Who's Right……?!!

[circe47]

Okay, so me and my husband have been together for almost six years. I made it clear right up front that I had been cheated on and lied to, and would not take second place to anyone save his child, mother or sister.

We have an issue that has never been resolved. In the first stages of the relationship, whenever we went out with my sister who lived in the same building, I would notice he would do trivial things like pull her chair out first, get straws for drinks and give her her's first, and I got all pissy about it. Then at Christmas, in my family, we draw names. He got my dad or somebody, but definitely wasnt my sister. However, he asked me before the holidays what I think about him finding some speakers to go with her computer. This set me off because he and I had decided to just stick with the name draw and not get each other anything for practical and financial reasons.

He says this is just etiquette and as my sister is the "guest", it is proper to attend the "guest" first. I feel that NOBODY, not even my sister or especially my sister, get's preferential treatment over me with the exception of his mother, as that is just respect for his mother and elder, and speaks to his character.

Am I unreasonable and don't understand proper male etiquette, or is he the one who doesn't understand? I DO KNOW for a fact that he is not the type to cheat. I have known him since I was eight years old and he ten. He is also home every single night and is just not that kind of guy. He is the type to open my 90 year old grandmother's car door while her own son's did not. He literally is quite a gentleman, but we argue over the whole female guest/family member being treated first over me, his wife.

How do the other ladies in the forum feel about this? Men….what's your Modus Operandi in this type of scenario?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Eh, I'd be miffed, too.

It goes beyond being a gentleman when he is thinking of getting her gifts when you/he agreed to not even get each other things for financial reasons.

No, he may not be a *physical* cheater, but this goes too far IMHO.

 

[circe47]

Eh, I'd be miffed, too.

It goes beyond being a gentleman when he is thinking of getting her gifts wh...

Thanks for the reply. I did ask him "well, you won't be doing that again, now will you?" he said "absolutely not." I said, "well, then, mission accomplished."

What I can't make him understand is his part in feeding my insecurities and triggering my betrayal issues, and ended up with me almost ending our relationship to be with the first random guy to pay attention to me. That ultimately ended up with me being 5150'd after a suicide attempt, after more buried memories of CSA surfaced that also involved this other random guy, who was also a fellow classmate of mine as a small child. It's very complicated. All four of us (sister, me, boyfriend, other guy) attended the same parochial school that employed a notorious child abuser who abused me and others, and was shuffled from parish to parish. So you see, there is a lot of sticky, messy details that are part of the total landscape of the situation.

He still stands by his "I was just trying to be thoughtful of your sister," who has been my biggest supporter and best friend my whole life and I believe him. I just wish I could make him understand my perspective and continue to fail.

 

[circe47]

I also need to add that he engages in black and white thinking having come a very, very similar background. However, unlike him, through therapy I've learned the concept of black and white thinking and understand that there are also shades of gray, and nothing is ever cut and dry. He is there is "right", and there's "wrong," which I also believe too. The difference between he and I is that I understand where my insecurities lie and what has shaped them, but for him it is I love you, you should never doubt it, and that's that---end of story, period, dot.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sure he sees your perspective just fine, but I doubt he'll ever admit to it. He is feeding your betrayal issues by betraying you in small ways. You set a boundary, he hop, skipped, and jumped over it.

 

[Friday]

I'm with your husband on this one. The way I was raised the first part is simply good manners; one attends to one's guests. A stranger in my home rates better treatment than you want for your sister.

The second part to me seems like a kindness. She's been your best friend and biggest supporter, and he wanted the two of you to do something special for her at Christmas. A kindness more directed at you, actually, since she's your best friend and money was tight, but also to show you and her that he values and appreciates the relationship the two of you have.

Quite frankly, I think the jealous rage at either instance is entirely out of bounds.

If she were your abuser, or an enemy? Then, you'd be in the right... He should absolutely snub her and make her feel unwelcome in your home, and wanting the two of you to do something special for her over Christmas would just be slapping you in the face. As she's neither? I'm completely baffled by your reactions.

 

[Fadeaway]

@FridayJones Interesting. I wonder if it is a cultural thing, because I have never seen that as good manners. I know some people think it is ok for a guest to just grab a glass out of the cupboard to get a glass of water. I was taught that it was rude. A guest should remain as invisible as possible so they don't impose on their already gracious host, who is put out by having you there.

I know it varies through out the U.S. but I certainly didn't think about it. Even if it is acceptable in other places, I still feel it is wrong to put a guest before your spouse.

 

[digger]

It is 'guests first' for me too.

The present thing is more of a grey one - it sounds like it came from a place of kindness though.

 

[Friday]

know it varies through out the U.S. but I certainly didn't think about it. Even if it is acceptable in other places, I still feel it is wrong to put a guest before your spouse.

It's not putting the guest before your spouse. Your spouse is Hostess. It's her job to be attending to your guests, as well, in fact more in certain ways. Anything that you do for your guests relieves your hostess of having to do them, so it's a subtle attention to her; the more duties you take on the more you can free her up to socialize and enjoy herself. Conversely, Ignoring your guests is an insult to your hostess, as it places the entire burden of their care on her shoulders. It's considered the best of manners to show extra attention both to your hostess's friends and families, in order to show how much you value her, by valuing them... But it's still good manners to tread them as any guest, instead of a special one. You don't have to lavish attention on your spouse's special guests. It just shows how much you esteem your spouse if you do.

Treating your spouse like a guest in her own home? While done for special occasions (if she's the guest of honor, for example, a birthday maybe... Or to give a new mother a break, or a child a chance to learn how to hostess properly)... If done as a matter of course? Denotes ownership, and unequal status, and incompetence. It's a huge ongoing insult & humiliation. (Like being fed strawberries can be lovely, but not allowed silverware and being fed every meal when you're more than capable is insulting.) Ownership, as if this is not her own home that she is mistress of, but someone passing through or only allowed begrudgingly. Unequal status, obvious, if this is his home and not hers as well. Incompetence, that she cannot be trusted to attend to household affairs.

The larger the function, the more stratified roles become... But even just a single visitor? You're still host & hostess, and your guest is your guest.

 

[scout86]

I still feel it is wrong to put a guest before your spouse.

Where I come from. the idea is more that you and your spouse are a team, entertaining guests. So you, jointly, put the guests first. Unless the guest was a close friend, frequent guest, near family member, it would be considered impolite to just help yourself to a cupboard or things from the frig, one would ask for a glass of water, for example. But the idea that guests should be as near to invisible as possible because they are intruding I wouldn't have thought of. A real guest, where I come from, is both wanted and welcome. (Or you're pretending they are.) Those who should be as close to invisible as possible, because they are imposing by taking up oxygen, where I grew up, were "the kids", not guests. :confused:

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Right or wrong, what's really sad about this is that it's June, 6 months past Christmas. Etiquette is etiquette and not a male/female thing particularly.

The curious thing about the opening post is the injection about "being cheated on and lied to" and at the end, "I know he's not the type of guy to cheat". To me this signals that it's not really about being a gracious host, it's about insecurity. That needs to be dealt with rather than nursing a resentment for 6 months.