Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Butterfly64]

Please help me understand, why to some sufferers, relationship is so scary, that you avoid it? I understand when it somes to sexual abuse victims ofcourse.

 

[bellbird]

(For me) relationships are scary because suddenly this isn't just about one person, but about two. Which means two people I could potentially hurt, as opposed to just me.
And just because my life can be hard? Certainly doesn't mean I want to make someone else's.

I'd say they're also scary because of the associated responsibilities. Not necessarily meaning remaining faithful, but more that if I need to isolate and I happen to be missing family gatherings/holidays/planned dates, then that isn't going to make me feel good (when I get out of my isolation-centric thinking) or make my partner feel good.

The single-life assurance of isolation with no responsibilities or consequences can be a very comforting thing :)

 

[Butterfly64]

(For me) relationships are scary because suddenly this isn't just about one person, but about two. Which means two people I could potentially hurt, as opposed to just me.
And just because my life can be hard? Certainly doesn't mean I want to make someone else's.

I'd say they're also scary because of the associated responsibilities. Not necessarily meaning remaining faithful, but more that if I need to isolate and I happen to be missing family gatherings/holidays/planned dates, then that isn't going to make me feel good (when I get out of my isolation-centric thinking) or make my partner feel good.

The single-life assurance of isolation with no responsibilities or consequences can be a very comforting thing :)

Thank you for sharing bellbird ? My ex sufferer knows that the isolation part (he only isolates from me) is something I can handle...or rather, I am getting better at handling. He doesn’t isolate completely for a long time. He usually texts me after a couple of days...I think the longest period was a week or so. I left him in May, mainly because he can’t be intimate (kissing and cuddling) outside the bedroom and hardly in the bedroom. Intimacy for him equals relationship and that scares him. We have been together for over two years without any real intimacy. He has tried, but then pulls away claiming to be single, even though we have been exclusive...I am the only one he wants. He tried over the past three months to get back together numerous times, but I said no...not without intimacy. Each time he said, he can’t do that. It hurt to leave him, but I was slowly feeling better even though we saw each other for coffe a few times since I called it off. Last week I once again said no to him...not without intimacy. He then said, that he will spend some days figuring out, if he is ready for intimacy....not official relationship, but intimacy. He said, that now he was almost done fixing his house up, he was capable of making a decision whether he can do intimacy or not. If he can’t, then we are not to see each other for a long time, because if we do, we will spend the next 20 years with this off and on thing. For the first time, he admitted that he really wishes he could be intimate with me...kissing and cuddling. I guess that he won’t be able to do intimacy...to let me get that close to him and if he is able to, I am extremely torn between saying yes...taking a chance on him again...or run for the hills. I was moving on, I was feeling a bit better, not missing him like crazy the entire time, but I also have to admit that if I decide to move on, a part of me will regret, not staying if he is ready for intimacy...because I waited two years for that. Should he decide on intimacy, I am pretty confident that he is indeed ready for it and that he won’t change his mind after a couple of days. He stressed that he will only do intimacy, if he is ready....that he won’t just say yes, and then regret it shortly after. He has overcome a lot of really huge hurdles the past eight years and finally everything is falling into place for him....that is why he is more capable of making a decision now. He knows I am used to his push-pull, he knows I am on this Forum and I am educating myself on PTSD and that I can “handle him”. Part of me hopes he is finally ready...another part hopes he isn’t ?

 

[blackemerald1]

@Butterfly64 - I'm not so sure that relationships are scary for (some) sufferers... I've not encountered anyone that is so scared they have forgone a relationship on the sole basis that they have ptsd. There might be a cluster of reasons that a sufferer might decline to participate in a one on one, exclusive relationship - but not just because they are a ptsd sufferer.

To be frank, your post above is a rehash of several of your posts in other threads where you are exploring the dynamics of your former relationship with a ptsd sufferer. I'm not so sure your former bf is scared of relationships bc he has ptsd. He seems, from all that you have written, to be able to start and stop relationships. exclusive or otherwise, whenever he wants to and for a variety of reasons. And that is his prerogative by the way and it's also yours.

Your post above ^ is contradictory - you do but also don't want a relationship with him; you assess him as being not ready but maybe he is..now; and so on.... Incredibly destabilizing for you and perhaps not healthy either?

I was hoping that you were gaining some perspective on this bloke. I was hoping you would see that it's really not all about his ptsd?

Have you considered concentrating on those people that do love you, do care for you and are already part of your life... your mother for instance and your friends. They need you too and you need them.

Take care,

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64 - I'm not so sure that relationships are scary for (some) sufferers... I've not encountered anyone that is so scared they have forgone a relationship on the sole basis that they have ptsd. There might be a cluster of reasons that a sufferer might decline to participate in a one on one, exclusive relationship - but not just because they are a ptsd sufferer.

To be frank, your post above is a rehash of several of your posts in other threads where you are exploring the dynamics of your former relationship with a ptsd sufferer. I'm not so sure your former bf is scared of relationships bc he has ptsd. He seems, from all that you have written, to be able to start and stop relationships. exclusive or otherwise, whenever he wants to and for a variety of reasons. And that is his prerogative by the way and it's also yours.

