Relationship Why I Choose To Stay...

[JM318]

Yes, my partner never communicates to me that she's about to isolate either, but just like you, I've learn...

I recognize when he is having symptoms, but normally (since we are semi-new to PTSD) I almost relate it to the other 2 breakups we've had in the past, back when we weren't aware of the PTSD. So I usually get worried it's something I've done when he starts isolating. I'll ask him if he's okay, or text him more often. I can feel him detaching and I try to get closer. I always forget that it's not me personally. But he does say that I'm overwhelming. I really don't think I'm anymore overwhelming than a normal girlfriend. And he tends to only tell me that when he is having symptoms. Other times I'll ask him if he's got anything he wants to talk about (since we were taking things slow this time we made a point to talk about things more openly) and he said he was very happy and no complaints.

So Its not until after the fact something bad happens - like a breakup, or this time a breakdown that I realize it's not me at all and I wish I would've reacted better. From now on, if we do end up working things out, if I notice he is isolating, what should I do? Voluntarily tell him I can tell he's not feeling right and I'm gonna back off a bit and step out of the picture? Eventually, I'd like to set boundaries and tell him if we are committing to this relationship, I can't keep doing this isolation for months on end, I'll give him space but I can't do it like this time around- no contact for a month.... Any advice?

 

[Endure]

I recognize when he is having symptoms, but normally (since we are semi-new to PTSD) I almost relate it t...

Yes! We are all acting like a normal girlfriend and need to remember that! Mine used the word "overreacting" and "smothering" instead of overwhelming. I also remember using the term "walking on eggshells" with him after his first episode. He kept telling me he didn't want me to feel that way, but I had no idea what was still to come! Trying not to beat myself up with blame has been the hardest thing for me to overcome.

I know there's a few of us here going through the same thing, and we've learned so much. I hope we get that second chance to put it all into practice. I wish I had known about this page from the beginning, but he became symptomatic so quickly that I didn't know what was happening! If he does come back I will have the boundary talk first thing. I agree that if months become a regular thing, that is not acceptable. Unfortunately that could be my life if he comes back. He goes overseas for months at a time.

I keep hearing my counselor in my head "this was not a healthy relationship and I am capable and deserving of a healthy relationship." Today I opened back up my dating profile. I have to admit getting messages from available men has caused me to question why I fight for HIM. And it makes me think of how he left me and came back after his first episode. He was watching my activity on the dating site and when he contacted me he said "stop looking. I will be there for you. I will fight for us". What happened to that??? You know that Christina Aguilera song "Say Something"? I think it was written for all of us!

 

[JM318]

Yes! We are all acting like a normal girlfriend and need to remember that! Mine used the word "overreac...

Yeah A Great Big World, it gives me anxiety. I wont give up by Jason Mraz is my song to my veteran, every word is so on point.

 

[JT80]

But he does say that I'm overwhelming. I really don't think I'm anymore overwhelming than a normal girlfriend. And he tends to only tell me that when he is having symptoms.

I've heard the same thing from my partner and it's usually when she's about to shut down also. It's hard for me to say why things get said as they do in those moments because I'm not a sufferer. As a supporter, I just let it slide at that moment but will sometimes bring it back up in a non-confrontational manner if it's really affected me when she's feeling better. Usually she apologizes and says she didn't mean it. Sometimes she doesn't even remember saying it... but that's just my partner.

So Its not until after the fact something bad happens - like a breakup, or this time a breakdown that I realize it's not me at all and I wish I would've reacted better. From now on, if we do end up working things out, if I notice he is isolating, what should I do?

This happens a lot. There is no right way that I can offer you to handle a bad moment.... it'd be so much easier if there were a set of rules and instructions to follow, but there isn't unfortunately. It takes a lot of researching. It's a continual learning process that has no end. We, as supporters, will never fully understand what our sufferers are going through no matter how much we read about it. Another thing... PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. There's PTSD and then there's plain and simply being an ass. My partner has said to me herself, "I think that sometimes you blame my PTSD for what I'm saying or doing to you, but I'm actually really being an ass." So at least she's honest :P But, yeah, definite boundaries need to be established.

