Why Am I Still Here?

[lostforgottensoul]

So, few weeks ago, I came home to a car parked directly in front of my door, sideways. I had it towed, as I was personally told to do by someone in the office. But they have cycled full new staff since I was told that. Anyway, I didn't have it towed until the next morning but it freaked me out.

My apartment complex has labeled parking spots, one per apartment, and some unlabled spots for addtl tenants (where my dad parks) and guests. EVERYONE is to adhere to that and the policy states what is a 24 hr notice and what is an immediate tow. Parking sideways in front of someone's door is an immediate tow.

Last night was a 2nd time someone parked directly in front of my door. As asked in the 2nd email sent to us, I called whom was our security. They apparently aren't anymore and advised me to call towing. I didn't. I went outside and took pictures and was going to wait to see if it stayed there for an extended period of time as I also park there to bring in groceries and stuff but move it directly after. I think I am a pretty tolerant person but someone parking directly in front of my door, sideways, have to walk around it to get in, freaks me out. I didn't know it was the neighbor upstairs and who cares anyway? Why must I (now for the 2nd time as it was also that apartment the 1st time, just a different car) go up a flight of stairs, which is hard for me to do, to ask if its her car and ask her to move it. Or why must I ignore EVERYTHING?

Someone saw me taking pictures and called her on her cell to tell her (I was inside by this time) she went out to go move it but was yelling. My dad, who is 75 yrs old and thinks he is bullet proof and is the most nosey person I have ever seen, went out the back and they were talking but I could hear every word she was saying with the doors closed from inside as did Chopper, so I thought she was yelling at him. My step mom opened the front door though I asked her not to (I was trying my damnest to stop a confrontation) and since it sounded to me like she was screaming at my dad about me, I went out to basically end it. I said "ma'am..." she stopped me there and got directly in my face and her spit was splattering in my face, screaming inches from my face saying "there's no 'ma'am" (whatever that means). End of story there. I was trying to nicely ask her to adhere to the parking policy when she got inches from my face, literally spit hitting my face, my rage/anxiety explotion kicked in. I have zero control over this when it happens. It got so heated that my dad got between us (apparently my dad & step mom are "friends" with her...though they swear to not know her name) and she went to go hit me and scratched my face.

Anyway, my dad basically pushed me back inside and while I walking in she said "I'll f*ck you up bitch".

Afterwards my dad & step mom screamed at me. I tried to tell them that it freaked me out and why it did so and PTSD paranoia was the best thing I could think of as to why it freaked me out. But I was "in the wrong" and each time I tried to tell them of my symtpoms they would say "pffft, oh yeah right" and sarcastic "sure" and "oh ok"..like they didn't believe me. It was a big scream at me, lecture me fest where they stated that I belonged in a mental institution, I was cruel and mean spirited, and basically that I was a piece of shit human being.

They screamed at me for about an hour. Also stating that everyone hates me because I am so cruel and mean. "No wonder you have no friends and everyone, including the family, hates you!" "Why are you so mental?"

I jumped to being VERY suicidal and MADE THEM AWARE that was were my head went and STILL they went on and on. Later my dad got out of bed to "sit with me" when I made him aware of where my head was and what I was about to do and instead of sitting with me and comforting me or just shutting his f*cking mouth, he went on to tell me that I should take my entire trauma and "give it to god". Then when I told him that I wanted to take a baseball bat and pound "god's" head in, he asked "what did god do to you?" When I said "why am I still on this planet when all I do is make everyone miserable and hate me?" He said "well 'god' made you so there has to be a reason" and stopped there. Apparently him loving me isn't a reason to not die.

I understand that I over reacted but isn't that what PTSD is? An over reation to today's reality based on your trauma?

Oh, also they said that if i couldn't "get over" my past in 8 years of therapy then I should be in a mental instituation because I "should be over it by now."

Am I just an asshole? Should I be committed? I mean 8 yrs is a long time. Shouldn't I be better by now?

I'm so f*cking confused. I don't know up from down and feel like I am in water where an under toe took me which makes you confused of which way is up. That's how I feel. Under water spinning around not being able to find air.

Was I wrong? Should I be comitted? Should I be "over it" by now?

