Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Tinyflame]

I have to say, I am thoroughly confused. :confused: If I don't get it, I don't know how partners could. I don't find that clear communication at all. It says to me, come back changed in to who I want you to be, and feel and behave how you should behave. But boundaries have nothing to do with the other person: they are your fence, so to speak.

I'm just venturing a guess @Butterfly64 , as I've said before... that you may think getting in to treatment will make everything better, and the dreams you planned come true? Treatment makes it worse, at least initially, then if you survive for some (many) it will be lifelong.

But more importantly, he's showing you what he wants- or doesn't. A man who comes to you to have sex (I don't know if you are or not) or on his terms, is very likely going to continue. And you are waiting for him to change in to who you thought he was, and perhaps likely isn't. Who cares if he is attractive? How attractive is that behaviour or mindset? (And it's ok if that is attractive to you. But it's also common).

Ptsd complicates a lot- but not everything.

I hope you can find what you want, also within yourself. Yes it's a lousy condition, but it's not a free pass that precludes commitment, kindness, respect or honesty. Or a lot of other things.

I wish you good luck.

 

[Butterfly64]

I have to say, I am thoroughly confused. :confused: If I don't get it, I don't know how partners could. I don't find that clear communication at all. It says to me, come back changed in to who I want you to be, and feel and behave how you should behave. But boundaries have nothing to do with the other person: they are your fence, so to speak.

I'm just venturing a guess @Butterfly64 , as I've said before... that you may think getting in to treatment will make everything better, and the dreams you planned come true? Treatment makes it worse, at least initially, then if you survive for some (many) it will be lifelong.

But more importantly, he's showing you what he wants- or doesn't. A man who comes to you to have sex (I don't know if you are or not) or on his terms, is very likely going to continue. And you are waiting for him to change in to who you thought he was, and perhaps likely isn't. Who cares if he is attractive? How attractive is that behaviour or mindset? (And it's ok if that is attractive to you. But it's also common).

Ptsd complicates a lot- but not everything.

I hope you can find what you want, also within yourself. Yes it's a lousy condition, but it's not a free pass that precludes commitment, kindness, respect or honesty. Or a lot of other things.

I wish you good luck.

Thank you I know that therapy will not work like a magic wand. It is his choice to seek therapy. If he does seek therapy he has to it for him...not for us or me.
Just ten days ago he said, that he longs to be able to be in a relationship with me, but he can’t. He wants intimacy and loves it, and was willing to give it his best shot...he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t pull away and then come back. I know it was the truth and that it was him fighting to keep us together. But I can’t do that anymore. I have distanced myself from him and I have nothing left to give. I don’t miss him anymore. It is time to take care of me now, fortunately I have some really good friends who are very supportive of me. These 2,5 years have been a learning experience......a really tough one, and I have gotten really good at spotting the red flags ?

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry it's been difficult @Butterfly64 , which is why a lot of people who feel like a burden don't want to put someone through that. :(

I don't understand the reference to 'red flags'- he sounds like he's being honest. (To me red flags are abuse, lying, cheating, etc etc).

Fwiw, all relationships will have problems, just different problems with different people. But you're right, it should be paramount that each person strives to help the other feel safe, secure, protected etc. I suppose making the other a priority, being concerned for their feelings, and being less selfish. But also, being loved as they are, or it's just loving an illusion that your own mind has created.

But you also reference giving all you can give, and I think if you're giving all you can give to try to engineer getting what you want, the focus is still on manipulating the situation to your liking, rather than working with what is there. (I don't mean that harshly at all- I just mean it's self-directed at getting what you want or feel you need. It really isn't about the other person. If it were about him, there would be joy in the giving, though perhaps fear for his health, etc. It sounds like you feel the relationship is unbalanced/ one-sided. I personally, don;t want to be in that kind of relationship, especially as the receiver. It signifies (to me) a sense I am defective, and the other feels superior, dissatisfied and unhappy. And is focused on trying to make me someone I'm not, and not looking at their own behaviour/ role in the relationship.)

It often takes a lot for a person with ptsd to trust someone. Not for all, mind you, but 2 years is not very much, and 6, well, it depends. (I would add a zero on the end of the 2! :( ) Which is why many people with ptsd in good conscience neither expect someone to see that as a worthwhile gamble, nor want to put someone through that. He's been honest. You can accept that (and him) and have joy, or you can say I need and want more. And examine whether your needs (leaving him out of the equation) are realistic or self-oriented. They have to be self-directed, as they are your needs, but if you can say anyone meeting them would suffice for you, then I wouldn't necessarily call this past relationship 'love'. Because with love you both work together with the realities you both bring forward in to the relationship, you want to mutually problem-solve, not turn the person in to someone else, or demand they be your version of themself- or that would be a clone (yuck). JMHO though, which really doesn't matter, because how I see or define life or love, or what my expectations are and what I'd do, will be different than your's.

