LizardViolet
Silver Member
My sweetie is an alcoholic and has been drinking as long as I've known him, three and a half years, and owns up to more than ten years of heavy drinking altogether. He's got a complex case, survived childhood physical and emotional abuse and then added another layer of combat trauma.
He's definitely physically affected by his drinking. He feels horrible in the morning, he's having digestion problems and other effects. He recognizes that they're symptoms of alcohol abuse.
He quit drinking once since I've known him, about six months into our relationship. He was VERY sick, couldn't keep food down, so he stopped drinking for about three weeks and lived on cottage cheese and Gatorade and he got better. And went back to drinking.
His sober spell was tough for a couple of weeks. He was in a foul mood continuously, and had no sex drive, which was very distressing to him. Then he returned to mental equilibrium. But he wanted to drink every day, and of course his internal demons were constantly present, there was no daily break.
He told me about a week ago that he was going to quit drinking. He said it to me twice. We talked about it very practically. I told him I was braced for his foul mood, and that there was a reason for it, his brain's endorphin chemistry has to re-wire. I also said something that I now regret. It had been on my mind. I said that I try to be detached from his drinking, and that I care very much about his health, but that drinking is one of the ways he copes with his PTSD and that if he quit, he was going to have to find coping strategies other than drinking. It was true, but I should have thought it through further. He's very negative and has terrible self esteem. I suspect he heard that as a criticism, as me saying, You will fail. What I should have added was that finding those alternate coping strategies is (a) possible and (b) easier to do while sober.
So I'm feeling bad and responsible... and he hasn't stopped drinking. I suddenly was hopeful, was prepared for the transition, and he is still drinking. His mother went out of town -- she's a source of stress in his life, and she left a couple of days later than she planned. So I thought, now that she's gone, he'll stop. But he drank Saturday night, and I'm pretty confident he drank last night (Sunday), I wasn't there but I could hear it in his voice when we talked on the phone. I am a source of stress too, good stress mostly but he has trouble with intimacy and alcohol smooths that out. I don't plan to see him tonight, so there's one more opportunity for him to be sober with a minimum of stress around him. But I think the window of opportunity may have closed, and I'm afraid that I banged it on his fingers.
I try hard to be detached. I know that I am not responsible for his actions. I know this is a powerful addiction, a physical dependence on top of a stress management strategy. But I wish I had not said what I said.
He's definitely physically affected by his drinking. He feels horrible in the morning, he's having digestion problems and other effects. He recognizes that they're symptoms of alcohol abuse.
He quit drinking once since I've known him, about six months into our relationship. He was VERY sick, couldn't keep food down, so he stopped drinking for about three weeks and lived on cottage cheese and Gatorade and he got better. And went back to drinking.
His sober spell was tough for a couple of weeks. He was in a foul mood continuously, and had no sex drive, which was very distressing to him. Then he returned to mental equilibrium. But he wanted to drink every day, and of course his internal demons were constantly present, there was no daily break.
He told me about a week ago that he was going to quit drinking. He said it to me twice. We talked about it very practically. I told him I was braced for his foul mood, and that there was a reason for it, his brain's endorphin chemistry has to re-wire. I also said something that I now regret. It had been on my mind. I said that I try to be detached from his drinking, and that I care very much about his health, but that drinking is one of the ways he copes with his PTSD and that if he quit, he was going to have to find coping strategies other than drinking. It was true, but I should have thought it through further. He's very negative and has terrible self esteem. I suspect he heard that as a criticism, as me saying, You will fail. What I should have added was that finding those alternate coping strategies is (a) possible and (b) easier to do while sober.
So I'm feeling bad and responsible... and he hasn't stopped drinking. I suddenly was hopeful, was prepared for the transition, and he is still drinking. His mother went out of town -- she's a source of stress in his life, and she left a couple of days later than she planned. So I thought, now that she's gone, he'll stop. But he drank Saturday night, and I'm pretty confident he drank last night (Sunday), I wasn't there but I could hear it in his voice when we talked on the phone. I am a source of stress too, good stress mostly but he has trouble with intimacy and alcohol smooths that out. I don't plan to see him tonight, so there's one more opportunity for him to be sober with a minimum of stress around him. But I think the window of opportunity may have closed, and I'm afraid that I banged it on his fingers.
I try hard to be detached. I know that I am not responsible for his actions. I know this is a powerful addiction, a physical dependence on top of a stress management strategy. But I wish I had not said what I said.
