General Why Am I Still Here?

[aj1]

So this goes out to the ex supporters. Is there anyone like me who is still here, still trying to learn all you can? Trying to wrap your head around it all. Anyone else still feeling like they failed?

I think I am over her. I go about my business, I am making myself available. I am living my life. I am working on me. I was away from the site for almost a month. I begin to move on and then I get slapped back down into thinking about her and missing her.

I end up back here, but honestly I don't think this is helpful anymore. Its like I am studying for a test I will never take.

I just have so much I want to say, but I am leaving her be.

 

[anthony]

Ending any relationship takes time... and the longer you've been with a person, the longer it takes to heal. That is just the way it, so don't beat yourself up over desires returning, because your mind is just grieving and it will pass with time.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Aj1, there are many times that I feel that I am on the brink of losing my husband, and that emotional pain cuts like a knife.
I cannot imagine the sense of loss you must be feeling. I think in our case, supporters of such traumatised individuals, a break-up of a relationship and the parting of ways is especially painful. We invested so much, we took a lot of emotional backlash, but we tried to help.

At the best of times, we feel helpless, like it is never enough. To be faced with a break-up, is especially painful, because then it really feels like it was doomed from the start and that nothing we did was enough.

Maybe it helps to keep reminding yourself that you did not cause her trauma, and it was not up to you to heal her from it.
Maybe it helps to think that you learnt from one another during this relationship, and that it was not all for nought. Perhaps both of you altered the course of each other's "soul journey" for the better! (It helps to look at a bigger, spiritual context in these matters).

Loving Kindness to you and your ex as you both continue on your path.

 

[jkr8789]

Reading this post helped me feel not so alone... I broke up with my boyfriend (who is suffering from Combat PTSD) in May of last year. I had to stop all communication with him in September because I felt like it was bad for both of us to remain friends. I think about him every day. I miss him every day. This week has been particularly awful and that's how I wound up here tonight. Haven't visited this site in a while, but I remember that reading all the posts was particularly helpful and comforting during the our relationship. I don't know why I still come back here from time to time.

I definitely still feel like I failed him. I promised him that I would be there for him and that I would love him and that I wouldn't leave. I thought I could handle it... I thought I could handle him and that we were strong enough to deal with the PTSD. I was wrong. And I broke all those promises to him. So yeah, I do feel like I failed.

Wish I had some better answers for you... but I don't. I don't know why I still come back here, even now, 8+ months later. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

 

[aj1]

I thank you guys for the replies.

I probably need to look into some therapy for myself. The last few years I have been doing a lot of things to try to improve my life.

This relationship felt like some validation.

One thing that I do find as a positive is I finally came to terms with some inappropriate things that happened in my own childhood. I feel bad it took knowing her story to make me realize I needed to address that. In a way I have had some therapy in the form of confession with a priest and some books I have been reading. This site has helped me understand PTSD, but I can never know what that internally is like.

I know I am in a better place as myself, but I long for her to be in a better place. I thought we would work on our issues together as a team. When she broke up with me, I expected there would be a second chance. There may still be one day, but I cannot hold out that hope.

She always talked about how people do not fall in love in less than a year. Strangely I think she was conditioning me for the inevitable.
She never gave me the chance.

I just wanted that chance to talk again. I have so many thoughts, now I don't even know what I would say. I am so hurt by the lack of replies to my attempts to contact her(only three times). I will continue to leave the ball in her court, but the clock continues to run down.

 

[Everhopeful]

I find the same in my case Aj1. Maybe we get drawn to individuals in such pain, as we have some of our own emotional pain buried down way deep inside? This was definitely the case with me. It seems pre-destined now that I felt so strongly attracted to my husband. I identified with his great pain on a subconscious level, and still do. But now in the ensuing time, I have been faced with the reality of my own childhood and that things were not as "harmless" as I thought they were. Things that happened in my childhood were also very damaging to me and I needed to get over this denial I had that my family was not healthy.

I also had to face that psychologically and emotionally, I sustained some damage and I have been carrying my pain around with me for many years, pretending that things weren't that bad.

So, I thank my husband for coming along and I think about that old saying "When the student is ready, the teacher appears".

Even as I write this down, I have no certainty that my marriage will work, how it will carry on from here, will my husband be able to face up to life together with me in one place, or will he want to break away and run away from all of his trauma and pain, as he seemed to have done for all of his 36 years to date...

Wishing you strength. Wishing it for us all - strength, loving kindness and peace...

 

[aj1]

I say this now, and hope I can stick to it, but I think I am truly done with this. I pieced together as much of the puzzle that was available to me and the rest will remain unfinished.

I need to keep working on my stuff alone as there is nothing for 'us' to work on together.

@Everhopeful, thanks for hearing me and replying. Stay strong yourself and I wish you the best.

