Why Is It So Hard?

[OKRADLAK]

Just got back from T. I do not understand why it has to be so hard.

My T is very kind and trying to help so much, but there is a complication that is getting in the way.

When I got PTSD there was a medical Dr, Dr X., who treated me ---he was negligent and let the case slide----it is a long story, but the Dr is part of my trauma because he was so negligent that it lead to a psychotic break on my part. It was so obvious that his own nurse almost reported him but of course did not.

I was so destroyed I went psychotic and did not leave my home for almost a year, other than food at night. Ruined! If I even hear his name I still feel sick.

Well, my therapist KNOWS THE DR! It is a small town. Everyone knows and loves the Dr. I am the ONLY one this dr has ever screwed. The Dr is on education boards, political forums, religious boards,etc and EVERYONE LOVES HIM!

So now I go and wonder, "Is she telling the Dr that i am here? Will she really believe me if she talks to the Dr? Should I drag in my own files? Can I just go on? What is in my file?? WHY DID THE DR DO THAT TO ME???" etc ad infinitum, nightmares, etc.

I know she is not supposed to talk, but people talk. It was a rather large case in my small town so though she did not know about it, she is friends with the Dr.

The problem is that she is actually helping me, which is hard to do because I have had this a long time. She is focused and kind, but my paranoia which is partially justified is now starting to get in the way.

Has anyone else ever had anything like this or is this just something weird that happens to weird ol' me again? :eek:

 

[OKRADLAK]

Eeeck. No even one response? I guess it is rare to have this situation. I was hoping someone else could relate, but PTSD can be so bizarre and the situations that go into so bizarre that it is hard to process....

Well, I guess I will chalk this up to bold reason that has to make a choice here...

 

[BigBear]

Let's start with, we all have real issues here. On our bad days we can't even stand to look at the forum. It's just that sometimes we all have bad days at the same time.

Toward your issue, try to find small things to trust your T with. Find out if they can be trusted with the small things. Then you can move up by steps.

What happened to you won't be mitigated in a day. It will be a long process working out of it. So don't dash about. There's a reason that they call it building trust. It doesn't magically appear. You have to add one piece at a time.

Bear

 

[Mercy]

Okradlok,
I can hear your dismay at the situation you are in. Myself, I believe that therapists don't share information. As said above, trust building does take time. That means that a person has to put the time and effort needed to do the work with the T. She knows that trust building is a very important of therapy. I wonder, would you be comfortable asking her about how she keeps your work together confidential?

 

[ronin47]

I had a similar experience when I was in the psychiatric ward. I never really had a panic attack until after I was in the hospital. I was in there for two weeks and frankly it was starting to drive me crazy. One day I was so stressed and tense I swear I felt physical pressure in my head. Just my luck, I was paired with a nurse that day who was patronizing, egotistical, inconsiderate, self serving, insensitive, I could go on and on. It was because of her that the tension just snapped and I fell apart and just started sobbing and hyperventilating hysterically like I never had before in my life. I felt so out of control. Needless to say, she wasn't much help. She sat me down in an office and wanted me to talk about "when all of this started" for me. She basically wanted to have a full blown therapy session in the middle of my meltdown, but I couldn't hear half of what she was saying. I was consciouss of the fact that she was talking to me, but it was like she was speaking a different language, it just didn't register in my mind. That was just how bad my breakdown was.

But of course, when I complained about her to the other nurses and the doctor, they just defended their collegue.

Then of course a year or so later there was the woman who tried to force me to tell my mother that I was feeling suicidal. I was on the phone with her and the ultimatum she gave me was to go tell my mother I was feeling suicidal and give my mother the knives I was keeping in my room while she stayed on the phone and listened to make sure I said exactly what she wanted me to say, or she would have to have me put in a hospital.

I was able to talk my way out of it, but for the next few days I was a complete nervous wreck, jumping out of my skin every time I heard a car and just about having a heart attack every time I saw a fire and rescue vehicle. Because of that experience, it was a huge challenge for me to start therapy again. When I met with my first T after talking to her, I was sitting there in the waiting room afraid I was going to vomit because I was so nervous.

Needless to say, the next few Ts I had were male at my request.

IMHO, you should bring up your experience with that Dr. with your therapist. If this is really impeding your recovery, then you need to discuss it with someone. It sounds to me like putting your experience with the Dr behind you is going to be important to your healing process. Tell you therapist how your feeling and what you're worrying about. If nothing else, you will not have to keep wondering and second guessing. I can't do anything about what those nurses and doctors did to me now except try to move past it. Let your T help you with that. At least give yourself some peace of mind and talk about it with her.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you for the replies! I do appreciate the idea it is building trust. I will definately talk to her about this when I see her again and ask her about the HIPPA laws. She is kind, but it is hard to trust. When I am in this mood I see only the bad about a T.

I will bring this up and I will report back to here just to make sure I do not chicken out. I will stress about how to bring it up and what to say etc.

Ronin, that is AWFUL about the hospital. How can they be so insensitive at times? Burn out, maybe or maybe fear. It is very hard to be a broken soul but it is made much worse by the general harshness of many in this world!

