Why Now?

[unlovable415]

Long story short. 10 years ago I was brutally raped. Having three young sons to raise without exposing them to this trauma, I chose to raise my family instead of reliving this nightmare. During those 10 years I never dated or let a man touch me.

Well 3 months ago I went out on my first date and I've been with him since. He makes me feel good. But something inside of me doesn't want to allow it. And suddenly when I want to feel good I am overwhelmed with flashbacks and nightmares. Taking me back to that night as if it was yesterday. So vivid, so scary and so painful. I feel like I'm going crazy ( or crazier).

Why now? Why when I just let somebody good into my life? It's like my subconscious is trying to sabotage me. It's so stupid. I hate feeling this way. Is there anything that can help me to stop this from happening?

 

[Mystery]

Oh matey, (((first a virtual hug))), I'm sorry I just can't call you unloveable415, it's not in my nature to call someone a name like that, especially someone like you. Your brain is trying to do it's best to do it's job, it's that simple. You have taken the brave step of trust and your brain is reminding you what you have learned in the past and trying to instruct you to apply what you learned to the present. You are experiencing an after trauma stress response. It's so important that you get professional help, so that you can heal.

I read your post and related so much to it. I was going through hell (with 4 children), for many years and was functioning really well in the circumstances. I stayed single for 12 after that, thinking I was pretty cool for surviving all that when hey presto, I formed a relationship with a guy five years ago, very slowly and carefully at first, only to discover I have ptsd.I asked the same questions as you, only last week. Why now? How come I didn't get it then, when things were way worse. It didn't help that the new guy was somewhat abusive and exploitative of me to boot.

I did some research, started therapy again and now I understand what's happening. It's very common for trauma to rear it's presence much later. There are some great articles on the article page on this site about the whole subject. I highly recommend you read the ones you feel apply to you. Get as much info as you can. You are loveable. You can get help and what you are experiencing doesn't have to mean you suffer from ptsd and you are going to be disabled with it for the rest of your life. With the right assessment and therapy and the right partner you can heal and have the best life possible for you . Best wishes :-)

 

[Friday]

Sex & Love are triggers for rape.

Which is doubly vexing, as one of the few things we know for sure, is that rape has absolutely nothing to do with sex & love. It's about power. So it's literally adding insult to injury.

You're not going crazy. You're processing.

As far as why now? There are dozens of reasons why it might be (and those can be awesome / useful to explore in therapy. They range from adrenaline & other chemicals from falling for someone or being sexually attracted to someone, to muscle memory, to choosing to give away power instead of someone forcing you / aka vulnerability & trust, to purely and simply that you're ready to process it now is the same thing that let you be in a relationship instead of walling yourself off. Plus a few dozen more.).

Figuring out the "why" it's happening now will probably be comforting. I would also like to suggest, however, that you don't drown yourself in why now, or anything you might have done differently. Nothing you could do to change the outcome of having to process this stuff at some point. Sooner or later our brains just decide its time, without even bothering to check with how we happen to feel about it, and... Nooooooooooo. Get. Back. In. Your. Cage. Gah. Why now???

It happens to almost everyone. Which is my statistical caveat. I'm fairly sure it actually does happen to everyone, but I'd like to see the funding for that study happen. Oy. So, suffice to say, happens to most of us. In addition to having no say in it happening...we also, generally, have little to no control over when it happens. You could have slept with 1,007 men... But not actually started process stuff until you fell in love, or youngest started kindergarten, or got a big promotion, or saw a random brick wall at 2pm on a chilly Thursday afternoon, or got in a car wreck, or fell out of love, got fired, empty nester, etc. Or never slept with or fallen in love ever again, and your brain would still pick one of the most inconvenient times, possible. It just sort of happens. "Now". Whenever "now" happens to be.

Try not to run away from it, if you can help it.
Get a good therapist, thrash it out, and work on getting better instead of the sad litany of "This is how I destroyed my life trying to numb out, forget, distract, etc." that so many of us have. All it does is leave you stuck in the same place.

"When you're going through hell...Keep going!"
- Winston Churchill.

 

[unlovable415]

Thank you for the kind words and your insight mystery. I call myself unlovable because I have never accepted love or felt it was ever genuine. So many people tell me that they love me and maybe in their own way they do. The thing is, no one even knows who I really am. I have acquired a very strong persona. I am everybody's best friend, shoulder to cry on, person to yell at when needed, great advisor, confidant and their sanctuary. I have become someone I wish I had in my life. To them I don't have problems. On the rare occasion that I show emotion or have a tear roll down my face, no one knows what to do. Because reality is that no one has ever gone beyond my surface. No one knows anything about me. I can blame no one but myself for that. I'm sure my surface is as hard as steel but it still makes me wonder why no one has even ever tried to scratch at it. Even if they did, I don't think they could handle it or would even want to.

I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago. I buried that along with all of the bad memories, good memories, lost loved ones and myself. Denial has been wonderful for me because it allowed me to not feel. The last three months I have been flooded with feelings and it HURTS. at this moment, tears are welling up in my eyes and I don't like it. I'm here alone, typing and expressing myself to a computer screen. How pathetic is that? And I'm thinking about the virtual hug you, a stranger, gave me.