Last night, I made myself high by accident. I was just trying to bring down my anxiety and make myself very sleepy so I'd go to sleep and not do something stupid like jump in front of a train or cut really badly. It worked, i fell asleep. Today, I am just as confused and just as suicidal. I am looking for ANY reason to stay alive and I am failing to find one.

I'm sorry that I'm making this a thread. It should be a diary entry. I guess I just need more replies but I'm sorry if I am bothering everyone. My head is in such a bad place right now. I don't know what to do or where to go. My therapist is tomorrow but I don't know if I can make it that far.

 

[Deadman]

Last night, I made myself high by accident.

What do you mean by that? How did you get high? How was it accidental?

 

[Sideways]

Hey beautiful lady - there's a lot going on in that post, but the big issue is the rock-bottom mood and the suicidal thinking. Whatever else is going on in your life, when that thinking starts to appear, it's time to be gentle with yourself give your emotions a bit of breathing space, simplify things, do some gentle self-care, steer clear of difficult encounters. All the other issues? Can wait.

Should you be healed by now? With what you've been through? No. There's no timeframe. I've been in therapy 7 years. Is that "time up"? No. Same goes for you.

What your dad said is thoughtless, hurtful, and ignorant. But it's not new. That's what he's like. And it hurts. And it's not fair. But he's still important to you, that's why he lives with you.

The comment about not being able to control yourself when you get triggered like that? Don't do that. You know that's not true. Yes, you have intense and volatile emotions, but you've come a long way in learning how to manage them, so give yourself some credit. It sounds to me more like too many issues piling up on top of each other and the end product is an explosion. Even more reason to spend some time being gentle on yourself - bring the emotions back down.

The crazy neighbor upstairs? Issue for another day. It's not okay that she went berko at you like that. That's not okay. But assess what's going on right now - got yelled at, treated like crap, and now since you're human, that's left you feeling like crap. Again, time for more gentleness witht yourself. Disengage from the issues around you, refocus on you, being gentle to you.

Parking? Even more of a distant issue. Your head isn't in the right space to deal with that right now, and it's actually not a big deal in the grand scheme. It's annoying, but does it change who you are? Does it need to determine how you feel about yourself? No.

There's 3 parking spaces for 13 units in my complex. Parking causes regular fights between the neighbours. So I get it, I really do. But keep it in context. Walking around her car is inconvenient, but is it really an issue you want to devote energy to when you're feeling like this? No. So again, refocus on being gentle with you.

These emotions will pass. You know how to get through this - self-care. Space. Time. Simplify.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hey. @lostforgottensoul Ok, pull you head firmly out of your ass and get a reality check....

The bitch that parked in front of your door was WRONG!!!!! When she opened her mouth and started screaming at me, I would have punched her in the mouth. Ok, maybe not but I would have told that ugly bitch what I thought of her. Stupid fat f*cktwad!!!,

Your dad.... Sorry, but he's about as comforting, and compassionate as the wall in the shit house.

I've been in therapy off and on since I was 15, and I'm still f*cked up.

You had a shitty day, people got in your space, face and head. Now tell them all to get the f*ck out and do something nice for yourself. Give yourself a break and remember that healing takes time.....

Hugs

 

[Heather]

I've been in therapy lost for 27 years and I'm still not right.

Your dad and step mother's reaction was way out of line.

I'm having problems with my neighbors too...so I feel for you there.

Hang in there.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How did you get high? How was it accidental?

I take a muscle relaxer and a xanax to go to sleep. My entire body was trembling inside and out so bad i couldn't walk and had my head in my hands rocking myself and couldn't stop. There was no way I was going to get to sleep and needed to as I had to go to work today plus I wanted to make myself as sleepy as possible so I'd go to sleep and my cutting/suicide urges couldn't keep me awake so i took one more xanax and one more mucsle relaxer. I have been having a hard time going to sleep as it was. So yes it was by accident. My goal was to get super sleepy, not get high. It wasn't a big deal as I took the dog out and went to bed as soon as they hit so I fell asleep and didnt enjoy a high but taking the dog out was intresting.

gentle self-care

I'm not sure even how to do that at the moment.

