Why do I purposely trigger myself?

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
The re enactment. It’s pleasurable. Plus I want to be punished.
I trigger myself on purpose for a lot of different reasons. The 3 most common are:

- I have a thing about repeating things, over and over, until I can get them “right”. AKA just a function of my personality :sneaky:
- Exposure Therapy / Chipping away at the trigger or stressor until it no longer evokes any kind of response. Physiological or mental/emotional.
- Consciously triggering myself because unconsciously I’m trying to work myself up/spin out/lose control. Not really any different from picking a fight, getting wasted, or any other unhealthy coping mechanism. WHY I’m tying to spin myself up? Also varies. A lot of the time it’s the whole rage trumps despair, thing. Other times I just want to feel justified in treating the people around me like shit, or blowing off something I really dont want to do, but don’t have the balls to just call it. Sometimes it’s for the distraction. Very often it’s because I need a break from my emotions, and ramping up high enough & hard enough is an easy way to have them just shut off. Sometimes I’m just avoiding sleep, or the opposite, needing desperately TO sleep, and banking on the adrenaline crash. As well as a not short list of other things.

Parsing out what benefits I’m reaping (cui bono?) from what I’m doing will let me both reverse engineer that shit... as well as give me a whoooole lot of better options, if I’m doing it as a f*cked up coping mechanism, rather than as a function of personality, or as a way to gain more control over my life.

Then, in my experience, that’s probably why... or at least a large part of why.
The re enactment. It’s pleasurable. Plus I want to be punished. I feel dumb this has been staring me in the face and maybe that’s dissociative blindness? Hope so. If I go in and talk about this with the therapist this week, I’ll get a star on my forehead. I like the blue ones. That’s not to say I’ll stop doing it. On whatever level, it’s working still. I’m always having big realizations.

Something happened to me yesterday that was or would have been a really bad trigger and afterward I thought, did I just walk right into that, or even cause it?

I don’t know the answer. But it didn’t bother me that much. I felt foolish for wanting to be triggered.
 
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