Voluntarily tell him I can tell he's not feeling right and I'm gonna back off a bit and step out of the picture?

I've done this also. Sometimes just the fact that I'm acknowledging my partner's imminent shut down sets her off into exactly that. She has told me that she feels like I think I know her better than she knows herself and finds it patronizing. I'm not saying that this won't work for you, all you can do is try. But in my situation I have found it made it worse.

She said to me once that she feels great embarrassment and shame in her behavior after she shuts down and isolates and I said to her, "Wouldn't it be better if you just pre-warned me when you sensed it coming on so then I could back off and give you the space you need and we can avoid the whole hurtful words and heartache?" and she said, "No, because as much as I hate knowing I'm going to hurt you by shutting down, I cannot expect you to be okay about having to back off and give me space either."

It's hard because everything I've said here is just purely based of my own situation and I can't say that what does or doesn't work for me will or won't work for anyone else. But I research my butt off and figure out what will work for me and my partner by constantly applying and adapting. Sometimes one thing will seem to work one day, but not the next. It's confusing and requires a lot of hard work for the both of you, but it's finding your own "happy medium", if that makes sense. I hope that helps.

 

[JT80]

I also remember using the term "walking on eggshells" with him after his first episode. He kept telling me he didn't want me to feel that way, but I had no idea what was still to come! Trying not to beat myself up with blame has been the hardest thing for me to overcome.

The first time I summoned the courage to stand up for myself early on in my relationship, she was hitting me with personal comments from all directions and I yelled back, "I will NOT be your emotional punching bag any longer!" and I stood up and walked out... Y'know, she still brings that moment up now and says she admires me for it. She said it made her feel 2 inches tall because it "snapped her back" and she realized just how badly she was hurting me, but she also realized that I was not going to be a push over or doormat for people at the same time. :angelic:

 

[JM318]

I've heard the same thing from my partner and it's usually when she's about to shut down also. It's hard f...

Thanks @JT yes it helps. I also do a lot of research and reading up on PTSD. That was a good point you made about always pointing fingers at the PTSD because sometimes he really is just an ass. I like to think the hurtful things he's said to me were just him lashing out because he's overwhelmed. Parts of me wonder if he really just doesn't want to be with me and that's why we've spiraled backwards so many times, but then I think back to all the good days we've had and not just the bad, and it just outweighs it by so much. I think that's what I hang onto and fight for.

 

[TerriB8511]

I so needed this thread in my life today. Love all the encouragement on this post. People don't understand what it takes to let someone go yet stay, and have NO concept of how emotionally draining it can be. BUT I will not give up. I love my vet and even though we aren't together right now, I will be there with him every step of the way. He needs space and he needs time. And hopefully out live will be enough to bring him back.

 

[JT80]

I like to think the hurtful things he's said to me were just him lashing out because he's overwhelmed.

This is spot on. It is our natural response as supporters to think like this when we're being barraged with hurtful things from our partners/sufferers. Their PTSD is always in the back of our minds and it's so easy to rationalize every bad moment as being just because of the PTSD. But, our partners are regular human beings with rational thought that can make their own decisions and we need to remember that not every argument is just the PTSD talking. They are very capable of being asses when they want to be just as we can also ;)

Parts of me wonder if he really just doesn't want to be with me and that's why we've spiraled backwards so many times,

This is a big issue of mine... My partner often says things to me like "I should just be single", "I should've realized I wasn't ready for a relationship" and "I never should have fallen in love with you" etc just before she is about to withdraw and isolate. Which, obviously, is going to make me feel like she's never going to come back to me and this time it's "for real" and she's just going to walk away and leave me heartbroken. I still remember the first time she said these things before a shut down and I fell to pieces, went and bought a bottle of whiskey and drank until I was sick (which I do not recommend :P)... then she came back and as much as I was confused, I felt like a complete idiot for falling apart like that. She still says these things now and it still hurts really badly, but I don't fall to pieces any more. Our partners are capable of making their own decisions and we must respect that. So even though my partner has said these things more times than I can count and has always returned to me thus far, I still must respect her decision to be single if that's really what she wants.

