Supporter Will He Ever Live With Me?

[Deleted member 26314]

Yet, I feel I owe it to both of us to tell him the truth?

I agree, you should tell him when he is pushing you away - like I said before, although it hurts and isn't pleasant to know, obviously, but it is good for you both for you to realise when he is pushing you away. Maybe try and make a mental note of how he acts, just before he pulls away. It might help 'prepare' you kind of, as in in the future you'll be able to recognise the signs and either try and avoid it or divert it happening or at least it wont be such a sudden thing for you.

It is good news that he is trying to improve, very good and you should try and encourage it as much as you can (without being too overwhelming). Being a supporter for someone with any kind of mental health issue/problem is much like a balancing act. As well as suffering from my own mental disorders, I also helped my best friend go through some tough times, so I do understand how you feel.

Katerina, do you think I can still compensate for the hurt I caused him by being so harsh on him on that occasion? What shall I do to try and make up for it?

Okay, for starters, whilst yes, you did upset him/hurt him, you do not have to spend the rest of your time trying to make up for it. If I was in this situation and my boyfriend was you, I'd feel hurt and yes probably isolate myself for a couple days to recuperate. However, I wouldn't want you bending over backwards trying to make up for it as that would feel as though you were pushing more. Sometimes all I need from my boyfriend is a simple "I'm here for you if you need to talk" sent via text when I am having a down moment, I don't always reply and he never expects a reply, but it gives me that reassurance that I know he is really here for me.

I don't know what to suggest really, I do only have my experiences, so I apologise for the lack of solid advice. (and the "pestering" is fine, I'm glad I can help you)

 

[Lidia]

Sometimes all I need from my boyfriend is a simple "I'm here for you if you need to talk" sent via text when I am having a down moment, I don't always reply and he never expects a reply, but it gives me that reassurance that I know he is really here for me.

I don't know what to suggest really, I do only have my experiences, so I apologise for the lack of solid advice. (and the "pestering" is fine, I'm glad I can help you)[/QUOTE]

Yep, really know what you mean. I am learning to do the same. I offer him to talk when/if he wants when he is feeling down. I sometimes don't get a response and I have learned not to worry about that.

Just one final thing. I arranged two days away for his birthday, to go for a show he likes and to stay in a nice hotel and have a nice dinner. I put together a pretty brochure colour print brochure for him, outlining the programme for the two days and gave it to him as a gift. He texted me to say that he could not accept it, that he does not deserve it, that I am too kind and that upsets him very deeply. He asked me to cancel it, offering a refund for what I paid out. I don't know whether to bring that up again and try to persuade him or just take his first word and cancel everything.

I am asking you because what you say about your own experience resonates with me a lot. Thank you for not minding my posts. You are helping me a lot. He is a really reasonable, kind, intelligent, articulate and stable man, aside from his [whatever]. I am determined to give this my best. :)

 

[Deleted member 26314]

He texted me to say that he could not accept it, that he does not deserve it, that I am too kind and that upsets him very deeply.

My boyfriend is a bit like this and thinks he doesn't deserve me etc. What I have learnt with him is to literally put my foot down and say "get over it, I love you and you do deserve me". Obviously in a nicer way, but that is the jist of what I say and it most often than not, works. I'm also a bit like this in the sense I don't feel I deserve gifts or any signs of appreciation, and what my boyfriend does is not let me back out of them. Unless I have a good reason (i.e. ill, in a depressive episode or anxiety levels are high or whatever), but me simply saying I don't deserve it, doesn't cut it with him. And now I am learning to not say it so much and I'm starting (very very slowly mind you) to accept the fact I do deserve it.

I think you should bring it up again, lightly though. Put more emphasis on the fact it'd make you happy rather than him, that way he should hopefully see that doing this would make you happy, which in turn should make him happy and hopefully lessen his feelings of you being too kind and avoid him feeling like he doesn't deserve it.

What I have learnt over the last couple months is that my boyfriend can do all he likes to fix my problems and show me how much he loves me and do whatever he can to help me, but the only thing he can actually do is help me manage it, calm me down after a flashback or anxiety attack. I have to be the one to fix the underlying issues with my therapist, both me and my boyfriend know he can't do that and I can't. Not on our own anyway. We need the extra support from my therapist to kind of give us a shove in the right direction and then from there we can work out our own personal quirks and such. If that makes any sense?

There are kind of big picture things, to do with my flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and other symptoms common with PTSD. But then there are things between me and my boyfriend that are completely individual to us, like how we manage the symptoms and how he's learnt to help and cope with me being me and those kind of things I like to call our personal quirks.

What I'm trying to say is, you can do the best you can with just you and your boyfriend, and it will be rough and hard but you will eventually manage and be happy and I'm not saying it'd be easier with a therapist but it would take the weight of you as much and he'd be able to get to the root of all of this without worrying about you not deserving it or whatever.
Obviously the choice to involve therapists is your own and your boyfriends, I'm just giving my own two cents.

 

[Lidia]

My boyfriend is a bit like this and thinks he doesn't deserve me etc. What I have learnt with him is to literally put my foot down and say "get over it, I love you and you do deserve me". Obviously in a nicer way, but that is the jist of what I say and it most often than not, works. I'm also a bit like this in the sense I don't feel I deserve gifts or any signs of appreciation, and what my boyfriend does is not let me back out of them. Unless I have a good reason (i.e. ill, in a depressive episode or anxiety levels are high or whatever), but me simply saying I don't deserve it, doesn't cut it with him. And now I am learning to not say it so much and I'm starting (very very slowly mind you) to accept the fact I do deserve it.

Thank you. My boyfriend puts his foot down with me to reassure me that he cares and that I am attractive, etc. I try to do that with him.

As for this gift, I already tried the exact approach that you suggest. I said that it would make me happy, that I had been looking forward to it for a long time, and asked if he would consider making me happy and go with me. He still declined. However, that was all in the same first day that he had received the gift. Perhaps now that a few days have passed it would be different? I really would like him to go with me. I will try again and see if I can convince him.

Thank you!

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Perhaps now that a few days have passed it would be different?

Yes, I do think you should try next time you get the chance to talk. Try not to appear overbearing or overwhelm him, but I do definitely think you should try again. It might work, and hopefully it will! I wish you luck. :)

 

[Lidia]

Yes, I do think you should try next time you get the chance to talk. Try not to appear overbearing or overwhelm him, but I do definitely think you should try again. It might work, and hopefully it will! I wish you luck. :)

I just heard from him - he is having a very bad moment (I have seen this coming for a few weeks, to be fair) and is going to isolate himself for a week. So I guess it is not the time to try again...but thank you for the support. x

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Aw, I'm sure you'll get the chance to soon enough. Keep up hope and you're always welcome on the site, to vent or whatever. I wish you luck!

 

[Lidia]

Aw, I'm sure you'll get the chance to soon enough. Keep up hope and you're always welcome on the site, to vent or whatever. I wish you luck!

Thank you so much! This is my opportunity to learn the art of resilience, I guess. You did a lot for me today, I am grateful.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Lidia]

Thank you. Today it is a beautiful sunny day and I wish I could spend it with him. It is his 40th birthday. But he is having timeout this week...and claims that every kind word or act cripples him...anybody can explain why?

 

[Lidia]

Great...he is letting his parents see him today but not me...I feel well and truly rejected now :(