Why Did I Fight To Survive?

[Muzikluvr]

Now that I remember all the horrific and humiliating assaults that I endured, I wonder, why did I want to survive so badly? I sometimes wish that I had just let them kill me.

• They said I was broken - I knew they were wrong.
• They treated me like an object - I believed I was a girl.
• They thought they were better than I was - I knew they were wrong.
• They tried to break me, and I fought back, and they tried again, and I fought back again, when I quit fighting it was only so I could survive... not because they broke me.
• I swore I would show them. I would prove them wrong. Someday they would see what they rejected and they would cry at their loss as I was crying for mine.

Since then, I've seen that this is all a lot of hooey. They will never see their folly. They don't care if I survived. They didn't need to break me forever... just for the moment was enough for them. My fighting back was more fun for them. And holding onto all of those reasons to live is hurting me.

I had to repress what they'd done to me in order to survive all that. Now that I can access those memories anytime I want... and sometimes be haunted by them at inconvenient times... what will fuel my fire to survive?

• My kids
• My husband
• Potential grandchildren
• Prospective, but as of yet non-existent, friends
• Retirement plans with hubby
• Hope... that I'll forgive myself, let go of their shame, stand up for myself, put myself out there again, find something I love to do, help other people, stop stressing over things I have no control over, stop worrying about the future, learn to trust again.

I'm glad I survived every time my kids enjoy life and succeed socially, and academically. Also, I really enjoy riding my motorcycle. :D

What about you? Why did you fight to survive? What keeps you here? What makes you glad you survived or What will it take for you to be glad you survived?

 

[leanne1321]

That is a good question...

For me, survival was a coincidence. For a long time after, I felt like I should never have survived and to some extent, still believe that I'm dying.

But I fight. I fight because I have so much good in my life and I know that I'm lucky in a lot of ways many people aren't and never will be. I have a loving, supportive family, an amazing husband and two beautiful little boys who adore me.

As much trouble as my trauma's have created, I could never wish that it had never happened. It has all moulded me into the person I am now. I would still have my loving, supporting family, but would I have my husband and consequently, my children?

 

[WonderingWhy]

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to fight & struggle & suffer.

My daughter is the only thing keeping me hanging on. I sometimes wonder what will e, when she no longer needs me.

 

[leanne1321]

WW I'm sure she'll always need you, I'm 26 and still need my mum.

 

[WonderingWhy]

:) Leanne,

Well she is 17 and driving. Hardly ever home. When she is, she's either texting, on the computer, doing school work, sunbathing, watching movies/tv or visiting with friends out of sight of mom of course! I don't feel very needed.:(

 

[leanne1321]

I was the same, barely at home at that age. Your daughters just at an age where she feels independant. I now live 3000 miles away from home and see my mum twice a year, but I have to call her often.

When your daughters older and has her own children, you will see how much she needs you and how much your advice means to her. I know that a lot of people on this forum haven't had great role models, but I was lucky to have a great mum. That's what mum's should be!

 

[WonderingWhy]

Leanne,

Thank you, I know we have been very close. She is my heart! I suppose I should be happy she is happy, social and well adjusted! Other than being a bit over protective, parenting her has been the one thing that I seem to have done quite well!:rolleyes:

 

[leanne1321]

Well it sounds like you've done an amazing job!:applause: I know that she won't show it much, but she does appreciate everthing that you've done for her. I know how it feels, my chidren are my life, I couldn't survive without them.

 

[Nyx]

I didn't fight then. I fight now.

I was a tormented child, physically and psychologically abused by a father who didn't know what parenting meant. I was emotionally abandoned by a mother who couldn't cope with what was going on. I had to strive by myself. And for a while I tried. But he was bigger, stronger. And he was my father, I was taught since a little kid I had to listen to my parents, even when I think they're wrong. I grew up learning how not to fight back. I grew up dreaming I would suddenly die so that everyone would be rid of me and I would be rid of this life I did not ask for. I grew up wishing I was a boy and trying to convince the boys' group to take me in.

Adolescence came. With it came that lack of will I dragged around for years. I stopped fighting and started hating. With it also came a stronger will to die and a few attempts. Of course my mom didn't understand what they were about, she thought it was about boys. Bullshit! But with it also came my salvation: it was nearly time to leave home. I just drifted along and hoped that time would come sooner.

College. It was supposed to be my fun time, my high time. I made friends, but led a poor life. My father didn't want to send me money and I couldn't find a job that would allow me to also study. My mom would send me money and food without him knowing. I was hospitalized twice, after each exam session. And then came the end of the year, the first rape. I couldn't go back there. I wan't planning to anyway, because it was a school chosen by him. I wanted to study something else.