I don't know. I just feel so very tight inside. I dont know how else to explain that. I feel super tight all over and all inside. I dont know even what to do to do self care right now. My emotions are so all over I cant pick one out right now. If asked what am I feel my answer is I dont know.

I got home from work today, went straight to take Chopper training at Walgreens, but as soon as I got home from training I started to hyper ventalate and was grabbing the walls and knocking stuff off a table cause I couldn't breath and was trying to.

But keep it in context. Walking around her car is inconvenient, but is it really an issue you want to devote energy to when you're feeling like this?

But it freaks me out and I don't know why
Her car in front of my door mean. And I told my parents that if she would had parked in my spot, annoying but I wouldn't of made a big deal about it and would have just parked in a non labeled spot. But why does that freak me out so bad? Or at all? I don't know but since PTSD is an anxiety/fear/paranoia based disorder, I can only guess it has something to do with PTSD. Or just some odd terror but it sent me on a freak out and it seems so stupid. I dont get it myself let alone to try to explain it to my parents during an hour long scream lecture.

Maybe I am a freak, I don't know.

The comment about not being able to control yourself when you get triggered like that? Don't do that. You know that's not true.

No, it is true. Not being triggered and not being able to control it. Thats not what I meant. I think I have come a long way to learn to disenage when triggered. I am talking about uncontrolable blind rage explosions. Once its ignighted I can't stop it nor do I know what I said or did til its over. I have learned to feel my anxiety peak and try to disenage then, which is usually only a sec or so in the moment but at that moment it was inside listening to her, I guess, talk super loud to my dad. So going out there was a mistake and I could have decided not to. Though, I think worry for my dad may have taken over there. But once out there and she got in my face, that was the moment I couldn't stop. I didn't even know my dad was between us or that he pushed me inside the porch until later. Thats what I meant and thats what my parents are basing their opinions on. How crazy I am to go off like that.

My head is just spinning and I am just so f*cking mixed up in my head and I am just so so very tired. I am just so tired of fighting. Of feeling that piercing pain when yet another family member abandons me. The last one left. Because I am just so f*cked up and I cant seem to fix it. I am trying so hard to but cant seem to.

Im sorry...i dont mean to complain and this should have been a diary entry. I posted it as a thread only because this site is the only thing I have now and I guess I just needed someone to sit by me and let me put their head on their shoulder.

I dont know, that sounds stupid. I'll shut up now.

Thank you @She Cat and though I have never laid a hand on someone durning my explosions, if my dad wasn't there I think I would have.

You know what I dont get. Why am I the one that needs to be comitted? She was going off just the same if not worse then me. Maybe its cause im the crazy one?

Your dad.... Sorry, but he's about as comforting, and compassionate as the wall in the shit house.

No shit!

He actually said "I have PTSD too". The f*ck you do. Not only do you have no symptoms of it and can't seem to understand it even with a thick PTSD sourcebook ("user manual") but you ADMITTED to me you were faking it and the VA says you don't have it. But you say that while screaming at me making fun of my PTSD symptoms?

@Heather, I know you have had your share of neighbor issues. Thank you for your support! It means more then you know!

Ok, shutting up and stopping the complaining now. Sorry! :sorry:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Don't shut up and you're not complaining. Vent as much as you need.....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist said that she was wrong no matter what. Even if it didnt freak me out, its against parking policy and most likely the city's fire code.

He said my dad was wrong to even go out there. That we just should had let her move her car and be done with it.

He said my dad was really wrong for what he said to me and that it was horrible and very cruel to say to someone.

He said that this would have shaken anyone and in the grand scheme of things. In the bigger picture, I am doing much better and though i struggle, my symptoms and just all of it has gotten much better.

He said (and has always said) that I navigate life and function really well given my trauma. Not that I don't struggle but that I stay able to work and function much better then he would have guessed.

He says I don't need to be comitted. That this takes a real long time and very hard work to overcome my trauma and that I am trying harder then he has ever seen anyone try.

He said other things that I can't remember right now but my head is still swimming and I still feel super tight and can't seem to name one emotion or even one thought other then the cutting urges and the suicidal thoughts. I don't know how to start moving again or how to even let anything out.

