Why Does It Take Losing My Family Before I Finally Get That Wake Up Call ??

[Kissing My Teeth]

I'm still Kissing My Teeth, shaking my head in disbelief just thinking about and trying to make sense of it all...
PTSD???

Or is this, could this, really be that I am an egotistical, self centered, violent, no good for nothing, ticking time bomb loser that is only capable of administering and inflicting pain, suffering, hurt and drama to Everyone around me with no regard of consequences?

As a recently diagnosed PTSD sufferer, a father, and a husband, I've single handedly destroyed my family and marriage. I really had no complaints of my wife contrary to what schupidness came out of my mouth during an "episode". She's always been there bending over backwards for me all the time. Accepting, coping and understanding my PTSD.

After enduring a lot of verbally abusive fights and break ups, we decided to see a psychologist, of course against my willingness to follow through with this, but our relationship was at stake and we needed to find the root cause of the fights. It was diagnosed that most of it was me, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Everything started to make sense now, because the person that I had become, is completely and totally different from the person I was. My wife and family not to mention recovery of myself was priority, so swallowing whatever pride I thought I had to not going to start seeing a "shrink" meant nothing to me at all.

Things eventually started getting better, looking brighter, I was for the most part starting to be able to detect triggers and react accordingly. Isolating and withdrawing myself on my own, without incidents ,was more and more frequent. Break ups and verbal abuse was less too. Mind you, not completely diminished ... We still had a lot of fights, just not as much, or intense.

We decided to get married and have a child together, all while still coping and dealing with PTSD episodes.


A few months ago, I had a surgery that left me dependent on heavy narcotic medications, which incidentally, I don't like to take because mixing that with PTSD is definitely not a favorable cocktail. Long story short, I ended up having to start taking the meds again as a result of excruciating pain. Which the side effects mixed in with the PTSD spelled disaster and chaos. I felt it coming, even warned everyone, made arrangements to get out the house and stay at moms.... I just didn't get out of there fast enough :-( :-(

For her, that last episode was the last straw, most likely a few straws over due. The worst part of the whole scenario is, I don't remember any of what I was accused of doing or saying. But I apparently pulled down a shelf and bulldozed everything in my path and threatened to kill her and not to mention a divorce ?

I don't blame her or anyone in that situation for calling police and securing her safety regardless if the threats are to believed to be true or not. My wife or any supporter shouldn't have to go through that. I worry about my wife and our children and the stress and heartache that I have imposed on them and their life.

I really really miss them and wished that none of this had happened. I hate myself and feel so horrible about everything and all the relationships that it has ruined, not only between her and myself, but with our children, families, friends, everyone is involved :-(

I have come to terms accepting and really am ok that our relationship is over, as I do hope and believe that she will end up with someone that can truly make her happy as I can not. What I'm struggling with is not the fact that she wants nothing to do with me, but it restricts me from seeing our children. I just want an amicable friendship at the very least for the sake of our friendship. However, I can understand her fears of safety from someone threatening to kill her.

Since then, I have been reinstated with my psychologist,
(We had a 2month stretch of no sessions as a result of her and a surgery) still on going with programs, forums and peer support groups too. But none of which made such any significant difference or pose a wake up call or reality check like being forced away from my family did !

I am extremely remorseful, hurt, disheveled, lost and embarrassed but a little too late to realize that now.
However, this is the first time that I have actually felt anything in way of apologetic ??

My question is why is it that us sufferers don't fu--ing get it until we've lost it? Why is it that we all say the same hurtful sh-t and always threaten with the break ups? Why is it that we are unable to have feelings?
I'm sorry to say, but Im a big and tough intimidating looking guy but I want to have those feelings, I want to be able to express those feeling too....

I would give everything I ever had and everything that I ever will, to just be able to look into my wife's eyes, tell her I love her like I mean it with feelings, heart and emotion, even a fu--ing tear of joy or sadness in my eye, wrap my arms around her, let her head bury into my shoulder and emotionally feel, share and support each other's grief knowing that from here on in, everything is going to be alright.

Why is that we only feel that AFTER the fact? Then in most cases, not even 1week later, we find ourself in that exact same fu--ing situation? It came to a point that I didn't want to apologize anymore. Not because I wasn't sorry, of course I was, but because I felt like a failure yet again. It was just a matter of time before it happened again and I had no control over it :-(

But now, after being away from my family, unfortunately, but proactively, feels different!
I feel as if it was the wake up call that I much much much needed for my recovery !!!
I just want a chance to prove it now, although as wrong as I can be .....

Really? What do I, or my family have to lose ..... NO?

 

[nursenurse]

You possess a lot of insight, so refreshing to hear. I am sorry that your relationship is damaged beyond repair, but remember, you are doing this for you, no one else. All of us on this earth need to bee the best we can be Sometimes it takes that kind of a wake up call known as hitting rock bottom, before we can peel through the layers and work on ourselves, it doesn't matter whether you have PTSD or not. However, it is especially true of PTSD that many sufferers are practically through the bottom of that barrel before they look up and see the light at the top.

As supporters, we can only take so much, we can only turn that cheek so many times. When violence threatens, or our own psyches have not been treasured as they should have been, we sadly turn away out of survival. There are only so many times one can forgive in life.

I commend you for working on yourself, for finding the good beneath the outbursts.But you may just have to move on. I don't know what the legalities are where you live, but you may be able to gain some supervised access with your children once you have been n recovery for awhile, your lawyer would be the best one to talk to.

Your wife doesn't owe you another chance, I know you see that. But that doesn't mean you should not keep on trying to be the best you can be. For yourself, because you are worth it.

 

[Kissing My Teeth]

@ nursenurse Yes, you may be right.