I brought this up in one of our deep conversations once and I told her that I hate it when she says these things to me. It feels like I was never a serious part of her life and everything that she's said to me about how she feels about me were all just words with no meaning behind them. Like I said in one of my previous posts, it makes me think, "How can she just switch off and walk away so easily if I did mean anything to her?" She let out a nervous/embarrassed little giggle and told me that she knows I hate it, but at that moment it is seriously how she feels. Since I spoke up about how it makes me feel, she doesn't say it as often, but I do still get them.

A way that she explained it is that she said some days she wakes up in the morning and thinks to herself, "I'm so in love and I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me so much. I feel like spending the whole day together at the beach, or taking a walk, or finding a quiet place along the lake to have a picnic. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. I'm just so happy with my life right now." She'll go to bed that night on a high after we've spent the whole day together being romantic and loving each other.... And then she will wake up the next morning and think, "I hate this world. I hope no one shows up to visit today. I don't even want to see J. Ugh, why am I even in love? I hate love!" and that's exactly how she feels. It's got nothing to do with me personally, but how she feels.

I think back to all the good days we've had and not just the bad, and it just outweighs it by so much. I think that's what I hang onto and fight for.

Exactly... in my situation, 3 to 7 days of bad is absolutely nothing to stress about in comparison to the good days we have in-between. Like I said in the first post, if the outcome outweighs the potential, then I owe it to myself to leave. But if the potential outweighs the outcome, I owe it to myself to fight for it with everything I've got.

People don't understand what it takes to let someone go yet stay, and have NO concept of how emotionally draining it can be.

People that are looking at the situation from the outside and not living it like you are have an extremely hard time understanding why we choose to stay. Early on, I would speak about things during the bad moments between me and my partner with less than a handful of my very close friends. I didn't understand what was happening and needed their support. They all reacted exactly the same way... "F-- her! Just leave!", "She's psycho!", "Run!" and then when I stayed, I'd get the whole "You deserve so much better than to be treated like that. You're such a sucker for punishment." It got to the point where I didn't want to talk to any of my friends or family about things because I'd hate the things they'd say about my partner. While I know they were protective of me and didn't like me being so confused and hurt, their comments weren't making me feel any better about the situation so I stopped talking to them about it. I felt bad anyway for dragging them into my crap knowing that it'd all be ok in a few days anyway. However, I need to talk. I cannot go through all of this and keep it all inside because I will either 1. Go crazy. 2. End up resenting my partner, or 3. Lash out. I just wanted someone to just listen and stay supportive without judging me or my partner. One of my best friends is very calm, quiet and accepting by nature and I found that she was the best person to talk to about things. She doesn't immediately turn into my guard dog, she understands that I'm capable of making my own decisions, she knows I'd never talk badly about my partner and don't appreciate hearing it from others so she doesn't talk badly about her either. I'm lucky I have that friend there for me.

I will be there with him every step of the way. He needs space and he needs time. And hopefully out live will be enough to bring him back.

I tell myself this same thing every single time I'm being withdrawn from with no contact :)

 

[TerriB8511]

Thank you! I'm so glad I found people who understand. It makes this more bearable. And I realize that with faith and support I can do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think everyone is different, but hopefully your partners are cognizant of not wanting to cause you harm or grief. In that way however, I think it's not workable if the sufferer feels too broken/ incapable, especially if the partner sees them as the only cause of difficulties too, +/or fears the other person is being harmed, +/or it's not a free choice (obligation vs choice), But, if the partner does not feel that way, with trust, time & trying it might be overcome.