Gentle_GIant
New Here
I served in the military for 6 years, but did not deploy anywhere outside the continental united states. I won't get into that any further because I would prefer to remain politically neutral here.
For the past 3 1/2 years I've kept myself single or avoided significant intimate encounters because I simply didn't feel anything with anyone other than a desire to satisfy bodily urges.
That all changed almost overnight when I started talking to probably the most amazing woman I've ever had the honor and privilege of speaking to and getting to know. She served as a medic in Iraq, and has a very long history of let downs, hard times, and horrible experiences. She says she was never raped or assaulted, but I think that would only be a small grain on top of the mountain she's having to bear anyway.
I moved to the state she lives in to be with her last week, and we crashed into one another and it was fierce love for the first few days. I know it's not just physical arousal either, because I've never had this feeling in my chest with anyone I've been with before, "in love" or otherwise. It simply has never been there before, ever.
I've lived with vets who have PTSD before but was never intimate with any of them in any way. Her symptoms began showing themselves about three days ago and the chasm has grown between us. It's not a hateful chasm, but the sudden switching off of emotion and physical contact felt kind of like taking the rails out from under a bullet train. At first I thought maybe I was pushing too hard, or maybe this or maybe that, and in a way that is the case. I'm partly to blame because I didn't fully research PTSD and/or how to be around someone who's having symptoms, if there are even any kind of books for that.
The other thing is she has such an incredibly high threshold for pain that it's very difficult to tell where she's at. The only indicator I've had is noticing the sparkle disappearing from her beautiful brown eyes, and there's a kind of blackness there.
She's been getting the help she needs, is on several meds, has a support network, and everything else. She's VERY proactive in getting the help she needs and has a very high self-awareness of her symptoms and everything else.
I'm writing this because I still love her deeply, and want to be a positive source in her life. I feel like I'm learning how to walk, but I'm not scared and am willing to make sacrifices in my life in order to be that positive force for her. I don't expect to be Superman and/or be the ONE THING that makes it all better, I know that's not possible. But the fact that after all she's been through, there was that moment where we were just us and our hearts were one, gives me hope that it can be that way, even during the times she wants to be alone and not touched or spoken to.
We've reached an understanding and unfortunately she had to explain the limits of our relationship while in the midst of her symptoms, but I'm catching on pretty quick and fully intend to learn as much as I can so that when things get to where they are it won't be a shock and/or something where she'll have to set her demons aside to assuage my feelings...
Reading the posts on here has been a big help too, and I appreciate everyone's input in advance.
For the past 3 1/2 years I've kept myself single or avoided significant intimate encounters because I simply didn't feel anything with anyone other than a desire to satisfy bodily urges.
That all changed almost overnight when I started talking to probably the most amazing woman I've ever had the honor and privilege of speaking to and getting to know. She served as a medic in Iraq, and has a very long history of let downs, hard times, and horrible experiences. She says she was never raped or assaulted, but I think that would only be a small grain on top of the mountain she's having to bear anyway.
I moved to the state she lives in to be with her last week, and we crashed into one another and it was fierce love for the first few days. I know it's not just physical arousal either, because I've never had this feeling in my chest with anyone I've been with before, "in love" or otherwise. It simply has never been there before, ever.
I've lived with vets who have PTSD before but was never intimate with any of them in any way. Her symptoms began showing themselves about three days ago and the chasm has grown between us. It's not a hateful chasm, but the sudden switching off of emotion and physical contact felt kind of like taking the rails out from under a bullet train. At first I thought maybe I was pushing too hard, or maybe this or maybe that, and in a way that is the case. I'm partly to blame because I didn't fully research PTSD and/or how to be around someone who's having symptoms, if there are even any kind of books for that.
The other thing is she has such an incredibly high threshold for pain that it's very difficult to tell where she's at. The only indicator I've had is noticing the sparkle disappearing from her beautiful brown eyes, and there's a kind of blackness there.
She's been getting the help she needs, is on several meds, has a support network, and everything else. She's VERY proactive in getting the help she needs and has a very high self-awareness of her symptoms and everything else.
I'm writing this because I still love her deeply, and want to be a positive source in her life. I feel like I'm learning how to walk, but I'm not scared and am willing to make sacrifices in my life in order to be that positive force for her. I don't expect to be Superman and/or be the ONE THING that makes it all better, I know that's not possible. But the fact that after all she's been through, there was that moment where we were just us and our hearts were one, gives me hope that it can be that way, even during the times she wants to be alone and not touched or spoken to.
We've reached an understanding and unfortunately she had to explain the limits of our relationship while in the midst of her symptoms, but I'm catching on pretty quick and fully intend to learn as much as I can so that when things get to where they are it won't be a shock and/or something where she'll have to set her demons aside to assuage my feelings...
Reading the posts on here has been a big help too, and I appreciate everyone's input in advance.
