Why Is It So Hard?

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you, Anthony for that ----that is very clear and I will bring up those laws. I will try to stay calm and not get all accusive because the poor woman has done nothing yet.

I can't believe how much stress I am in just because she knows the other dr. My normal brain says, "sheesh!" But the part that was damaged by what she did that cannot be undone, well, that part says, " Oh my goodness NO! Way too close!! "

I feel very stupid to be so obsessed with it, but PTSD has this way of making things into huge mountains when they are involved in the trauma. That Dr is part of it.

I will try to make it through this week with sanity and approach her gently next time I go in.

 

[ronin47]

...a nurse also has a duty of care, regardless what you think or feel, when it comes to suicidality. It is either you disclose it, or they MUST disclose it, under the law. Simple as that. That is the other side of the story in your example... the law!

Oh, and trying to force me to tell my mother that I was feeling suicidal wasn't unethical at all? I thought there was also a law that requires professionals to protect the confidentiality of their clients. If a professional just makes the call and has me hospitalized, fair enough. If a professional calls my mother and tells her directly that they think I might be at risk, fine. But what she did by trying to intimidate me into telling my mother myself was unnecessary and just wrong. Trying to back me into a corner was not right.

She did not end up putting me in the hospital by the way, nor did I ever tell my mother about my suicidal thoughts. I'm sitting here talking to all of you but she had nothing to do with it. This was months after when I was put in the hospital the first time and had to contend with the other self centered nurse that I mentioned. I was able to get rid of her as we were only talking on the phone, I made all sorts of promises in exchange for her hanging up, none of which I followed through on of course.

Please don't put words in my mouth. I don't hate the mental health industry. If I dislike anything, it's nurses. In my exprience, they are self centered, egotistical, and apathetic. I work with an amazing team of mental health professionals now, none of which are nurses, all of which agree wholeheartedly with me that what those nurses did to me was unethical and harmful.

I don't think anybody was trying to demonize or attack the doctor Orkadlak was referencing. Orkadlak didn't give us the whole story about what happened, so I'm not going to make assumptions about anybody, only advise him on how to maximize his time with his current therapist.

 

[ronin47]

I can't believe how much stress I am in just because she knows the other dr. My normal brain says, "sheesh!" But the part that was damaged by what she did that cannot be undone, well, that part says, " Oh my goodness NO! Way too close!! "

Ah yes, that's a common experience. That was something that came up with my first real therapist a lot, the fact that my objective, intellectual self would tell me one thing, but the sensitive, traumatized part of me would say quite another. Come to think of it, I think that's a common experience even among people who haven't been traumatized, their logic and their feelings don't always agree, but the feelings tend to be stronger. It's like that saying, "The mind knows only what lies near the heart."

 

[ronin47]

You are making an awful lot of assumptions Anthony. I had not and still have not ever met that nurse face to face. The one and only time we talked was over the phone. I did not have any level of trust built with her and did not consider her a supporter, that had more to do with the fact that I lied to her than my maturity. I called her because I didn't have insurance and was trying to find someone to help me get Medicaid coupons so I could start counseling again and maybe get back on medications.

You don't know the kind of relationship I had with my mother and how it effected my ability to feel like I could openly communicate with her. It's hard to be open and honest with someone who's trampled all over your self esteem for almost your whole life. If I had told her, I have no reason to believe she would've done a darn thing about it.

You don't know the people I'm working with. You don't know if they've ever disagreed with more or challenged me (which they have plenty of times). I didn't make any progress in recovering from my trauma until after I started working with them. I made more progress in my first four months working with them than I had in my past four years of working with other counselors. That is why I give their words more credence. That is why they are the only ones I trust.

I appreciate your little pearls of wisdom, but there is nothing you can say that will convince me that what that woman did was in any way acceptable, primarily because I don't know you and you don't know me. Just because someone has an accredidation or degree in psychology or whatever, that, in my opinion, is no reason for me to trust them.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Anthony--

Yes, there is a lot more. He is a great phsycian. I do not change that. But he really messed up and that is what contributed to the PTSD. In fact, he almost got in trouble for what he did. I cannot go into detail because I am not allowed, but generally he is good and that is why I hired him to help me.

On the other hand, he may not be so good. He has someone who tweaks his image not unlike a politician, so who knows what he is like in his personal life?

But he messed up and knew it and there was no going back because of the way things were set up. What he did to try to fix it, when I was already going downhill, well......I can't go into every single detail. But I hope that is enough to show you the dynamics.

I assume he was overwhelmed and things devolved as they only can in situations that cause PTSD to make it unprocessable. I warned him it would get complicated but he did not understand because he had never been in a situation like this. He told me it was the most bizarre case he ever saw. I said "Well thanks for that bit of encouragement!" (sarcasm). He wanted it to go away. Well so did I.

I think it would have helped if he apologized. He never did.

 

[Mercy]

I can't believe how much stress I am in just because she knows the other dr. My normal brain says, "sheesh!" But the part that was damaged by what she did that cannot be undone, well, that part says, " Oh my goodness NO! Way too close!! "

I feel very stupid to be so obsessed with it, but PTSD has this way of making things into huge mountains when they are involved in the trauma. That Dr is part of it.

Okradlak,
You are so right about PTSD making huge impacts on everything we think about or experience. It magnifies any of our trauma related reactions/feelings.This does not make you stupid. It only shows some of your pain.

Hypervigilance is part of our saftey net, so having concerns about confidentiality is totally normal. However, for me, it was like having a big magnifying glass with which to examine every little thing. Metaphorically, there is a problem. As if I was out in the sun and focusing on a dry leaf, it could burn up before I had learned what I needed to know.

It's good that you can have a constructive dialog with yourself. That is a huge strength. Congradulations on being able to do that. ......Yeah, yeah, I know there is second guessing too BUT you still have the ability to reach for context and good content. I'm in awe.

 

[angel2write]

Yes, there is a lot more. He is a great phsycian. I do not change that. But he really messed up and that is what contributed to the PTSD. In fact, he almost got in trouble for what he did. I cannot go into detail because I am not allowed, but generally he is good and that is why I hired him to help me.

On the other hand, he may not be so good. He has someone who tweaks his image not unlike a politician, so who knows what he is like in his personal life?

I assume he was overwhelmed and things devolved as they only can in situations that cause PTSD to make it unprocessable. I warned him it would get complicated but he did not understand because he had never been in a situation like this. He told me it was the most bizarre case he ever saw. I said "Well thanks for that bit of encouragement!" (sarcasm). He wanted it to go away. Well so did I.

I think it would have helped if he apologized. He never did.

My thought when you were telling the story was... well, everyone makes mistakes. Even when they are generally very good at their job. And sometimes people make criminal mistakes that really hurt other people. I'm sorry you were hurt. Even if the doctor had wanted to apologize (which he may not have- not everyone wants to take responsibility for the harm they cause) the hospital could have prevented him. Just like you're not supposed to apologize for an auto accident. If you apologize, you accept fault in a legal sense. Giving you the apology you need might have laid him open to being sued. Hospital lawyers would never have let him do that.

Suicide & child abuse hotlines are only as good as the people who man them, who are only as good as their issues, temperament, sensitivity and mood will let them be. I've been helped by hotlines and hurt by them. Definitely NOT a good source of reliable support! I'm sorry you have a problem with nurses, though. Some of them can be such great people, so caring and invested in their jobs. Others are just slapping through the work any old way. Blah, blah, blah... another day dealing with wackos, another dollar. Those are the dangerous ones because their hardened hearts hurt us so badly.