Sigh! I'm sorry for taking everyone's time for nonscense.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Stop apologizing........ That's what this place is for.... Support...... And venting. Bitching and moaning. Plus working on shit. Thats what you did......

 

[Heather]

I agree with she cat...vent away girl!

You are very functional for all you've been through. To be able to hold down a job....that's an accomplishment. I can't do that....yet.

Kudos for you lost:tup::hug:

 

[Sideways]

Your T is right - your dad was outta line. This woman getting in your face was outta line. And you are doing so incredibly well given what you've been through. Anyone would have been shaken up by this. Anyone in that confrontation would have felt unsafe.

Maybe the tightness is that the situation hasn't gone away? Your dad, and his messed up opinions, still lives with you. The woman with the car lives upstairs. So all this stuff hasn't gone away, the situation hasn't really resolved. That's tough to live with, it's tough to get calm again when the issues are still all around.

Self care isn't complicated. It's hard to pull it off when we have to be nice to ourselves, but you need to be gentle with yourself. You need to prioritise your mental health. So what would you do if you were your best friend, if you were looking at you as another person, who needed some tlc - what would you do for them? That's what you do.

And for another day? You can control yourself when you hit "blind rage". It's not the issue right now, but over time, you keep healing, you keep learning about yourself. You keep getting better at knowing when your SUDS are getting too high, when you need to exit the situation urgently. You also get better at manage your emotions so you don't soin out to 'blind rage' status. And eventually, you do get to the point where even when 'blind rage' hits, you become master at controlling it.

Thing about blind rage, seeing red - you know that happens to you. And it's not okay. It's not okay because it's not safe. You end up losing your block at the wrong person, or doing something you regret. But that issue isn't unique. Lots of people have to learn to manage that, because they're responsible for the outcome if they 'lose control', and because it's unsafe, people (potentially you) end up getting hurt.

One thing I learned from the vets I used to cohabit with at hospital? That blind rage is incredibly dangerous, but no matter who you are, what you've been through - you can learn the skills the control it.

That's not me having a go at you. Like I said, right now is the time to focus on you, being gentle with you. But there is hope. You've shown that you can learn amazing skills, and this is another skill that you can learn. You will learn.

I've been a backseat passenger on your journey. I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes. But I have been witness to the incredible things that you've been able to overcome because you are that strong, you don't give up, you keep getting better bit by bit every day.

You are a beautiful warrior lady. Don't give up. Telling yourself "I can't" gives an air of helplessness, chaos, like things are out of control. But that's not true. Not anymore. You have fields of hope laying out in front of you. Don't give up:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's not me having a go at you.

No, I know that.

"Blind rage" is just the only way I can describe it but its not rage. Its not anger at all. Anger could be mixed in there as can other emotions but its anxiety shooting up from 0 to 100 in a split sec and boom. My therapist taught me early in how to feel it shooting up so I can try to leave the situation or tell someone to leave if I can, which my parents NEVER listen to and fight with me thus why they are generally the only ones it gets that bad with. That woman was the first one that wasnt one of my parents I've gone off on since my ex roommates lived with me about 5 yrs ago. But its a tiny window of time.

You are right though. They have decreased in amount. A lot. I didn't learn that many coping tools that fast so I think most of the is Seriquel and the remainder is training my dog which takes up all my time and my mental space. Which is actually seems to be a good thing. I fear I am pushing away what I should be working on but, I think that this is actually helping me heal.. And it's helping me laugh and be excited and happy and goofy and also gain the benefit from his tasks.

Im not saying its not dangerous. Just that its not rage.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I do that too much!

Maybe the tightness is that the situation hasn't gone away? Your dad, and his messed up opinions, still lives with you. The woman with the car lives upstairs. So all this stuff hasn't gone away, the situation hasn't really resolved. That's tough to live with, it's tough to get calm again when the issues are still all around.

I think its pain. Now that its all calmed some I can feel what I called "alter like things" though I think they are emotions but its how it seems to me. But the little girl one. The one always hiding and always scared. Its the one I felt the most when my mom died. This is the same almost. The death of the daddy "we" need and the pain that comes with that. Hearing what he said, my own father. Maybe I held onto false hope. Im unsure.