 

[Butterfly64]

I'm sorry it's been difficult @Butterfly64 , which is why a lot of people who feel like a burden don't want to put someone through that. :(

I don't understand the reference to 'red flags'- he sounds like he's being honest. (To me red flags are abuse, lying, cheating, etc etc).

Fwiw, all relationships will have problems, just different problems with different people. But you're right, it should be paramount that each person strives to help the other feel safe, secure, protected etc. I suppose making the other a priority, being concerned for their feelings, and being less selfish. But also, being loved as they are, or it's just loving an illusion that your own mind has created.

But you also reference giving all you can give, and I think if you're giving all you can give to try to engineer getting what you want, the focus is still on manipulating the situation to your liking, rather than working with what is there. (I don't mean that harshly at all- I just mean it's self-directed at getting what you want or feel you need. It really isn't about the other person. If it were about him, there would be joy in the giving, though perhaps fear for his health, etc. It sounds like you feel the relationship is unbalanced/ one-sided. I personally, don;t want to be in that kind of relationship, especially as the receiver. It signifies (to me) a sense I am defective, and the other feels superior, dissatisfied and unhappy. And is focused on trying to make me someone I'm not, and not looking at their own behaviour/ role in the relationship.)

It often takes a lot for a person with ptsd to trust someone. Not for all, mind you, but 2 years is not very much, and 6, well, it depends. (I would add a zero on the end of the 2! :( ) Which is why many people with ptsd in good conscience neither expect someone to see that as a worthwhile gamble, nor want to put someone through that. He's been honest. You can accept that (and him) and have joy, or you can say I need and want more. And examine whether your needs (leaving him out of the equation) are realistic or self-oriented. They have to be self-directed, as they are your needs, but if you can say anyone meeting them would suffice for you, then I wouldn't necessarily call this past relationship 'love'. Because with love you both work together with the realities you both bring forward in to the relationship, you want to mutually problem-solve, not turn the person in to someone else, or demand they be your version of themself- or that would be a clone (yuck). JMHO though, which really doesn't matter, because how I see or define life or love, or what my expectations are and what I'd do, will be different than your's.

Red flags is not regarding to him...just in general.

I tried working with what he had to give...trust me I did. But it was very difficult to be with somebody who can’t touch, kiss and cuddle....who can just do sex with no foreplay....I waited and waited and waited for him to realize that official relationship wasn’t important to be, but being touched and held is something that most people need. According to him, I am the person he trusts the most...the person he feels safest around, but also the person who stresses him out the most, because he feels guilty for not being able to love me “the way I deserve” he puts it. I have never tried to manipulate him in any way, I have told what I need and I stayed even though he wasn’t able to provide that...I stayed because, I loved him. The truth is, I didn’t take care of myself....it was all about him the whole time. I can’t and won’t do that anymore. I know he feels like a burden...that he feels he is broken, but I have told him over and over again that he is not a burden...that he deserves to be loved just like we all do. When he asked me....why do you stay, why do you put up with all of my shit, I told him...because I love you, because I know you, because I can handle your shit if you let me.
Thanks for your kind words Tinyflame ?

 

[Justmehere]

@Butterfly64 - Have you thought about counseling to learn some better ways of communicating more clearly?

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64 - Have you thought about counseling to learn some better ways of communicating more clearly?

I have communicated very clearly all the time that it didn’t work for me without intimacy. I should have walked away a long time ago, but I didn’t. I stayed...that is on me. No more questions please...thank you.

 

[LuckiLee]

You have me confused...

You love him. You like him. You're over him. You miss him. You don't want to communicate with him. You want intimacy. You blocked his number. And on and on... Yet, you want to be friends??

All of that^^^ would put my guy right into PTSD mode. Crazy making drama. (PTSD and drama don't play well together, ever)

If J and I ever broke up and we wanted to continue as friends why would I cut contact? I wouldn't. I would still be a source of support.

He is who he is. You can only change yourself.

 

[LuckiLee]

Sorry we crossed posts

 

[Butterfly64]

You have me confused...

You love him. You like him. You're over him. You miss him. You don't want to communicate with him. You want intimacy. You blocked his number. And on and on... Yet, you want to be friends??

All of that^^^ would put my guy right into PTSD mode. Crazy making drama. (PTSD and drama don't play well together, ever)

If J and I ever broke up and we wanted to continue as friends why would I cut contact? I wouldn't. I would still be a source of support.

