Poll Who Traumatized You

[sweetface]

My father abused me. He did what his father did to him and he thought he was doing the right thing. He knew no better and has not changed. I am around him often since he is elderly now. But if a romantic partner abandons me, it's a huge trigger because that is what my father did to me.

I was raped at 19. He was deranged at the time. He seemed conceited and narccissitic and he was an acquaintance.

 

[vietnam2nd]

no one was to blame as mine was military realed to vienam. if i wanted i suppose i could blame President Johnson and congress for the gulf of tonken resoulution.

 

[judyandsus]

My father was the guilty party in my family. All four of us kids have PTSD. I believe my mother did to. My father never in all his 94 yrs admitted his guilt. It was always someone else's fault.

 

[Beth]

The main person involved did not know how ill (he/she) was, nor did (he/she)think (he/she) was doing anything wrong - this person's actions were very passive aggressive. . .which was incredibly confusing to me as a child and a teenager. I knew something was very wrong - abuse kept happening - and I HATED this person with everything I had until I began to understand the whole picture as an adult. I didn't even understand why I hated this person so much, I only know that I did.

I coined a term: 'by proxy' to catagorize this person's actions. Pedophilia by proxy, incest by proxy, rape by proxy. . . .it fit. Now I know the whole picture. This person still has not taken responsibility for (his/her) actions - I doubt seriously (he/she) ever will.

I grew up with the name 'slut' attached to me in no uncertain terms. Now I know why - sometimes insanity cannot be defined until it's too late.

The people who actually perpetrated the events - yep, they knew what they were doing was wrong. . . I don't know if I would classify them as insane as much as I would classify them as criminal. Absolutely criminal.

The last event was a tragic trauma. . . a death. . .that was hard. . .it still is, and I trigger back to that sometimes. . .but usually see it more as grief.

Beth.

 

[Bettespaghetti]

The most recent would be my ex hubby who tried to kill me. He had never laid a hand on me until that night, but he sure meant it. I had tried to get him to get help. He had severe mood swings the 6 mos or so prior and I just couldn't handle it. When he kept promising it and his behavior kept getting more and more erratic I got out, but it nearly cost my life. That was almost 6 yrs ago. Though there was only the one physically abusive instance with him, he was emotionally abusive and controlling.

Hope this helps.

Bette

 

[Mercy]

Sorry,I couldn't pick from your options. My trauma was being sexually exploited as a child from 6 mos. to 12yrs old. I was captive periodically by an organization which provided 'vacations' for people who rented children by the night, the week-end or few weeks. As a small example, we were the entertainment for men when they came in from skiing all day. Most events were catered. We children were delivered in florists vans and catering trucks. I don't think my guests are capable of lasting change.

 

[void]

Mercy, May the people that did that to you burn in Hell!! If there is no Hell someone should make one and throw them into it.

Peace to you!! :)
Void

 

[JustJane]

I couldn't vote in the poll because I don't know which of many events is the culprit. So many to choose from and so many were as bad as the were mainly because I wasn't smart enough to know what was going on, that people do bad things, that people would betray a friend and nobody told me what a tornado was or what to do if I found myself in the middle of one. I wasn't allowed to question authority - that meant everyone older than me and everyone was older than me. It wasn't so much that people did bad things to me, but that they were oblivious to how little I knew. They assumed I knew things I had no knowledge of. Want an example? Here's a good one: I asked my mom where babies come from. I was 14 or 15. I had no clue. My mom answered without a pause, "From love." She did not elaborate. I had no reason to question such a direct answer. But then I wondered. And I wondered. I recall telling classmates that i thought I was pregnant. After all, I love my mom and I love my dog and I love my bike... You see where that went. And people always assumed I knew more than I did, that I was much more active than I ever was and that I really had no clue.

 

[Salu]

It all started with this neighborboy who wanted to play home 8I was around four to six, before school, he was a preteen or a teen, can´t remember) and when you are a husband and wife you do waht adults do at night. I didn´t know what that was so he showed me. I didn´t like it, started crying and my grandmom heard that and sort of saved me I guess.
In town I had another neighborboy who wanted to do what adults do, but with him it was more like playing doctor, although I did felt very suffocated. He was around my age.

