Relationship Why Is He Angry?

[Wornout]

So I have posted another thread about how my Marine shut down on me and we haven't spoken in 2 weeks.

I finally saw him yesterday for the first time since we haven't spoken, and he would look at me but then look away. And all night long I kept seeing him look at me, but he looked at me with such anger. I have no idea why he's so angry or why he would be angry. He's the one that left me, stopped talking to me. I literally have not done a thing to that boy. Is there anyone out there who can help me understand why he's acting the way he is. He was so cold and so angry. I just don't understand. And I don't want it to, but it makes me angry. Because he's the one that hurt me. He's the one that pushed me away when I was always there for him and supported him no matter what. Ugh I don't know what is happening....

 

[amethist]

They sometimes won't admit they were in the wrong, so turn it round on us. Its hard to except and see it rationally, but that is the way it is sometimes.

They can also feel angry about what is going on in their heads, but instead of dealing with it, they project it onto us.

Set your boundaries and don't let him do that to you, tell him as calmly as you can that he has to deal with his own anger and not take it out on you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sometimes anger isn't really anger. Well, it IS but it also ISN'T! Anger is sometimes an easier emotion to display. Instead of the actual emotion coming through (which may be sadness, regret, disappointment, etc), anger comes out instead. Why does this happen? Well those other emotions don't feel as safe. Anger feels a bit more safe.

Maybe this is what's happening to your guy? I know it's happened to me. (I am a sufferer.) I'm not giving him any excuses, rather suggesting that he may be struggling with emotions and instead of showing how he really feels, it comes out as anger.

I wish you the best.

 

[Wornout]

I'm gonna guess that, that's the reason why, because I can honestly say I haven't done one thing to him. I haven't even yelled at him for any of this. As much as I have wanted to call/text and just yell and express how I'm feeling, I haven't.

Anger has always been something that has been easy for him to show. He would sometimes have outbursts via texts about not feeling normal and feeling f***ed up from being in the Marines and the things he's done. But the only time that he expresses his anger is texting. He has never blown up face to face. Or been mean to me actually. He's never said anything hurtful to me. Like I said we've never even been in a fight before. That's why when all of this happened I didn't know what to do with myself.

Being in a suffers standpoint do you think he will ever get over the anger? Or even want to talk to me again? Or do you think that he will remain this way to avoid being attached again and being vulnerable?

 

[Lucille]

Hi Wornout,

Another sufferer here. I definitely agree with scaredoflonely on this one. Anger was my number one defense mechanism when I was in the worst of my PTSD suffering. I hid every emotion in anger. So much pain and fear is too much for the body to handle. We try to keep it in, try to keep the thoughts at bay, but it just bursts out in every part of our lives. At the drop of a hat, I would start to scream and pretend I was angry about small things, when really I was wrestling with my own demons.

I can't promise your guy will get better because it takes an awful lot of hard work to get through it. But I can promise there is hope. If he gets the proper support and therapy (and medications if his symptoms require that), he will work through it. It just takes a lot of time and dedication.

Another thing I'd point out from experience is the thing you said about him just looking away from you. In one of my past relationships, I did this all the time. I was so afraid that my boyfriend would look into my eyes and see the true depth of my sorrow. I didn't feel like I had control over my face anymore, and a lot of people say your eyes bear the story of your soul. I was worried that everyone could tell I had PTSD just by looking at me. So it's actually a pretty natural progression -- when there's so much turmoil going on inside of you to be afraid to let someone see that part of you. You look away to protect yourself and to protect the other person from having to bear the burden of your troubles... Not sure if I explained that clearly enough, but hopefully you get the picture

 

[Wornout]

I just hope he gets help. I can move on if I have to and be happy one day, but of he doesn't get help and continues on this way, he will never truly be happy. He will keep pushing out the people who cares and loves him the most.

It just makes it worse because I really do feel like he will never talk to me again. And it kills me how it happened all at once and so fast. And closure is a big thing with me and the fact that I didn't get it, makes it harder to move on, but I'm trying. One day at a time. =)

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm a sufferer too. And I believe in being direct so I say ask him. I wouldn't suggest being angry at the time. Just flatly factually ask the pointed question regarding his anger. Be honest and tell him you're confused. You can speculate and feel bad for a long time until you ask.

He's either going to tell you or he's not. Being open is like being vulnerable and based on personal experiences that's NOT easy. So don't accuse or blame or yell or be defensive. He's the one who can answer you if he's even aware of the source of his anger. All I know is guessing will just keep you turning in circles. And while it's important to be supportive and patient it's really important to take care of yourself too. I hope you get it all worked out soon :).

 

[Wornout]

That's seriously how I feel. Like I'm going in one big circle. I keep trying to figure out why, but I won't know until I ask. I just feel like when I ask he won't answer. He won't talk to me so I feel like its useless to even ask. I'm also scared of the answer I'll get too. But if you think I should ask then I will.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You have to do what's right for you. Even if that means you disagree with me and you do something different. I just know that without an answer you're probably going to keep guessing. He might not be able to explain his anger if he's not sure where it's coming from himself. But by asking you have the opportunity for him to maybe give you some insight.

 

[lana<3]

My ex did the exact same thing to me! When I finally saw him I touched his hair and his eyes got watery but then became really angry

 

[Wornout]

I don't know if it's them getting angry at themselves for feeling what they feel or what. But it's sad and I wish I could help him but I can only do so much. The rest is up to him. It hurts every time I see him but I know he needs to work on himself and get his life in order before anything else. Keep your head up. If it's meant to be it'll happen. :)

 

[Try]

I understand what you're going through, the only emotion my now ex has shown me over the past five weeks is anger. Usually in message format be it text or email.

We've been together off and on for three years and when we get close he finds fault in the slightest thing and gets angry and ends it. Most recently this past week. He refuses to get help and an ongoing illness in his close family means he's more in edge than ever.

There is no easy way to deal with someone like it and I let him have his outbursts then a few days later he calms down. The question is how long do you continue it and at what point are you fostering their behaviours?