I changed cities without him knowing and started to study for my school of choice. A year went by and I was on my way. I had buried deep down what happened, so I didn't have to fight it. I took the exam and then went home. And then the second rape happened. It was the day I almost became accomplice to his death. The day I admitted him to the psychiatric ward. The day I left home for good. The day I found out that I had been admitted to the college of my dreams. The day I died.

During a therapy session my T sent me back to the me lying on a neighbor's couch that night, trying to erase what happened from my memory. She told me to give myself a hug and tell myself I did the best I could. Did I? I fought for his life, but not for me. Was that the best?

I left the city and never looked back. I kept it all locked down. For two weeks all I could do was play NFSU and sleep. I didn't fight anything. Not the rapes, not the effects of the rapes, not the abuse. I am fighting now.

I am. But why? I know that it's not for me. It's for the people who love me. If it were for me, I wouldn't be here. Maybe at one point I will learn how to forgive me and appreciate me and learn to fight for me. Not now though..

 

[Lionheart]

I sometimes wish that I had just let them kill me.

I can definitely relate to wanting to die...I used to pray for death to come, I would take handfuls of pills, drink whiskey hand over fist, cut on myself with razor blades, then act out the abuse with me in the role of victim. (which exposed me to HIV and total strangers)... It was a dark and insane time for me. I am still here and *I credit my higher power with burying my core self within me so that it would be safe...also for giving me the strength and grace to get myself some help.

What makes you glad you survived?

Today I love the man that I have become. After all of the pain, fear and darkness, I finally found peace with myself and love within, so that I can share from a full heart rather than from a place of emptiness.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I didn't fight then. I fight now.

I had to strive by myself.

So at a young age you had to work hard at living, and you did. Is that because you didn't know better? or because you had some expectations, maybe innate expectations, that life would get better? Isn't that fighting? I mean maybe you didn't punch, kick or bite, but didn't you fight to survive by every means you were capable of? Are you expecting that you should have been capable of physically hurting your dad to make him stop at this early age? Do you think that you should have been independent enough at that early age to alienate your parents?

it was nearly time to leave home. I just drifted along and hoped that time would come sooner.

You had hope.

I wanted to study something else.

You had dreams.

I changed cities without him knowing

You had guts. (I packed my bags freshman year of college and my roommate even encouraged me to start over somewhere else, but we discussed my parents reactions, and I stayed. Ever the dutiful daughter despite the sacrifice to my inner self.)

And then the second rape happened. It was the day I almost became accomplice to his death. The day I admitted him to the psychiatric ward. The day I left home for good. The day I found out that I had been admitted to the college of my dreams. The day I died.

I don't understand what happened that day, but it sounds like maybe you could have let him die and justified it, but you value life. You value it so much that you probably didn't think through very well what life would be like for you if you'd let him die... maybe you just reacted the way you believe is right... to preserve life... before considering yourself? Maybe you did consider it and couldn't callously watch him die...?

I fought for his life, but not for me. Was that the best?

At the time, yes, that was the best you could do. Is it the best you could do now? "When you know better, you do better." -Oprah. Would you do better for yourself now? Would you decide that you are worth living for, and that he is not worth dying for? How will you begin to live for yourself? Don't you give an awful lot to other people? Haven't you given up an awful lot for other people? What destructive, yet comforting behaviors will you give up for yourself? What ways will you find to bring comfort to yourself which will also promote peace and joy in your life?

I am fighting now. I am. But why? I know that it's not for me. It's for the people who love me. If it were for me, I wouldn't be here. Maybe at one point I will learn how to forgive me and appreciate me and learn to fight for me. Not now though..

I feel this exact same way. Well, I've been feeling better since I started posting here and reading about all of you. I still don't know why I'm staying alive for me. I'm too cowardly to try anything new, I'm stuck on this path I chose before I understood what happened in my life and before I remembered the number of rapes and extent of my own insanity which led me to a lot of dangerous situations.

My post ends with Hope. That's all I've got for me right now, everything else is for others. It will have to do until I can recover enough love for myself that I can do more than hope, when I can actually put myself out there and try.

Maybe you too still have hopes... do you still have dreams? :hug:

 

[Nyx]

Maybe you too still have hopes... do you still have dreams?

Yes, I do. I hope I always rise after a fall, like I did before. I don't dream any more, it's too dangerous. But I do hope to rise every time, even though I still haven't found an answer as to why I'm worth living a happy life. When I've found that answer I will probably move on to this question..

How will you begin to live for yourself?

Thank you, muzikluvr, for your kindness and patience to read through, you warmed my heart. :hug: