General Wife is Diagnosed with PTSD, Wants Separation

[Andreas]

Hi, I need some advice what I can do to help my wife and get her back.

I need to tell at least a part of the story:

My wife told me long ago that she was abused as a child.

We are married for 6 years now. In the first years we had a good marriage. But about a year ago her grandmother died (she was like a mother to her) and I think that this was a trigger for the outbreak of PTSD. Since then she avoided physical contact and suffered from emotional numbness towards me. She told me that she is not trusting me after 8 years. She has sleeping problems and avoids communication and often wants to be alone playing computer games. She also did not talk to her mother for a few months.

I was working in Germany in 2008 so I could not be with her very often. But when I was there I always felt like a stranger (she ignored me and avoided contact) and I was wondering what is wrong with her. But in September it got worse. She told me that she wants a divorce because she has no feelings for me anymore and she forced me to go back to Germany. I kept calling her from Germany and tried to rescue our marriage. Then in November she lost her job because of her psycological problems and they sent her to a therapist. She called me and came over to me to Germany. The whole December we were together again but I was difficult. She did not want to celebrate christmas because of her condition. But when I supported her she also felt better for a few days and we celebrated with her mother together and I felt that I had a good influence on her. But then again by the end of December it started again.
I think it was when she visited the therapist.

Then I saw the first time that she is diagnosed with PTSD, because he gave her a book to read with the title PTSD. Then again she pushed me to go back to Germany because she said that she needs time to be alone and get herself back on track. She wrote me a letter that she wants to work on herself and wants our marriage and hates to send me away.But when I returned to Germany again she got worse and told me on the phone that the letter is wrong and she can not promise me anything.
It is like an emotional rollercoaster with her and I have the feeling that she wants to get rid of me.

In January then she got her job back, and she told me that she feels slowly better again. But I always try to call her and she is not answering my calls and avoids communication. She once told me that it is causing her stress to talk to me and be together with me.But I want to live together with my wife again and I love her so much.
But I can not convince her that it would be good for her to open up to me and talk to me. And I think it would be good to go to marriage counselling too.

What can I do to help her and to support her ?
What could I do to get her back to communicate and open up ?
I really would appreciate any form of advice.

Thank You

Regards
Andreas

 

[Luthien]

Hi Andreas,

Welcome to the forum.

I am a PTSD sufferer, so, I don't know if you want my advice, or if it'll be helpful, but the best thing I can say is to let her have her space, within reason.

If this (PTSD) is a new thing for her (and even if it isn't, but it's harder when it is new) she is going to be very confused about what is going on with her feelings and her whole being. She will probably feel like she is her own biggest enemy, and she wont be able to understand herself, or be able to make you understand either.

We cannot explain that which we do not understand.

I find that when I am at my most confused, and when I am very messed up, that I isolate myself from my husband. I do this because I am hurting, but I don't understand what is happening or why. I do it to protect him from what is going on with me, and also because I have no clue how to set his mind at ease or explain myself to him.

This is common with PTSD sufferers, and from what you wrote, I sense this is what is going on with your wife. Basically, she is hurting. She probably feels crazy, and doesn't understand herself. And she doesn't know how to deal with others, because she isn't able to explain things to them, or help make things easier for them.

Basically, she is trying to protect you while protecting herself.

When I said give her her space within reason, I mean give some time, let her have it her way for awhile, but when (as is likely to happen) it doesn't seem to be working. You're going to have to be direct with her and ask her flat out what she plans to do, and if she wants to save the marriage. Let her know you love her and are there for her, try to give her the time and space she needs, but do not let her walk all over you.

You need to care for yourself as well, and being in a relationship with a spouse that wont even be in the same country as you is not in your best interest.

You sound like you're really trying to help her and support her. Like you love her, and want to do the best thing for her. This is admirable.

The thing is, you can't help, or do anything for her if she wont let you.

The best thing you can do is try to understand PTSD, and what is going on with her. Let her know where you're at with things, and ask her where she's at. And then, take care of yourself above all, because you can't change her...only she can..you can try to help, but only if she'll accept it.

I hope you find some peace..I can only imagine what it is like for the carers who try to help and support us...you guys put up with a lot, and deserve a lot of credit.

Take care.

 

[Andreas]

Hi Luthien,

thank you for your reply and your advice. That helps me very much.
Especially the fact that you are a sufferer is helpful because only you can understand what is going on in her head.

Yesterday my wife called me and told me that she feels good so far, but she still needs some time. But she agreed to let me call her next week.
So I hope that everything will get back to normal soon and I am trying to hold myself back and not to put her under stress with that.

But thats very hard for me, because I do not want to stay away for a long time. I am afraid that we are growing more and more apart again, cause I am not able to pass by and vist her because of the distance.

Thank You,
Take care
Regards
Andreas

 

[Luthien]

Hi again,

I'm glad you found my post helpful. I hope for your sake that things get back to normal as soon as possible. But by normal, I hope you only mean that you and your wife will be back together, and will be working together on this.

It isn't likely that things will ever be the way they were before your wife developed PTSD. There is no cure for PTSD, as it is actual damage in the brain due to chemical imbalances. (If she had a brain scan they would be able to see areas of her brain that have shrunk, and are not working properly. I had this brain scan..the results are visible. It is in a sense, brain damage)

There are things that can help us cope, and we can learn to live with PTSD, but it will always be there, ready to sneak up on us. Have you been researching PTSD at all?? It is best if you know as much as you can about it, especially if you want to be there for your wife, and continue your lives together.

I hope the best for you and your wife, and that things will work out so that both of you are happy.

Please feel free to ask me anything you'd like if you have any questions or need support...I will try to be as helpful as I can.

Take care.

 

[Tbam]

are there kids involved???

 

[becvan]

What can I do to help her and to support her ?
What could I do to get her back to communicate and open up ?
I really would appreciate any form of advice.

Thank You

Regards
Andreas

She needs space, so give her space. Yes I know this is very hard to do. Try to work out solid boundaries with her. Like when you can call, how often etc.. make it specific so she knows what to expect and so do you.

Support needs to start with an understanding. Buy some books on PTSD and read them. Ask to go and see her therapist with her (and explain you just want to learn about what it is and what you can do so she doesn't feel threatened.) Consider seeing a therapist yourself to help you deal with the emotional roller coaster and also to learn yourself.

You need to leave the lines of communication open by respecting her boundaries. Those we love the most usually cause us the most stress. It's unfortunate but it's how it works. Try to be understanding of that. Don't be confrontational. Try to understand her needs and ask questions that are specific to how you can help meet them.

Other than that, you have to wait for her. Hope some of these help.

bec