Why Did I Disassociate After Recounting A Load Of Stories?

[Cool Cat]

Last therapy session I recounted a lot of 'traumatic' type stories connected to where I grew up.
But it was only when my T said something to the effect of "And how does that make you feel?"
Only then I suddenly stopped being able to talk, completely tuned out, the room was blurry - I was 'gone'.
What happened?

 

[shimmerz]

In my experience you were asked to attach to your feelings and they were overwhelming to you. Therefore your body went into stop mode. When I go into a 'dizzy, blurry etc' state, I know that I am attempting to cover up feelings that I somehow cannot process. With treatment, your dissociation (this is only my opinion) will ease as you learn how to identify these emotions in a less overwhelming way. .

 

[Cool Cat]

@shimmerz that actually makes a good bit of sense. And at what point are you able to express emotion about experiences?

 

[Intrepid]

It may be that you cut the feelings off when you were young. Now you can tell the story without the feelings.

When you're therapist asked you what you're feelings are, you went to where you're feeling are, but it wasn't in the therapist's' office. You went to where your feelings went when they were cut off.

Does that make since?

 

[Cool Cat]

@Intrepid Yeah I guess that does make a lot of sense. Is getting re-connected an option?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Reconnection isn't just an option, I'd say it's imperative for processing.

 

[Cool Cat]

@Solara does it take long?

 

[shimmerz]

And at what point are you able to express emotion about experiences?

@Cool Cat I am VERY left brained. Because of that, I had to recognize that I was logical by nature and use that intellect to 'guess' how a certain situation would feel to someone else, I started with very simple things to help my brain practice this skill. Dealing with the bigger pieces (more complex emotions) came much more easily after practice with the smaller pieces. I must agree strongly with @Solara, this isn't just a 'nice thing to do' but imperative to getting integrated.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it varies.... Not the answer you wanted to hear, but I don't know how else to say it.

 

[ghotiff]

Great thread.

@shimmerz if you are comfortable to do so, could you please provide an example of a small thing that you started with.

More generally, I have now discovered that I feel a lot of shame and disgust about myself. Would letting those feelings exist help my recovery. I can shut them down quite easily and I'm not sure if I should or not.

 

[shimmerz]

could you please provide an example of a small thing that you started with

Shame is a really good one to start with @ghotiff. I would say that the fact that you realize you are feeling shame is 3/4 of the battle, because many times it takes some time to figure out even what the emotion is! So, spot on!

The next step for me, which took a fair bit but got much easier as I got practice was to challenge the emotion and why I was taking that (negative) emotion on. So when I say small I mean something in the here and the now (and then the bigger ones were the ones working backwards in time). If I made any type of mistake I would be ashamed. Logic dictates that I accept that people make mistakes. I don't expect others to be ashamed (notice the left brain thinking here) (transference working here). I would then picture myself reaming out someone that I cared about for making the same mistake. Realized I would NEVER do such a thing.

So then, I would ask myself why it would be that I would accept a mistake without making others feel ashamed for making that mistake. I would cringe even thinking about shaming someone else. So clearly the shame did not come from within (ie it was not my nature), it must have been planted inside me and someone made it applicable only to me. Therefore it was a false belief (I do not naturally subscribe to making others feel shameful).

This is where I would rationalize that this behaviour of mine MUST be challenged. Why challenge it? To get to health. I want healthy relationships with others therefore I forgive. Therefore in order to have a healthy relationship with myself (which is the only way to get to health) I MUST learn, not only to forgive, but also to not put so much emphasis on my mistakes.

Not sure if that makes sense, but please feel free to question more or ask me to be more specific if it isn't clear. This, I have found has been a really important part of building a new and healthier relationship with me. Crucial.

I absolutely don't suggest shutting them down but instead acknowledging them (with a name - like shame or disgust) and learning how to let them have much less power over you.