 

[aj1]

I wrote the following letter in November. I planned to work bits and pieces into our conversations that never happened. I am just going to throw this out here as I don't think it is fair to send to her.
-----

To me our time together was so much fun, but it is not a solo journey. I need to respect what you need and I pass no judgement. I want you to know, I am not mad and I have so much to say, but I do not want to be overwhelming. This is why I say I am being selfish reaching out. I don't want to cause any stress in your life. I would like to just trade some emails, texts, or phone calls, and we will take it from there.

Before we broke up I had been trying to research all I could. I have read so much more in the past few months. I know that I have no idea what it is like first hand. I have read many accounts from both partners and people who have PTSD to try and understand. I know that when things become extra stressful in ones life, they have to manage that stress by removing stressful situations. Even good things like relationships can cause that stress. I understand that when a person needs to pull away from a relationship, it is best to not keep trying to contact them. This was very hard for me, and maybe more time is still needed. I realize how time alone may be the only time that feels safe. Or just time away from that stressor, the relationship, helps to balance the other stresses that you cannot remove, such as school and work.

Relationships often start quite intensely because of the rush of great feelings, comfort, and connection. Even though there are feelings of a positive connection sometimes something sparks bad feelings and it unravels. I understand how the symptoms can make a person feel a good relationship might end badly. The feeling that the closer the relationship, the greater the chance of being hurt. Much of what I read about feelings and the lack of feelings are hard for me to understand. I understand these are very real.

I learned from people when the effects are in full swing, that they are usually so conflicted and hurt that they think no one deserves to share that with them. I read how in hard times, any attempt at communication can feel as a violation of boundaries. This is why communication usually breaks down and feelings of guilt develop. I know that sometimes the thought of replying is so hard, that it cannot be done for a very long time if ever. Many people said they have no problems talking to strangers and continuing on less serious interactions in their life. Hard to understand, but at the same time, I can.

If I need to let go, please tell me if all of this is one sided on my part. If you want to reply but need more time, say that too. But replying to this should not be something you need to worry about, I would love a reply, but I understand. You must take care of yourself first.

The last year plus I have really been working on removing the many things in my life that were very unhealthy.
Anyone who ever tried to date me, I would get scared that I could never make them happy and that if they knew me they wouldn't want me. I just didn't try. The last few years I just gave up.

I finally began to make that change in my life. I was trying to be open to a relationship. I prayed and prayed, but nothing happened. People kept trying to get me to meet their friends, but I knew I wasn't worthwhile to be with anyone. I just wasn't ready.

Then I met you. And you blew me away like no woman I have ever met. You were everything any man could ask for. You have such a drive for your career. You were independent and adventurous. Your love of dogs and nature made me very aware how much of life I had not been living.

Our time together will always mark a very positive change in my life. I hope I was good to you and that you look back at our time as positive. I would love to continue to build our friendship when you are ready. I really believe you were exactly what I needed in my life. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. That is not my fault or your fault, it just wasn't the right time.

You will always be in my heart, and I will always be grateful for our time together.

----------

:cry:

 

[ISupportHer]

I can't say that my situation is similar to anyone else. Although we see similar things in our relationships, so much is individual to our own situations. However, maybe what I say can give hope.

My wife was in a very difficult place when I became a member here. Many hospitalizations, ECT, dissociatiive episodes including one causing an auto accident on the freeway. But now, years later, things have much improved. I feel like I have her back now, if that makes sense.

Can I guarantee others will see positive results? Of course not. There are so many cases of relationship failure here over the last 4-5 years. There can be hope. And this comes from a guy who felt no hope that it would ever be better.

 

[Never Give Up]

@ISupportHer

When it comes to the dissociative episodes, how to you get into any kind of a conversation with a person who wants to pull away and remain alone. My situation is kind of new (4 months of possible PTSD by my wife.)

We live in the same house, had been sleeping in the same bed at times....and we have not talked to each other in over 2 weeks. I am still trying to wrap my head around this whole situation and figure out what I can do....or do I just wait it out. I am at the stage where I cannot even mention that she could have a problem. At this point, I am the blame for everything she is feeling. I feel as a supporter, I am just a doormat and a financial supporter to a person who just doesn't love or care anymore.

Did your situation improve with time, or was it medication that had helped?. My stress levels are getting out of control and feeling like a victim at times. I have to put on my "big boy pants" and know that my wife is not the same person I have been with for the past 21 years. I see just a shell of a person who is struggling and she doesn't see herself from the outside looking in.

 

[R.Quartz]

@aj1 I have had some rocky times with my sufferer gf to where I thought we would surely break up. However I think I'd still be on this forum even if we lost contact. Over the past few years I've dedicated a lot of time and energy towards trying to educate others about women's rights and rape culture -- learning about PTSD over the past 6 months and its long term effects on an individual and their relationships has increased my interest in spreading awareness, and I'd like to continue sharing experiences with others and learning about the condition.