Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Tinyflame]

I think relationships are what life is about, relationships to every thing and every one.

I do think 2 people have to both be very committed to have a great one. To ride out inevitable waves. I think there has to be something extraordinary, to have an extraordinary one.

I think that you have to be true to yourself.

 

[Butterfly64]

I think relationships are what life is about, relationships to every thing and every one.

I do think 2 people have to both be very committed to have a great one. To ride out inevitable waves. I think there has to be something extraordinary, to have an extraordinary one.

I think that you have to be true to yourself.

I agree...it takes a lot of commitment and he does not have the mental or physical energy for that. I have to keep my distance. We both need a long break from each other.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find (just speaking for myself) when it wasn't meant to be, in all honesty it showed. And ultimately, I was glad it wasn't meant to be. My only regret was shelving my heart. But it gave me a yardstick to compare the differences to what was more respectful, more loving.

 

[candor]

“Can I be relied on? Can I be accountable and self reflect when I hurt someone? Can I compromise? Can I control my rage? Can I stay consistent when I make a decision? Can I trust that others are not trying to hurt me? Can I stop the questions from flooding my head? “ And in worse case scenario: “Will someone call the police on me? Will I get kicked out of my home? Will someone take my kids from me?”

The fear of relationship is based on the fear of loosing control, focus and of failing at yet another thing: Love.
Love is suppose to make you feel good. But your brain goes “Nope, feel this instead”. Then when you try to make sense of it. You try to justify those feelings from your own perception of what is fair ... the logic in your head might sound off and the self doubt appears.

Relationship trauma is real and painful. It is not the same as attachment theory but it is most definately based on it as the sufferer relives all the buried childhood traumas from the past and can’t function in a healthy way. We don’t need to invite more of the same chaos into our lives nor do we need to give it to others.

So what can I do? As a sufferer, I keep a close eye on how my stress levels affect others and I keep people who stress me at a distance. I don’t blame other people for my relationship failures but I do acknowledge my own obssessive need to control my own quirky behaviours and to analyze in loops.

What I can do with people that say” I can’t “ to me is ask “So lets do something you can do. What would you like more of?” None of us can consistently deliver on romantic relationships. What we can do is to consistently practice so that we get better.

So I can’t control if someone who I think is yummy is constantly feeling yucky. I can’t force yummy or my idea of it on anyone. What I have somewhat achieved with a lot of hard work is “ I am still here, not going anywhere so what can we do that is yummy and not yucky?”

 

[Butterfly64]

“Can I be relied on? Can I be accountable and self reflect when I hurt someone? Can I compromise? Can I control my rage? Can I stay consistent when I make a decision? Can I trust that others are not trying to hurt me? Can I stop the questions from flooding my head? “ And in worse case scenario: “Will someone call the police on me? Will I get kicked out of my home? Will someone take my kids from me?”

The fear of relationship is based on the fear of loosing control, focus and of failing at yet another thing: Love.
Love is suppose to make you feel good. But your brain goes “Nope, feel this instead”. Then when you try to make sense of it. You try to justify those feelings from your own perception of what is fair ... the logic in your head might sound off and the self doubt appears.

Relationship trauma is real and painful. It is not the same as attachment theory but it is most definately based on it as the sufferer relives all the buried childhood traumas from the past and can’t function in a healthy way. We don’t need to invite more of the same chaos into our lives nor do we need to give it to others.

So what can I do? As a sufferer, I keep a close eye on how my stress levels affect others and I keep people who stress me at a distance. I don’t blame other people for my relationship failures but I do acknowledge my own obssessive need to control my own quirky behaviours and to analyze in loops.

What I can do with people that say” I can’t “ to me is ask “So lets do something you can do. What would you like more of?” None of us can consistently deliver on romantic relationships. What we can do is to consistently practice so that we get better.

So I can’t control if someone who I think is yummy is constantly feeling yucky. I can’t force yummy or my idea of it on anyone. What I have somewhat achieved with a lot of hard work is “ I am still here, not going anywhere so what can we do that is yummy and not yucky?”

Love this

 

[Starfish]

@Butterfly64 - I'm not so sure that relationships are scary for (some) sufferers... I've not encountered anyone that is so scared they have forgone a relationship on the sole basis that they have ptsd. There might be a cluster of reasons that a sufferer might decline to participate in a one on one, exclusive relationship - but not just because they are a ptsd sufferer.

To be frank, your post above is a rehash of several of your posts in other threads where you are exploring the dynamics of your former relationship with a ptsd sufferer. I'm not so sure your former bf is scared of relationships bc he has ptsd. He seems, from all that you have written, to be able to start and stop relationships. exclusive or otherwise, whenever he wants to and for a variety of reasons. And that is his prerogative by the way and it's also yours.

Your post above ^ is contradictory - you do but also don't want a relationship with him; you assess him as being not ready but maybe he is..now; and so on.... Incredibly destabilizing for you and perhaps not healthy either?

I was hoping that you were gaining some perspective on this bloke. I was hoping you would see that it's really not all about his ptsd?

Have you considered concentrating on those people that do love you, do care for you and are already part of your life... your mother for instance and your friends. They need you too and you need them.