(There is some morals in this you know - do not have an intercourse in front of your children - its not good for them)

Second was mental abuse mostly feom home and school. At home there was my father who in my opinion suffers from PTSD himself (his stepfather had a drinking problem and from what I have heard he did not hold back on physical punishment). So the microclimate at home was very very tense, you never knew when he would have an outburst. He completely trashed the place twice. Talked to us when there was something negative to say and he motivated the way you lost the will to do anything at all. Which he didn´t like either. Though he is trying now and has gotten a whole lot better.

Mom has always been soft and quiet nice person, but it dose not help to hear as a child that she has specific order for people and you are not the first in it. Lets say around seven or eight years.

My brother has been sexually interested in me as long as I can remeber and we did some stuff when we were little, but at least in his case I know he would never do anything to me without permission. So I don´t know how rational it is to be uncomfortable about that.

In school I was quiet and tall and had a very dominant "friend". So basically it all adds up to about ten years of constant tension and fear. And after that ended it still left a fear of men and some serious difficulties in communication skills. Which I´m working on.

 

[stephanie]

I was a victim of a violent crime. Shot in the face by a man on the freeway. He smiled as he did it, so yeah, he was definitely to blame. He was a perfect stranger to me.

I know he'd never make amends. He smiled. Besides, he was never caught for the crime.

 

[freya]

I wasn't sure what to choose, I chose 'person seemed deranged'.

I'm talking about my father whom I thought for years must have narcissistic personality disorder. Which is a diagnosis that does not allow, if I understood correctly, for any change or improvement.
However my father did change at old age, and a few years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD. He's is MUCH more mild, friendly and understanding these days. I guess that having a severe heart attack had to do with that, maybe made him realize a few things about life and how he wants to live it... Beside that he finally did begin to talk about his trauma.

I think he 'behaved badly' because he was simply not aware that his (very angry) responses to little triggers were not 'normal'. They were normal to him.

I grew up thinking his behavior was normal too, but being unable to deal with it. I was hospitalized with a big breakdown/psychosis at the age of 24. I was diagnosed bipolar after that. It's only recently that my psychiatrist tells me she thinks PTSD is part of the story. So I may have PTSD because my father did. She says his behavior traumatized me.

Freya

 

[midi]

there's a few...

- mother - tried to drown me as a toddler and changed her mind - escalated from there to chronic verbal and physical abuse - has done nothing wrong, so will never change

- mother's friend/boarder -repeatedly raped me when i was 5 or 6 - my mother approved. he will never change

- a coke dealer my father was friends with - one minor sexual assault when i was almost 8 - a wife beater who doesn't need to change

- creepy old man, friend of my father and approved by my mother - just liked to hug and go for long hug walks - clearly dead by now, so no need for change

- my best friend in high school raped me one night when i was too ****ed up on drugs to even move a finger - i got him back by doing the same while he was on acid - change - yeah - we accepted each other for who we were and always will.

- the guy i call 'biopop' because he's my son's bio, although he doesn't see him or pay child support. this guy repeatedly raped me and when i was out cold, sodomized me until i bled. also beat the living shit out of me often, even at work in front of witnesses, and strangled me several times until he thought i was dead. the priest who counselled us said he was paul bernardo in the making, so NO, there will never be any change.

- manager at work - tried to drag me into the staff room for sex - i fought, sustained injuries, and he plead guilty in court to assault... no need to change, it was my fault for calling the cops.

- coke dealer - mental abuse that coincided with his withdrawals and paranoia. course, i was just as nasty. he did his best.

- suddenly i came to realize after the coke dealer thing went bust that my father, who always put the living fear into us mentally, was a big abuse as well.

- a soldier in my own unit tried to rape me but i fought - he later did admit that it was his own fault, and so we carried on...

- i was a pedestrian who lost against a truck - the driver himself was very traumatized and it was clearly an accident.

- my ex - the only guy i ever felt anything for - mental abuse was so bad that i was on the verge of suicide when i walked away - bipolar - change? yeah, he's capable of it - if he is back on his meds and counseling.

- 5 males attacked my place for 4 hours with the intent to gang rape - while there were holes in the steel door, they miraculously weren't able to knock it down - change? no, i don't blame them, because rape, neglect, beatings - it's all they know...

- me - booze, drugs, sex, annorexia, self-harming, neglect... PTSD - change? one day at a time...