He is who he is. You can only change yourself.

I wanted intimacy....past tense. As I have stated before...he would like to be friends once the mutual attraction is gone...if it ever goes away. He blocked me on messenger, because he couldn’t control seeing me online...then he would contact me...his words not mine. So he blocked on messenger and ten days later send me and sms....this was 2-3 moths ago. I don’t miss him and haven’t for quite some time.
He himself has wanted many times to go non contact and I agreed with him...but he contacted me again and again. So this time, when we both agreed that no contact is best, I blocked him. As I stated yesterday, I am almost over him and in order for me to get completely over him, I need no contact for a while. I need to think of me now...besides, the reason why he needs no contact for a long time (his words not mine) is because he can’t see me and not still want me and that messes with his head. Would it be possible for me now to be a supportive friend...yes it would, but he can’t see me just as friends...that is how he feels about me and I have to respect that.
I know you mean well, but no more questions please. I have bent backwards to love and support him even though my needs were not met and my needs have always been clearly stated.
I am doing better now than I have for the past two years. That is the truth and I have nothing but the best wishes for him.

 

[Justmehere]

@Butterfly64 - I hear you that things have improved for you and in the end, I can’t change your mind any more can more than you can change his. You choose to not get help just as he chooses to not get help. You really don’t seem to like it when people try to change your mind here and point out a possible area of growth - that’s what you do with him too that he also resists. That’s ok.

You have an opportunity to do what he won’t do, and you choose to do not it. That’s also ok. It’s your choice. Just as it’s his choice. You both get to live with the results.

When he asked me....why do you stay, why do you put up with all of my shit, I told him...because I love you, because I know you, because I can handle your shit if you let me.

This is his shit:

But it was very difficult to be with somebody who can’t touch, kiss and cuddle....who can just do sex with no foreplay....

You keep attempting to re-explain yourself but you continue to send the same push/pull messages between your words and actions. I find it very confusing to me and really unclear —- BUT I hear you clearly when you write that you are being super clear to him. That’s good! If it all makes sense to you and him, then I’m glad for that.

I do accept you are sure you have made the right choice for you to continue to plan on further relationship with him. Or not. I’m actually not quite clear on that, but it doesn’t need to be re-explained because at the end of the day, you are quite clear the current course of action is the right one for you. He also seems pretty sure he’s made the right choice for himself to not seek treatment and change. You both are making the choices you have deemed best for the situation. He is the one to best know what he will do with his life and same for you. I really do hope it all works out for the best for you both!

 

[candor]

@Justmehere: Your post to me makes a lot of sense. I spoke today with my raging collegue who calmly communicate that he will continue to rage. My boss has threatened to fire me because I refused to work more hours than stated in my disability and he also supports the rager’s right to rage. I apologize. I may have inadvertently gotten agressive with some here due to the anxiety. It feels like I got this but I might loose a job I really love and I am way over my head :-( Sorry Butterfly to be posting here. I will start a separate thread if I feel it might help.

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64 - I hear you that things have improved for you and in the end, I can’t change your mind any more can more than you can change his. You choose to not get help just as he chooses to not get help. You really don’t seem to like it when people try to change your mind here and point out a possible area of growth - that’s what you do with him too that he also resists. That’s ok.

You have an opportunity to do what he won’t do, and you choose to do not it. That’s also ok. It’s your choice. Just as it’s his choice. You both get to live with the results.


This is his shit:

You keep attempting to re-explain yourself but you continue to send the same push/pull messages between your words and actions. I find it very confusing to me and really unclear wnever though I hear you when you write that you are being super clear to him. That’s good! If it all makes sense to you and him, then I’m glad for that.

I do accept you are sure you have made the right choice for you to continue to plan on further relationship with him. Or not. I’m actually not quite clear on that, but it doesn’t need to be re-explained because at the end of the day, you are quite clear the current course of action is the right one for you. He also seems pretty sure he’s made the right choice for himself to not seek treatment and change. You both are making the choices you have deemed best for the situation. He is the one to best know what he will do with his life and same for you. I really do hope it all works out for the best for you both!

Thank you.

@Justmehere: Your post to me makes a lot of sense. I spoke today with my raging collegue who calmly communicate that he will continue to rage. My boss has threatened to fire me because I refused to work more hours than stated in my disability and he also supports the rager’s right to rage. I apologize. I may have inadvertently gotten agressive with some here due to the anxiety. It feels like I got this but I might loose a job I really love and I am way over my head :-( Sorry Butterfly to be posting here. I will start a separate thread if I feel it might help.

Sorry to hear that Candor That sounds horrible