I know I need help. I honestly don't think I am capable of accepting it. I have allowed a man to destroy me and then I spent the last 10 years destroying what was left of me. There is nothing to love here. I'm pretty upset right now, so I need to take a little breather and compose myself.

Again, you have been very kind. I will check out those articles you suggested and just....thank you.

 

[unlovable415]

Just as I replied to mystery and needed to compose myself....there was your post waiting for me. Only to have me break down some more. WTF. If I am reacting like this to people with kind words and advise, how am I going to react when it all hits the fan? That's what scares me. Not the memories of the rape, but the unveiling of me is what scares me. What if I can't handle this? Then what? I don't have anybody to pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

In my professional life I have to analyze and apply logic. I can even see the logic that needs to be applied in my personal life. But it's like I go stupid. I get this sort of tunnel vision where the logic flies out the window leaving me with this emotionally stunted she'll of a human being. I have managed to do more damage to myself than anyone could ever do to me. It's a vicious cycle because then I end up resenting myself more. This is so wrong. And I'm so lost and i feel totally helpless. These are the feelings I can't stand. It makes me feel like a victim again.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of playing charades. I'm tired of the pain, guilt, shame and self hatred. I'm tired of this whole ordeal. I just want it over.

I apologize for the ranting and the poor little me crap. That really was not my intention. But I let it out, which I've never done before. If this is part of that painful 'process', then I guess it has begun and I'm going to have to deal with it.

 

[Friday]

I spend more time laughing with my counselor over the most inappropriate things... To the point where he occasionally backs up and says

"You know I..." (Realizing the very screwed up sounding thing he just said taken out of context, but absolutely perfect / exactly what I needed in context.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. We're good."

People need different things, and different things at different times. One of my favorite lines right at the moment is "I am NOT crying... I'm having an allergic reaction to feelings!"

There are times when a kind word has saved my life. And there are times when a kind word has nearly driven me to take my life.

I've said it on here frequently enough recently that I'm beginning to sound like a broken record to myself... But I'm in a minority that does best with rough handling. I'd far rather (and get better effect) from laughing at myself, wrestling (physically, like getting in a friendly sparring match), putting my adrenaline to use (exercise), a wink and thwack upside the head and being told I'm being an idiot... Than I do with kindness, sympathy, gentle handling, etc.. I'm just as fragile as anyone else when I'm feeling fragile, but the punch in the arm gives me more strength than a soft word.

But, as I've said, a kind word has also saved my life.

If what you need right now goes against everything you ordinarily need, stand for, like, enjoy... Do. Not. Worry. About. It. You're still you. From eyelash to core, you are still you. You may just need something a little different right now. And that's okay. It's okay to need different things, at different times. It's okay to need one thing right now, and the exact opposite in 5 minutes, 5 weeks, 5 whatever. It doesn't change who you are. Everything is temporary. Just because you're a mess in one moment doesn't mean you cannot be completely competent in the next. In fact, PTSD is a lot like parenthood. The "as soon as you've mastered 1 stage, 1 kid... Another comes along and throws everything for a loop" ... But you're actually learning on a wicked steep curve, and each helps the next be easier. Or at least tolerable. And at worst -in my experience- even if this is the hardest thing, yet? Everything else made it possible to do it (instead of being dropped in wihout the benefit of learning from hard times before). Like toddlers before teens. Thank heavens, as much as I wanted to put my head through drywall when he was 3... That I could still scoop him up. Because I had that set of experiences, I can deal with the same tantrum now, when he's too durn big to pick up! But while those experiences may make me a better parent (or better at wrangling my PTSD), none of it changes who I am. Even if it changes what I need in the moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In a word, No.

What's that saying? Oh yeah.... "IF you're going through hell, keep going". I think Winston Churchill said it? Anyway, you've opened up a pandoras box of sorts and there really is no going back. My advice is to seek out a trauma therapist and get professional help. Build up your support network. There is no going back to being in your happy world of denial where you were able to push it all away, so the quicker you get into treatment, the better.

 

[unlovable415]

You'Re so right. There is no turning back. Even if I thought I could, these horrid flashbacks and nightmares will not let me. I do have great support from my new boyfriend who is unbelievably understanding, patient and there for me. He is gently pushing me to seek therapy and has suggested I should tell the closest people in my life so I can have a support system. I'm hesitant about telling my closest friends though. I think it's because I'm embarrassed as well as feeling guilty that i couldn't trust them enough to tell. I don't know.

I have connected with a psychiatrist who is wants to help, but I have yet to tell him any more than that i am a victim of a violent crime and that my brother was murdered. Then I quickly shut down. I'm hoping that the next time we talk I will have the courage to take the next step in trusting him. I realize I have nothing to lose by doing so; but I have been so detached from this for so long it's difficult.

All of your encouragement has made me realize that there is no more running away. So, thank you. There are going to be very challenging and painful days ahead for me, but I'm going to do it. I am open to any more suggestions if you have any.