 

[seedling]

My T was very clear about how he dealt with confidentiality early on. He explained that if he had to report something illegal or that I was going to hurt someone then that was what he was bound by law to do. He said that he would never discuss my situation with anyone using my name or exact details. He went on to explain that he might say "I'm seeing a woman who's son was almost killed," this would be to another T, not necessarily in casual conversation.

He also has told me bare bones details of some of his other patients to illustrate a point, to show me similarities to others with PTSD. I'm comfortable with him telling other patients or professionals the kind of details about my case that he has told me about others. His style is there for me to see, he is honest and open. I'm not in doubt what he might be saying about me to others.

Good luck on dealing with this situation. Maybe you could ask her specifically never to mention anything about you to Dr. X.

 

[AngelaMarie]

After my suicide attempt 5 years ago I was admitted to a hospital. The Dr. there would see us for 10 minutes every 3 weeks if we put our names on a schedule. I went to see him and he said to me he couldn't understand English. I tried to to have a conversation with him and he ignored me. I asked him where my file was he said he didn't understand what I was saying. So, the next time I went to see him I took a male nurse from my ward that spoke both languages. Guess what??? He spoke perfect english in front of the male nurse. I know what the abuse feels like. It's absolutely horrible! I want you to know you are not alone with this situation. It is so very, very hard to overcome. However, you can. Good luck!!!!

 

[anthony]

I have a different view here... if by your own admission this doctor is seen as a majority to be a quality physician, then why is it only you, again your admission, that seems to think otherwise?

PTSD comes with paranoia and psychotic episodes, moods, etc... it has nothing to do with believing. You want support to be believed, but are you looking at your own input into this from an unbiased viewpoint?

Why is it only you that seems to degrade the physician, yet you state others like him as a majority. So is it him, you or merely you both just clash? Is it simply nothing more than a disagreement and clash between you both by the sounds of it? Not every client is suited to a physician, vice versa, but that does not make either right or wrong about a specific instance, nor either ignorant or negligent.

You only present your side of things in this, wanting to be believed, but there is another side of this that is missing from this discussion. There are always two sides to any story!

 

[ronin47]

Every pancake has two sides, no matter how flat it is. But neither side negates the other, especially when it comes to emotions.

My PTSD came from child abuse. All of my parents, with the exception of my stepmother, endured abuse of their own in their childhoods, which was no doubt the objective explaination for their treatment of me. They are all, from what I've seen, well liked and respected by their peers. Does that "other side" of the story somehow erase my trauma and make what I had to endure any less wrong?

As I referenced above, the nurse who caused me to break down when I was in the psych ward was obviously respected by her co-workers, as was the nurse who tried to force me to disclose my suicidality to my mother. Does knowing that somehow undo the fact that what they did damaged my ability to trust mental health professionals, not to mention women in general?

Okradlak's experience with the doctor in question may very well have been unique, does that somehow make it less painful?

Definately not.

 

[anthony]

I am not at any point disregarding trauma... lets please leave that aspect out of this discussion, as that is not what I am stating.

Ronin, what you feel is what you feel, there is no right or wrong, but a nurse also has a duty of care, regardless what you think or feel, when it comes to suicidality. It is either you disclose it, or they MUST disclose it, under the law. Simple as that. That is the other side of the story in your example... the law! You can blame the mental health industry if you desire, but in your instance, if those mental health professionals didn't do their job, then they would be negligent.

Again, two sides to every story. You either accept they have a job to do and respect that job they must do, or you carry a hatred for the mental health industry, a distrust, whatever you have chosen, when in fact they were doing their job, nothing more, nothing less. You can blame all you want, but the simple facts are... your alive, so they did their job.

You may now think back... wow, I didn't want to die after all, but if mental health professionals didn't do their job, you wouldn't be sitting here right now, talking on this forum, you could be dead more than likely if you where just aloud to run freely being suicidal, without family knowing.

Mental health professionals have two choices with suicidal persons:

1. Lock them up until they are no longer suicidal (family are notified, police, etc), or
2. Inform family to keep a close watch on them, noting what to look for, without locking them up.

 

[anthony]

So now I go and wonder, "Is she telling the Dr that i am here?

Your therapist cannot just disclose your information to any old physician... they have confidentiality to conform with. If they breached this, you would have a case to have their license removed.

Saying that, confidentiality comes with clauses, being:

1. Supervisors are informed of important specifics often, or they can read your case file in a supervisory capacity.
2. Your therapist may need to seek more expert advice, so disclose limited specific information to obtain further information.
3. Legal requirements must be adhered under court order.
4. If suicidal / going to self harm, they have a legal requirement to contact immediate family / request psychiatric containment.
5. There are usually other caveats as well.

Saying that, just because your therapist knows the doctor, it does not mean they can disclose any information to them discussed in confidence, unless you have given consent specifically. A therapist, even when legally forced, will still inform you or MUST seek your consent to provide info to another physician, outside their immediate work supervision.