Should I still worry about this???

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

A LOOONNGG time ago I testified against a defacto psychopath. The psychopath had tried to end my friend. (I’m being vague so I don’t trigger anyone.) it was terrifying; I waited for months, certain someone would end me before I could testify.

Anyway, the psychopath got a slap on the wrist and a very short prison sentence. For years after I always was paranoid he would find me. Back when landlines were a thing I had an unlisted number and took steps to not be discovered. I would always scan for threats when I went out anywhere.

Anyway, I recently told somebody about the incident, the trial and all that stuff and this person said they would be scared to go anywhere alone and be worried about him attacking them. Even after decades!

I moved a long way away from all that stuff and I’m wondering if I should still be worried? I tend to blow off stuff that others freak out over. Like meh, gonna die anyways, who cares? I’m not certain. Like I’m so used to bad shit IDGAF.

Ever since that person said all that I’m ruminating on the incident/the psychopath which i hadn’t done in a long time. FML. Like I’ll be out walking and my mind goes there and I start scanning for threats. I’m really f’ng sick and tired (literally) of this haunting me.

(Ps: idk if the psychopath is alive or incarcerated; internet searches over some years yield bumpkiss.) This sucks.

 

[Sideways]

I’m wondering if I should still be worried?

What benefit would you get from continuing to worry? Genuine question.

If there is some benefit to continuing to worry? Then sure, go ahead and worry.

But, IME, worry is a pretty unhelpful thing for our brains to occupy themselves with.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

What benefit would you get from continuing to worry? Genuine question.

If there is some benefit to continuing to worry? Then sure, go ahead and worry.

But, IME, worry is a pretty unhelpful thing for our brains to occupy themselves with.

I guess, theoretically, being on guard *might* keep me safe but what are the odds the bastard is A. Alive and B. Not in prison? I guess I should shove it out of my mind. Also, I’ve read “the body keeps the score” and yikes!!

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

There’s something I need to add, and this is obvs a PTSD thing lmao:

If the POS ever makes the mistake of hunting me down, he will be in for a nasty surprise. I’m no longer the frozen, horrified teenager unable to do anything.

My bitch switch got flipped some time ago; I am f’ng nasty. Dangerous. Calm when SHTF. Nobody gets the drop on me. Not anymore. Also, I learned how to throw a punch lol.

I once scared off a deranged jackass without even having to throw a punch. I had to. It was either fight or be turned into roadkill.

I keep it under wraps. I strive to keep my temper in check. People have made snide remarks and I just shake my head and walk away. Talk is cheap.

 

[Friday]

(I’m being vague so I don’t trigger anyone.)

Putting on my staff hat for a moment You never need to do this here, on this site.

Community Constitution

...Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

 

[Friday]

And back to just being ME

Anyway, I recently told somebody about the incident, the trial and all that stuff and this person said they would be scared to go anywhere alone and be worried about him attacking them. Even after decades!

1. I've had more experience with psychopaths than I care to have had.

It's been decades. Unless you seek him out & remind him you exist? You're fine.

2. Even if they had beaten the trial and were actively targeting you, back when everything was fresh and they didn't have a list -decades long- of people who "wronged" them? The WORST thing you could do / have done is /was to be afraid of them. It's like throwing gasoline at a fire. Or chum in shark waters. It's also probably the only thing that, decades later, would make you interesting to them. Don't do it. Just be you, being your normal self. It's like invisibility spray. Fear attracts things to be afraid of.

3. Someone imagining what they MIGHT do/think/feel? Tells you a whole lot about them, but virtually nothing about you, and even less about what they would ACTUALLY do/think/feel.

Your friend (most likely) either

- gets off on the vicarious thrill of fear (likes horror movies & gossip, but claims not to; actually dislikes roller coasters and confrontation, but probably claims to like both... they like watching OTHER PEOPLE'S emotions)
-or-
- Is afraid of everything, and wants everyone to know it, so they check on her to make sure she's okay... a lot. And First.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

And back to just being ME


1. I've had more experience with psychopaths than I care to have had.

It's been decades. Unless you seek him out & remind him you exist? You're fine.

2. Even if they had beaten the trial and were actively targeting you, back when everything was fresh and they didn't have a list -decades long- of people who "wronged" them? The WORST thing you could do / have done is /was to be afraid of them. It's like throwing gasoline at a fire. Or chum in shark waters. It's also probably the only thing that, decades later, would make you interesting to them. Don't do it. Just be you, being your normal self. It's like invisibility spray. Fear attracts things to be afraid of.

3. Someone imagining what they MIGHT do/think/feel? Tells you a whole lot about them, but virtually nothing about you, and even less about what they would ACTUALLY do/think/feel.

Your friend (most likely) either

- gets off on the vicarious thrill of fear (likes horror movies & gossip, but claims not to; actually dislikes roller coasters and confrontation, but probably claims to like both... they like watching OTHER PEOPLE'S emotions)
-or-
- Is afraid of everything, and wants everyone to know it, so they check on her to make sure she's okay... a lot. And First.

PS: I let this person go. This person started exhibiting some disturbing boundary violations and wouldn’t see reason. Also, you’re correct: a gossip and violates others’ boundaries. Luckily, only an online entity not IRL. This person is rather…codependent or something so I guess I didn’t take them really seriously.

You have a good point I didn’t consider before (sorry if my replies are disjointed, I’m sick and my cognition isn’t great lol.) Psychopath probably has more current vendettas/crap. What transpired before is ancient history. I don’t blame myself for being hypervigilant for a long time. But, the time for that is in the past. It doesn’t even matter anymore, I guess?

It’s still a mindf*ck what I have endured and sometimes, despite my strength, I feel like crumbling and just shake and shake all over and go insane. :/

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

I’m kind of embarrassed to have posted this but it’s been eating at me and I’ve no one irl who understands on a visceral level. Thanks for setting me straight so I don’t go totally nuts.

 

[Friday]

kind of embarrassed to have posted this but it’s been eating at me and I’ve no one irl who understands on a visceral level. Thanks for setting me straight so I don’t go totally nuts.

snicker... I periodically swear neeeeeever to return to the site, again, I'm so embarrassed &/or in that ice water for blood, snakes in my belly, triggered-AVOIDANCE-guilt-shame-sick-fear. And then? I log right back in. Personal rule: I have to do everything that scares me... eventually.