicated your need for more space? Is it possible to get this and other needs within the relationship? (You two make the rules for the relationship so it works for each of you.)
• Are there boundaries you can set that also will give you a sense of relief? (I've felt so much better ever since I asserted that all physical contact must be initiated by me, even an innocent high 5 is out of bounds unless I initiate it. This is because my step dad/abuser started off with very innocent seeming behaviors.)
• Do you want out because you are running from something you fear? Are you trying to avoid something? Or are you trying to make room for something you need for healing? If the later, can that be accomplished within the context of the relationship?

I'm not at all trying to influence you to stay. Only you know what is right.

For me, my husband is the main source of my triggers. Even though he is safe in reality, my subconscious links him to my abuser. Being with him has forced me to learn how to manage triggers and flashbacks, which has greatly improved my quality of life. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up and we haven't had sex since when we first started dating. He naively thought maybe I'd feel more comfortable once we were married. However, somehow, although our challenges are so hard for him, he still wants to be with me and says he would not change his decision to marry me. Our challenges are also making him a better person. And our challenges are prompting me to face a lot of shadow stuff that I would not have the incentive to work through if I were single. Just something to think about if your marriage is otherwise safe and healthy for you.

I love hearing your insights. Who knows where I will be in my marriage in 10 years. For now, I have faith we are working towards something special.

 

[Marie76]

You seem to have a gift for writing, by the way.

Romantic relationships are some of the most challeng...

Thank you Sweet_E! Your questions are also mine. I feel as though I cannot answer the questions about my marriage until I focus on me, facing my traumas, growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home, I was raped when I was 14, my first husband was a police officer, authority figure whom I thought I could trust, he physically and emotionally abused me and my daughter, she gave me the strength to leave him.

I have danced this dance so many times in my head. It's almost at if there's too much space in my current marriage, but I prefer it that way. The space has allowed me to stay in my head, in my comfort zone, analyzing, being recluse to the world. I've only recently realized this zombie land I've been in. Quickly headed back to therapy but I'm simply not interested in working on my marriage. I'm afraid one day I'll be in a better place and look back with regrets if I leave. Even more afraid that I'll take the easy road and keep on pretending to be okay and stay in it. I'm willing to take that chance of regrets. For some reason I resent my current husband, not sure why? He's caring, patient, loves me for me. Maybe because I feel like he doesn't even know the real 'me' and he can't even see that he's in love with this person I've been pretending to be? I'm starting to develop friendships which is huge for me. I do have that support which feels safe for me. I appreciate your thoughts Sweet_E

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you Sweet_E! Your questions are also mine. I feel as though I cannot answer the questions about m...

I am so sorry you went through that growing up and then with your other marriage. :(

I can totally relate to the zombie state. In fact that is exactly how I often describe how I experienced most of my childhood. It was a form of disassociation that helped me cope with what happened to me.

I'm really grateful for one therapist's advice that it is perfectly okay to disassociate sometimes. I try to be aware of it and gently bring myself to the present if want to. It's okay to go in and out of that state. I can decide when it's not serving me. Mindfulness has been so positive, even though it can be scary - especially during a flashback. Dissociation is a clue that something is bothering me and just being aware of it can bring helpful information.

As for your marriage versus your healing- your intuition and inner-wisdom knows what is right. It's great you are giving yourself permission to put your healing first. That's probably how it should be. I wonder if any healing you do will also be an indirect investment in the future state of your marriage. I'm rooting for you that you find a way of going about your own healing and self-care that makes you feel at peace with whatever role, if any, your marriage plays in your life. Much love, peace, healing and wisdom to you.