"why Are You So Stressed Mummy?"

[HelenB]

I was having a very hard day on Saturday and at the end of the day was talking to my two youngest children (7 and 8 years) and told them I was really sorry I had been so stressed that day and my 8 year old said to me "why are you so stressed mummy?" It was one of those moments where I really didn't know what to say, but knew I did have to be honest, and that it is so important that they realise it is not their fault.

I told her that when I was little some not very nice things happened to me and that as I had found it very hard I had just tried to shut it out and pretend it hadn't happened, but that all the hurt and feelings had never gone away and that now it was all coming up and I had to deal with it and that sometimes it makes me feel like it is happening now and makes me hurt a lot and make me sad. She asked how I deal with it and I talked to her about how I need to let all those parts come up now and show them they are safe and how God is a big part of that, and also told them that they are so important to keep me going because they are so special and I love them so much and how when I am finding it hard I think of them and how much I have now and how it is not happening any more and that that really helps me.

It was one of those conversations which was very hard, and both of us cried a bit, but I do think it was important for both of us to be so real. In many ways I still feel like I am so crap when I can't be better for them, but I do think it was important and in many ways it helped feel in to that little girl place in me too, that it really isn't my fault and that there is a way through and that I really do have so much more now, which I know is so important to keep hold of.

I obviously didn't specifically say what things happened to me, and would not when they are this young, but am glad I said what I did as I think it is so important that we are honest and encourage them to be able to express their feelings too, and I know so well that children do blame themselves for so much and really do want them to know that when I do find things hard, which is a lot at the moment, it really isn't their fault.

I wondered how anyone else deals with this kind of thing, as being a wife and mother too, I know I find so hard to balance with everything else, but do know that being a mother also really is the only thing which has kept me going at many times.

Thanks for reading
Helen

 

[Candleflames]

Helen you handled things almost exactly how I handled things with my children, almost verbatim even.

It is a difficult thing to explain to an adult and terrifying to explain to our own children. You did a great job explaining things on a kid level and taught a very important lesson in compassion and communication. Excellent job!

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It is so hard so often to balance everything when you have little people so dependant on you, and so hard to know how to deal with it sometimes. I am glad to hear that you also handled things with your children the same and really hope it was beneficial to you all.

As an aside when read what I had written back I didn't think it was clear what I was saying as it followed on from other bits, but it is my children who I was talking about when I wrote the following:

and also told them that they are so important to keep me going because they are so special and I love them so much and how when I am finding it hard I think of them and how much I have now and how it is not happening any more and that that really helps me.

I expect it would have made sense and been obvious but thought I'd clarify as I didn't think I'd written it very clearly.

Thank you again for reading
Helen

 

[scout86]

Thanks for sharing that! Lucky kids, I think.

My therapist sent me an article on "learning emotional intelligence" the other day. In it, a kindergarten teacher asked his class if anyone had had anything happen that made them unhappy that day. A little girl said that her mom had yelled at her. The class discussed that, and talked about what she could do. They decided she could tell her mommy that it made her unhappy to be yelled at. I was horrified. In my head, I was saying, "No! No! Don't do that! You're going to make her REALLY mad!!" Wanted to cover my eyes so I didn't have to watch. :rolleyes: "Mommy", in the story, actually apologized, pretty much like you did. It's kind of cool to see that there ARE real people who would do that kind of thing!

 

[HelenB]

Thank you too for your encouragement. I wish they were lucky kids and that I didn't have to be finding things so hard in the first place and need to be saying sorry to them for being so stressed, but do appreciate your comments and do know it is good and important that we can at least be real and honest with each other and do want so much for them to be able to be real about their emotions too even when it is so hard, as I know it helps so much if they can be given the space to do that. I think I am quite fortunate that my children do know they can talk to me and do, and really hope that continue for their sakes too, as I know it is important.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[Annie B]

I have no place replying to this post, but I think you handled this beautifully! Someday I may need to have a similar conversation with my son. When the time comes I will look to you as an example. What a good mom you are! Don't forget that.

I so wish my mother could have approached things the way you did. If anyone wants to know what NOT to say and do, ask me. Haha. Although I suspect many people on here already know, based on their own experiences...

Really, fantastic! Thanks for sharing.

 

[HelenB]

Of course you have a place to reply and thank you for your comments and encouragement. I hope that when you have to talk to your son their can be a real openness and honesty between you and am sorry I hear that your own experience with your mother was not good.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[HelenB]

Scout86 I have been thinking about what you said your reaction was to the child telling her mommy what he was feeling when you said:

I was horrified. In my head, I was saying, "No! No! Don't do that! You're going to make her REALLY mad!!" Wanted to cover my eyes so I didn't have to watch. :rolleyes:

I am sorry that your experience had told you that this would not be ok and am so glad that you can see that it is true that there are people who are not like this. I know for myself that my own experience with my mother would never have been like this, but am glad that things can be different with my own children - even though I do mess up so much - but also know that whatever I experienced I did in fact deserve so much more, and really hope you can see and know that you also did deserve to be treated the same way as the mother in the story treated her child and that it was not a wrong thing for the child to do to have those needs validated and to deserve an apology when they had been hurt.

Helen

 

[RussH]

Helen,
I am sorry you had such a rough day, but what a good conversation with your daughter. I know, based on our past communications with you that you are an excellent person, which by extrension means you are an excellent parent.

I know you love your kids, and I also know they love you. I also think because of the things you suffered you will protect your children.

Just try to remember just because you have a bad day, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, or a good parent. It just means its a bad day.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I've got a little daughter due in 2 weeks. I can tell you I'm bookmarking this thread for later, because one day, this kind of conversation is inevitably going to come up, and I want to know the best way to deal with it.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you all for your encouragement and congratulations on the imminent arrival of your daughter TheBubzilla. I hope all goes well with you.

RussH I really appreciate your encouragement too. When there is so much going on, I certainly do not feel that there is any way I can be an excellent person or mother, but do know that I do love my children so much and really will do my best to protect them, I just wish it wasn't so often so difficult at the moment, and when the bad days sometimes feel like keep coming it certainly does make everything very hard, and I am so grateful that I do have such an amazing and supportive family, as I know it does help things so much, and they really do keep me going so much.

Thank you all again
Helen

 

[scout86]

HelenB, I'd say your kids ARE lucky, in that you may not be perfect (who is?) but you're very aware of your kids, and yourself, and how things affect them. I don't think growing up in a home where unusual things happen is as damaging as growing up in a home....well, let's say in a home where parents have issues but aren't really self aware. We learn to think our way through relationships by having the chance to do it, and be seeing it modeled. You are doing both with your kids. In the end, they will probably have a lot more emotional intelligence than most kids who grow up in "normal" homes. You're modeling how to face and deal with issues and that's a gift, even if it comes from a bad place.

As far as the little girl in the story goes......I'm still kind of trying to wrap my mind around that! :)