Your post above ^ is contradictory - you do but also don't want a relationship with him; you assess him as being not ready but maybe he is..now; and so on.... Incredibly destabilizing for you and perhaps not healthy either?

I was hoping that you were gaining some perspective on this bloke. I was hoping you would see that it's really not all about his ptsd?

Have you considered concentrating on those people that do love you, do care for you and are already part of your life... your mother for instance and your friends. They need you too and you need them.

Take care,

Thanks for your input ? As I have mentioned before, we were friends for four years before getting involved and at that point he said, he was going to remain single...it was easier...no expectations etc. Him falling in love with me, was not something he planned to do and so he was torn between relationship and just remain friends. When he developed PTSD he was already in a relationship and when that one ended, he fell in love with me....so he has not entered into a relationship after he had PTSD. So...him being scared (his own words) of relationship and intimacy...because it leads to intimacy... is him having been in relationships that didn’t work out for one reason or the other and he has no energy for going through that again. CPTSD has
obviously not improved his look on relationships...he uses his energy on eating healthy, take his dog for walks and handles his constant pains. So I know it is not not all PTSD, but PTSD is definitely making it worse. Furthermore his mom left when he was six, so I suspect he could have abandonment issues.....scared I might leave him. And by the way...he has never said, that PTSD is the reason why he is scared of relationship...he has always said, that it is “the sum of his prior relationships prior to PTSD”, however he has also said, that PTSD has made it worse.

Yes my post clearly shows that I am torn between going full intimacy...if he can...or to continue to walk away. I stayed for so long because he was torn between relationship and running.
If he turns out to be ready for intimacy, it is a HUGE step for him and the only reason why he may be ready now is that all hurdles regarding early retirement (which took app. 5-6 years to obtain and stressed him out wildly), the settlement, deciding to move or stay, find a house, new furniture, moving, fixing the house...all have been crossed now. So if he is ready, I know he means it....that is not official relationship and that is actually OK by me....all I want to do, is spend quality time with him, kiss him, hug him.

If he is not ready, then it is not heartbreaking ...I will feel sad for a couple of hours, because I love him and he loves me, but then I will move on. I have actually spend a lot of time with my mom, my son and my friends and have gotten a lot better at staying busy, so please don’t worry about me. I am, and have always been strong ?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I applaud you for walking away. I'm glad all the hurdles are taken care of for now, but there are always more in life. I think, and this is just my opinion, that he would have to go through several years of therapy before he is comfortable with intimacy.

 

[Butterfly64]

I applaud you for walking away. I'm glad all the hurdles are taken care of for now, but there are always more in life. I think, and this is just my opinion, that he would have to go through several years of therapy before he is comfortable with intimacy.

Thanks ? There will be more hurdles for him, as he has mentioned a number of times. I don’t have a problem so much more with the isolating and he appreciates that I am educating myself on PTSD. Regarding therapy...he really needs that and he knows it. He has actually begone to open up about his PTSD and talk about it the last two months.
Since early retirement came about 1,5 years ago and the settlement a year ago, his PTSD has become more manageable...he knows that moving and fixing the house for seven months was not a smart move (that really took all his strength), but now it is done. I think that is why, he is now able to consider, if he can handle intimacy or not. When I walked away he was so used to me coming back and now that he knows that I am not...not without intimacy...he has to make a decision.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Good luck. I hope for the best outcome for you.

 

[Butterfly64]

Good luck. I hope for the best outcome for you.

Thank you ?

 

[grit]

PTSD or not, a lot of people find intimacy a challenge, difficult, absolutely unbearable etc. And they may 100% want it but cannot do it right and like puppy mill just keep repeating self sabotaging patterns. And there are people who love relationship and think they are good but also seem to attract the first one and wonder what is wrong.
So what is wrong is a unique combination of childhood experience, attachment upbringing, life experience, maturity, etc.
Hard to pinpoint.

In my opinion and from what I see on this site PTSD is not equal to always aversion to intimacy...in my opinion and experience, I actually find PTSD scree me over my own identity, ambition, and internal workings. Do again hard to pinpoint.

 

[Friday]

Whilst there are certainly trends for certain types of trauma? (Abuse victims not wanting to be hurt, vets not wanting to lose anyone else, investigators who are sick of being lied to, etc.?)

You also might want to take into account it’s actually more normal for most people to not want to get involved with someone -and instead just date casually, f*ck around, or be on their own for awhile... or some combo of those 3- following the end of a long term relationship, than it is for someone to seek out a new long term relationship. Especially when their last one had been bad for the last few years. Most people need a palate cleanser, &/or some time to find themselves again as an individual / outside of the demands of a relationship. Sure, serial monogamy -hopping from one long term relationship to the next, to the next, to the next- is common enough to have a name, but so is “rebound”.

 

[Innordinate]

Because of the expectation that my ability to connect with them would be the same ways that other people would be able to.

And the pressure to change into the person that they think i should be in the relationship. And how shitty it makes me feel when I can't reach their impossible expectations... (even though they think they're being completely reasonable)

Not worth it.