Poll Who Traumatized You

[upstream]

Curious to know about the person who traumatized you. If you have more than one offender, choose the one who instigated your most sever trauma. If the person falls into more than 1 category, choose the one that best describes why the traumatic event happened.

If you are willing to share, I'd like to hear if this person has since changed or made amends, or if you believe this person is capable of such.

 

[upstream]

Here are the most destructive people in my life:

My mother was diagnosed as bipolar with evidence of psychotic episodes. She has also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has since improved drastically, and she seems quite normal these days.

My father would fall under the category of does not understand (bad case of secondary wounding and neglect) I'm not sure he ever will understand, I think he's in denial.

My therapist says my last boss most likely has Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and I what I have read about the disorder is an apt description. Superficially charming, manipulative, deceitful, no empathy/sympathy/remorse, self centered and enjoys hurting/bullying others. He will never change, I am certain of this.

Many of my destructive relationships in college were with people who had strong evidence of a personality disorder. I believe they can learn how to behave correctly on the surface, but will never be better on the inside.

Many of my relatives on my mothers side did not understand because all of their information about my family came from my mother. They haven't changed who they are, but they have changed how they perceive us and treat us.

 

[Claire]

I'm a bit uncomfortable with this. I dont think I fit into any of the categories. I was in a car crash. It was an accident. The guy that hit me didn't intend to. No one was to blame exactly. Is this what is meant by this poll?

 

[Lisa]

I found it hard to answer as there are several people who traumatised me. They are:

Abuser number 1 - did not know him, barely remember him (i was 7) so I cannot say if he was generally deranged or clinically deranged or otherwise. Don't know if he has changed, however I doubt it.

Abuser number 2 - this is the one I clicked to -did not believe his actions were wrong. He most probably hasn't changed, and don't expect he will. He is a child abuser who justifies his actions as guilt-free and 'right', and about 'love'... And so he does not believe his actions to be a crime.

Abuser number 3 - did not believe his actions were wrong (assault). Perhaps he could change... or generally fall into the title of 'tosser' rather than 'abuser'

Abuser number 4 - random person assaulted me, seemed sober, not drugged, but generally deranged or 'odd'. I think this man is reigning free, very dangerous, and probably going to only get worse in his actions.

Ex therapist - total wanker. Thought his actions were right. DEFINITELY deranged. He won't change, certainly hasn't so far.

Father - Schizophrenic, personality disorder, alcoholic, OCD sufferer - didn't help much, but he would have been a wanker without all this too. Didn't see his actions as wrong (still doesn't). He has improved in *some* aspects, mainly needs to be put in his place, then he will conform (ie. my mother stands her ground more now, and as a result his behaviour is a little changed). I don't believe he will ever understand his actions to be wrong -total denial, and well... he has a personality disorder, and this is understood in the psychiatric field to be 'untreatable'.

School bullies - generally not right in the head. I think these may grow up, though I have since seen one who doesn't seem to have. Again... more into the category probably of 'unintelligents' as opposed to 'ill'. But perhaps I am biased.

I think this is a hard poll to post as some people are not traumatised by people specifically, like claire has said... for example, crashes, hospital experiences, operations, illness, death... for these traumas, people may not necessarily have been the cause of trauma - rather the impact of the trauma that may not actually involve people directly... So perhaps another option needs to be in place for those??

Good poll though.

 

[batgirl]

Upstream, you can actually choose to let people vote for more than one option in a poll. That might have been better in this case, especially for people with multiple traumas. Also, I guess you are excluding military, police, rescue workers and those were not traumatized by a person(s)? Why is that? Are you interested in the nature of people who abuse others? I think the poll is good too except I don't understand the purpose of it exactly either.

I wasn't sure how to vote. I was shot by my stepdad, that is my major trauma. He was a soldier and my family believes he has PTSD though he was never diagnosed. I feel like the top 5 options all fit him in some respects, but not any of them totally. He was sick, but he had been well for most of my life. So he was normal prior to the events. He was depressed and suicidal when he shot me. Did he know what he was doing? I don't know, he committed suicide at the scene. Was he drinking? Yes, quite heavily for about a year before the trauma. Was he mentally ill? Yes if he had PTSD, but I don't feel comfortable exactly placing him in the same category as say, a schizophrenic. My cousin has schizophrenia and it's a completely different illness. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking about it too much but I'm confused as to how to answer.

 

[upstream]

Sorry for the confusion, I guess I should also exclude natural disasters, accidents, and anything that could be considered the nature of your job. Claire, you don't have to vote, but if you want to you could select 'other' and then clarify.

What I'm searching for is people who behave badly and why they behave badly.

Batgirl, that is an excellent point about the polling options. The reason I want you to choose only one option is because I want your opinion on what was the major factor in their destructive behavior. In your case I imagine you would select severe mental illness, as my impression from your stories is that your stepdad wouldn't have done this had he not developed PTSD from service in the military.

What brought this up is in part due to my interest (obsession?) in human behavior... most notably my interest trauma, abuse, and mental illness. I recently volunteered for a Domestic Offender Re-education program. The program teaches domestic offenders how to relate to their children in healthy ways, in hopes that they can gradually (with initial supervision) resume their parental roles. One of the coordinators expressed the opinion that the reason these people behave that way is because it is how their parents behaved, it is simply all they know. The program then serves to teach them a new way of being for the benefit of their child.

I interpreted this opinion as "Parents abuse their children because they are ignorant and do not know any better." I'm curious to learn about destructive people and why they are destructive, especially about people who know their behavior is harmful.

 

[cherryblossom]

The man that raped me was a stranger, so I have no idea why he did what he did.

 

[batgirl]

The reason I want you to choose only one option is because I want your opinion on what was the major factor in their destructive behavior.

Okay thanks for the clarification and explanation Upstream. I vote for the first option in that case, as he we do think he had PTSD and was depressed and so on. Good poll!

 

[upstream]

It was an accident. The guy that hit me didn't intend to. No one was to blame exactly.

Claire, recognizing that no one was to blame shows a great deal of maturity and intelligence. Kudos.

 

[Claire]

Thanks Upstream, I voted 'other' as I stated earlier, no-one was to blame. I was in a car crash, I was waiting at a junction and a car hit me from behind.

 

[ruddy]

I voted criminal behavior but there are other elements. The man who attacked me was trying to force me into prostitution; his own financial gain was the motive. He was drunk and probably high at the time. My sister (a coconspirator) was also drunk and high at the time. A lot of the psychological damage is related to the aftermath. My father (an alcoholic) was for the most part missing in action or just plain didn't give a crap. My mother was residing in the psych ward (unable to help).

Amends? No way. They are all either evil, clueless, or incapable. Some things never change.

 

[anthony]

I have amended this poll to suit the demographics of this forum. I do not endorse the exclusion of any trauma when asking such a poll. Posts immediately identified that people felt left out, which is not the idea of this forum. So I amended the choices to suit more the overall trauma types changing other to "Nobody Was at Fault" and including "Combat / Military" as a general aspect for those it suits. These act as a placebo for any specific aspects one may be desiring to obtain from such a poll, ensuring accuracy of data without narrowing the results.

I did leave it as a single choice as upstream does ask for the primary factor, not all factors or the major one's.