Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64 - I hear you that things have improved for you and in the end, I can’t change your mind any more can more than you can change his. You choose to not get help just as he chooses to not get help. You really don’t seem to like it when people try to change your mind here and point out a possible area of growth - that’s what you do with him too that he also resists. That’s ok.

You have an opportunity to do what he won’t do, and you choose to do not it. That’s also ok. It’s your choice. Just as it’s his choice. You both get to live with the results.


This is his shit:

You keep attempting to re-explain yourself but you continue to send the same push/pull messages between your words and actions. I find it very confusing to me and really unclear —- BUT I hear you clearly when you write that you are being super clear to him. That’s good! If it all makes sense to you and him, then I’m glad for that.

I do accept you are sure you have made the right choice for you to continue to plan on further relationship with him. Or not. I’m actually not quite clear on that, but it doesn’t need to be re-explained because at the end of the day, you are quite clear the current course of action is the right one for you. He also seems pretty sure he’s made the right choice for himself to not seek treatment and change. You both are making the choices you have deemed best for the situation. He is the one to best know what he will do with his life and same for you. I really do hope it all works out for the best for you both!

If he needs me as a friend some day then I will be there for him and thank you ? It has been a learning experience and when at one point I meet a man who I am attracted to, I will definitely be looking for red flags and run like hell if I spot some ?

 

[Justmehere]

@candor - oh sheish. Not to pull this thread even more off track, but your boss and colleague sound awful. :(

 

[candor]

I am going to really try to make this post about Butterfly. I am sure that everyone here has good intensions with their advise. I moved to your country 42 years ago. I came from NYC. The danes seemed like martians to me back then. All your posts make sense to me sweetie. They don’t confuse me. Back then in ‘78, I literally felt as I was loosing my mind. Point being: Cultures define expectations. Now there are cultures within cultures. My tribe and my preferred culture have brains that are hardwired differently. Throw me in with normal people and I struggle. The reason I believe that I can follow and make sense of everything you write Butterfly is that our experience with our PTSD guys were close to identical. Some major differences is that mine rages and he cannot initiate contact. I am sure that the last time my guy slept over (always on his insistence), he believed that he could maybe this time give me what we both seemed to want. Pull hard—push harder. There are plenty of things I can’t do in life like stay on topic, but I really try. I let him try cause we all improve a little when we do. He can try with me or not.

The things said by both men are so identical. I would like to believe that neither you B nor I need therapy. I think that we are problem solvers Butterfly and that we shared the same problem but arrived at a different resolve. My guy gets to be my butterfly...a thing of beauty that comes and goes and I no longer feel heartache. In your case, you need to be much more sure that you won’t feel heartache so you keep him out of sight. At some point, I realized that I could change faster and adapt to the situation better than he can. You can choose to consider the possibility that there is maybe no problem there to solve anymore cause things are so much better for you the way they are. We stay until we have had enough. And maybe when you no longer see him as the one creating the problem then maybe then you both can relax and rediscover what brought you together in the first place.

For me, I don’t need to convince anyone that I got compensated for my efforts. This is one relationship that will always stand out in a good way. And because I had it, I got on this forum and now I am the martian but that is ok. It is by hearing opinions that differ from our own that we learn to be agile. My head has known better days so I hope I made sense to you Butterfly.

 

[Butterfly64]

I am going to really try to make this post about Butterfly. I am sure that everyone here has good intensions with their advise. I moved to your country 42 years ago. I came from NYC. The danes seemed like martians to me back then. All your posts make sense to me sweetie. They don’t confuse me. Back then in ‘78, I literally felt as I was loosing my mind. Point being: Cultures define expectations. Now there are cultures within cultures. My tribe and my preferred culture have brains that are hardwired differently. Throw me in with normal people and I struggle. The reason I believe that I can follow and make sense of everything you write Butterfly is that our experience with our PTSD guys were close to identical. Some major differences is that mine rages and he cannot initiate contact. I am sure that the last time my guy slept over (always on his insistence), he believed that he could maybe this time give me what we both seemed to want. Pull hard—push harder. There are plenty of things I can’t do in life like stay on topic, but I really try. I let him try cause we all improve a little when we do. He can try with me or not.

The things said by both men are so identical. I would like to believe that neither you B nor I need therapy. I think that we are problem solvers Butterfly and that we shared the same problem but arrived at a different resolve. My guy gets to be my butterfly...a thing of beauty that comes and goes and I no longer feel heartache. In your case, you need to be much more sure that you won’t feel heartache so you keep him out of sight. At some point, I realized that I could change faster and adapt to the situation better than he can. You can choose to consider the possibility that there is maybe no problem there to solve anymore cause things are so much better for you the way they are. We stay until we have had enough. And maybe when you no longer see him as the one creating the problem then maybe then you both can relax and rediscover what brought you together in the first place.

For me, I don’t need to convince anyone that I got compensated for my efforts. This is one relationship that will always stand out in a good way. And because I had it, I got on this forum and now I am the martian but that is ok. It is by hearing opinions that differ from our own that we learn to be agile. My head has known better days so I hope I made sense to you Butterfly.

Thank you Sweetie...I needed that If I believed I needed help I would not have a problem seeking help...so thank you for that also. I have the entire time stated clearly what I needed from him...he couldn’t give it to me although he wanted to. Now he is very open to trying intimacy, but it is too late for that. He needs time without me and so do I. We have been a mess for far too long. I am really okay...and I truly hope he will be a lot more okay some day.
I am just thankful that he moved in January, because us being neighbors made it extra nice...but also extra hard to let go of him.
I admire you for being able to enjoy your man when you get the opportunity...I guess that makes you a lot stronger than I am.

 

[joeylittle]

Since this thread has gone in circles, I think it best to lock it.