The complicated part about it is that I used to be violent and have anger issues. We were both violent but I was a lot worse. It wasn't just her. I would get totally out of control in public and behave aggressively. I was so abusive. But I hated myself and acknowledged what I was doing was wrong. I couldn't get any help for a long time then I went to private therapy. I very quickly learned to control my temper and have not been violent in 4 years. I have fully acknowledged my behaviour and we have had many conversations about how it all affected her.
Good work for ending this horrible cycle you were in! That's HUGE! Kudos to you for doing that hard work.
Your mistakes and past struggle don't make her behavior ok. All that you describe about how she is acting isn't good for her well being either. Your past struggle actually make it all the more important to focus on boundaries. Not to punish either of you, but so that both of you can heal. You are both stuck in a cycle of abuse...
It could be that your past behavior has lead to her having some PTSD symptoms of her own. That could be why she doesn't want to learn about PTSD - she isn't able/willing to face her own pain yet. Doesn't have the support and skills yet. It is completely her choice to face it or not. It's not ok for either of you for her to lash out at you with violence.
I've said I understand if she can't forgive and does not want to be with me. I have encouraged her to seek therapy to help her process this. Now it's like I'm tame and she is a wild, snarling beast. I don't know how to stay but I can't leave as she stood by me. I honestly can't take much more punishment. I can forgive the past 4 years of punishment but I can't take anymore. Should I just walk away if she starts getting angry? How can I change my needs within the relationship?
Walking away could be an great option!
There is one time where I started to get very angry and upset with someone I was in a close relationship with. They knew I had PTSD, but they didn't know what it meant. They didn't understand it, and they didn't need to. I started being a verbal jerk to her... I was actually just really scared of her leaving me... She didn't know or understand what was going on for me or why I was triggered. But she kept a boundary with me, and it saved the possibility of us having a relationship. She said to me very quickly, "I need to go now and talk about this later so that I can stay in this relationship with you." And then she left.
I did not agree with her leaving. I did not agree with her on anything at that time. I thought I was in the right. She didn't discuss it with me right in that moment, she just said that sentence and left. She kept that boundary. It was painful for me to have her walk away. That pain of her walking away and not continuing to engage me made me look at myself and it pushed me to take more responsibility for my own behavior. If she had stated and continued to plead or discuss it with me, I would not have seen my own pain and mistakes as well. My lashing out stopped "working" for me. I had to look at me.
Right now, what your wife is doing is "working" just well enough for her to avoid the hard work of therapy. It could be that if you walk way (and not in a passive aggressive cold shoulder way) to set a boundary with what is not ok for you, it may stop working so well for her to escape her pain and she might be more motivated to engage therapy.
Walk away not just when she is angry, but when she raises her voice, makes snarky comments, etc. In healthy relationships people should be able to feel whatever they feel, but there are boundaries around behaviors. Walk away when the behavior crosses your limits of what you can handle.
My only other option is to change the marriage. I won't expect any emotional support and we can look after each other in practical ways and have an intellectual relationship. I don't feel like I want to be physically close to her at the moment because of the trust issues but this has got me in trouble and she is very angry that I don't want cuddles and that I am unhappy.
She beat you up physically and verbally. Of course you don't want cuddles and distrust her, That's a natural response to such domestic violence. It would be a normal and natural response even if you had no history of CPTSD.
It also makes sense that she could be verbally putting you down because she's pushing you away too.
It seems like she is trying to escape responsibility for her actions and for her healing from her pain over the past violence from you, and possibly escaping from her own pain and problems in many other ways, possibly even through workaholism, drinking, and etc.
It is healthy to want to be supported by a partner - and in each of your own ways, you both seem to want that. The best suffer-supporter relationships happen when there is full support network in place for both people in the relationship. If you can find ways to get needs for self esteem to be built up in other ways, that's going to help a lot regardless if you stay or go.
It also seems clear that she isn't happy with settling with an intellectual relationship -- and will resent you for anything less. It seems like she is struggling to work through her own pain about the past. She wants close intimate connection with you, but keeps pushing you away. From what you write, it seems clear you want to be able to have your needs met in the relationship too, in an emotionally and physically safe way, and you keep pushing her away too.
You have got to start drawing the line with her in a gentle but clear way when things spiral. Not just for your sake, but hers too. And it's really hard to do, because of that very real and common fear of being "in trouble" and for her, the unresolved pain from her own past.