Take care,

I cannot have relationships strictly because I have PTSD!

 

[Butterfly64]

I cannot have relationships strictly because I have PTSD!

That I have finally accepted regarding to my ex sufferer. It was a had lesson to learn! It took me 2,5 years. It must be extremely frustrating for sufferers to long to open up to a relationship....to let go of the fear and surrender. To be drawn to somebody....being caught between wanting to let them get close and at the same time wanting to run for the hills. It must be hell.

 

[candor]

@Butterfly How many times have we read on this forum that PTSD is very treatable? My guess is that way too many therapists do not have adequate training in treating Trauma and way too many sufferers have not been treated by a therapist that are properly trained. Not all sufferers are created equal. Some will heal faster in a relationship. Some won’t.

This article describes a book for CPTSD by a Dr Fisher. Imo, it should be read if possible by all sufferers to understand the newest reasearch on the topic. Even if you suffer from PTSD, you will benefit in knowing that there are more gentle approaches that helps unite that part of you that runs from that part that desires. Here’s the article: Complex Trauma: Dissociation, Fragmentation, and Self Understanding

I have learned to let go of the fear of never seeing someone again. I have learned to let go of the fear I use to feel when vicious and inhumane words were said to me. Only I choose to interpret and empower words. I have learned more about me than I ever thought possible by association to other sufferers. I healed. The moments of bliss may be shorter for a sufferer but I can only speak for myself and say that it is that state of bliss that felt like pure acceptance and love that pushed me to become a better version of myself. Its by loving and understanding every conflicting and contradictory part of me that I healed. I have met so many people that have healed and recovered. Interdependent relationships is unfortunately the ultimate test of the recovery process. “Loving what is” is the process imo and the only reality. You learn to shrug your shoulders and say “ pyt”.

 

[Tinyflame]

“Loving what is” is the process imo and the only reality. You learn to shrug your shoulders and say “ pyt”.

I think that's the requirement, along with mutual love, caring and respect, for all more fulfilling relationships. IMHO. Maybe not 'pfyt', exactly, but not expecting someone to be someone they aren't, but still care to try to fulfill each other's needs, or care what impacts on them. Respecting each other's needs and wounds.

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly How many times have we read on this forum that PTSD is very treatable? My guess is that way too many therapists do not have adequate training in treating Trauma and way too many sufferers have not been treated by a therapist that are properly trained. Not all sufferers are created equal. Some will heal faster in a relationship. Some won’t.

This article describes a book for CPTSD by a Dr Fisher. Imo, it should be read if possible by all sufferers to understand the newest reasearch on the topic. Even if you suffer from PTSD, you will benefit in knowing that there are more gentle approaches that helps unite that part of you that runs from that part that desires. Here’s the article: Complex Trauma: Dissociation, Fragmentation, and Self Understanding

I have learned to let go of the fear of never seeing someone again. I have learned to let go of the fear I use to feel when vicious and inhumane words were said to me. Only I choose to interpret and empower words. I have learned more about me than I ever thought possible by association to other sufferers. I healed. The moments of bliss may be shorter for a sufferer but I can only speak for myself and say that it is that state of bliss that felt like pure acceptance and love that pushed me to become a better version of myself. Its by loving and understanding every conflicting and contradictory part of me that I healed. I have met so many people that have healed and recovered. Interdependent relationships is unfortunately the ultimate test of the recovery process. “Loving what is” is the process imo and the only reality. You learn to shrug your shoulders and say “ pyt”.

I applaud you for it? As for my ex suffere...apparently he has accepted that he is broken...he wrote yesterday after I told him that we are done (once more); You are right, I cannot give you what you need and will never be able to. I am broken and my life will be one long solo march”. He is still not in therapy and is not open to it...he is very intelligent, used to work in family therapy and has helped a lot of people and yet he has accepted that he is broken and is not seeking help...that is his choice, but I just don’t get it! He spends his energy on all his friends and not on therapy....again his choice. This time I have told him that he can’t contact me again...I will contact him...maybe! I still have feelings for him, but I don’t like a lot about him...he is a drug and I am detoxing now... I tried for over two years I am done!

 

[Tinyflame]

My mom and dad were in that position once, she said she would have to leave. He got help. I asked him why it made a difference. He said because she had never said that before. She did not threaten, it was kind truth, and even then less for her benefit as the kids, and to maintain their view of him.

She meant it, but she also totally supported him, and he her, as he her. For them, it was about something much more different than chemistry, or habit, or addiction. (Even though they retained the chemistry to the end of their lives). It took a lot of self-sacrifice, boundaries, and maturity, tbh. And faith, in God and each other.

 

[candor]

Well I would switch places with you Butterfly if I could. Mine has made a major effort to be super nice this year but it went click for him when he got into a fight with his boss that resulted in dropping everyone in his 4 year network. After 4 months of no contact, I got him out of his shell. Two months of romance followed by the inevitable and heartbreaking abuse talk....and my heart no longer breaks... He is like the sun in Denmark..you enjoy it when its there and when it is not you adapt. Now he is back to black with no explanation and no way of knowing if this will be the final finale. I am not waiting, not done I am just here :-)