I actually was grateful for my wife's support, not a lot of supporters are strong enough to turn that cheek so many times.
So for that I was blessed and fortunate.

Thank you for the positive influence and inspiration to continue working on myself. I know that my wife is not obligated or owes me another chance, I really am ok with that. On that flip side, I'm actually now starting to feel really weird feelings, feelings like I've never felt in the last longest while? It's like I have regret and remorse and feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I feel disgraced to see my wife and my children? I feel like I failed and let them down? It feels like they were my team coaching and training me a whole life time for a fight and I lost by knockout in the first round?

So, needless to say, I finally had my wake up call, but now scared to test it?

 

[bell]

@Kissing My Teeth, PTSD is at its core overwhelming, because we've kept feelings and emotions under tight wraps for so long. When we're uncontrolled/not going to therapy, they leak out in very negative ways, which you describe above and, unfortunately for our relationships, are not very attractive. However, once we go to therapy, we learn how to better control them over time, so that when we feel them they are less aggressive and scary (although I'm sorry, they're still scary for awhile as we learn to regulate/control them).

It sounds like you have had enough therapy to begin feeling again, yet not enough so that they stop feeling so scary. Therefore, commend yourself for taking control of this hideous disorder and keep going to therapy and getting better. Another fun thing about therapy? As you relive things and go over them, things get worse before they get better. But, I promise you, *they do get better,* as long as you stick with it. (The problem is sticking with it!)

As they say in AA, keep going "one day at a time" and see how you improve and get better slowly, but surely. With improvement, perhaps your relationship with your family will improve as well, especially as you show them that you are serious about getting help and getting better. It's a rough road (one that I've been on myself, although I am single), but one that you can walk, fight for, and win.

 

[nursenurse]

That is the proof in the pudding, that you stay on the healing path and continue to work on yourself regardless of who is in your life or not. I don't know how long you have been working on yourself, how long you have been away from your family for, but it took years for you to get to the bottom, so a quick fix is not what anyone will be looking for, but a genuine life long commitment. That will take some time to prove. Of course you may have setbacks, but you have to realize that getting well and feeling well yourself is the most important thing in the world, and your only goal right now. The rest will come. Hopefully a relationship with your kids. What a great example you could show them of how human beings can climb up from the face of adversity, what can happen when people learn to love themselves once again. Only good can come of this if you continue, no guarantees of where you will see that good, because I can't tell you how the kids and the wife will react in the years to come. But you need to be able to sleep with the good person that is underneath all of that hurt. And that will be the best feeling in the world.

 

[Sandi79]

Speaking as someone who is in your wife's position in a similiar situation, she hasn't given up on you. At some point, significant others of sufferers wonder is it the PTSD or does he/she just no longer love me?
I would give anything for my boyfriend to walk in the door and just hug me. I would forgive every single thing he has done. Knowing he will do it all over again. But I know he won't be coming in that door because he's trying to save me from him.
She loves you. She would probably forgive you. But that means you need to go to her and tell her you need her, and I know that is the most difficult thing right now

 

[nursenurse]

Sandi, I would caution against false hopes. Sufferers need to keep on working on themselves, regardless of who is out there. Some of us have had enough, regardless of how much love there is/was. It does not conquer all.. Especially when violence and death threats were used. You cannot make assumptions about how another supporter would feel because each situation is different. And if you aren't in therapy yourself, you should be. Why you would want to continue in the merry go round without your sufferer seeking help is beyond me. You get to a point where forgiveness may be possible, but that doesn't mean you should place yourself back in the situation. Be careful for yourself, and seek some help.

KMT, I don't mean to rain on hopes and feelings. I just want you to know who the most important person is here, and that is you, regardless of who you have hurt and left behind. All you can do is work on yourself, love yourself, and maybe someday have a good relationship with the kids. But you cannot expect her to take you back with open arms. If she does someday, bonus. If you end up with a working relationship because of the kids, bonus. If you end up with yourself only, in a healthier frame of mind and able to appreciate yourself and make a good life for yourself, bonus, and as such, is the primary goal. You need to love yourself again. You are loveable, and you are worth it.

 

[Sandi79]

I continue to do it because I love him and he deserves someone to love him, flaws and all. I love him unconditionally. PTSD or not.

 

[nursenurse]

So said we all. It isn't enough.

 

[bell]

Sadly, with PTSD, sometimes love really isn't enough. It takes more work than you can ever imagine. Is it worth the work? Yes! But, unfortunately "the work" means going through hell to get there. I've been on both sides of this fence, and thought I had enough love to give (as a supporter) and for myself (as a sufferer). I was wrong. On both accounts. I have an infinite amount of love, but needed to be able to give it to myself first and foremost, because only I am in control of my actions.

Only years down the therapy road later do things look brighter, and I'm so glad I went ahead and through the therapy. Know I know I'm worth it, and if you do the same, I bet you will know you're worth it, too.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I love him unconditionally. PTSD or not.

It isn't enough.

Agreed. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/#post-135618

 

[scout86]

My therapist tells me that I should avoid questions that begin with "Why..?" He says I can ask HIM why, if I want to. He told me, in response to a direct question (which no doubt says a lot about my "people skills"), that it's better not to ask other people "Why" because it often comes across as argumentative. And, he says he definitely thinks I shouldn't ask MYSELF "Why..?" because usually the question doesn't actually have an answer. Your question is pretty much in that category.

Other words he suggests being careful with are "always" and "never". Because usually they aren't accurately used.

KMT, welcome to the forum. I wish it was under happier circumstances! There was another post on here the other day with a story almost exactly like yours, so apparently at least it's not "just you". This place has been really helpful to me. I hope you find it to be the same.