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Relationship Will I be a trigger forever?

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Tim

Will I be a trigger for my ex forever?

We were together for 4 years. It was a bumpy relationship because she had undiagnosed PTSD and depression and didn't have much control over her emotions. She'd often say hurtful things and it made me distant, and then she'd get upset because I was acting distant. She got diagnosed during the last months of our relationship and she hadn't made much progress with her therapist yet. She came from a war country but never really told me the cause of her trauma or what it felt like. I just knew she was afraid of airplanes, helicopters and often had nightmares about people breaking into her home, so I did my best to comfort her and hugged her/covered her ears whenever I heard an aircraft coming.

Around 6 months ago she had some sort of flashback and locked herself in the toilet. I had never witnessed her like this and didn't really know what was happening. She had talked about suicide in the past and wasn't responding so I got really worried. I asked several times if she was okay but no response, so I opened the door as gently as I could (it was an old shitty lock) and she completely freaked out, yelling that she hates me over and over in a hysterical way and then she ran to the living room and called the police on me, telling them I broke her bathroom door to assault her. Strangely enough she was thinking clearly enough to be able to tell the police she was having a PTSD episode. Police arrived and I explained the situation while she was sobbing in the bathroom.

She blocked my number and after around a week she called me asking to meet. She returned me my stuff, said she's too damaged to be in a relationship and that was that. 4 year relationship gone in the blink of an eye.

We reconnected about 3 months later through Instagram and slowly got to talking on the phone again. After a few phonecalls we decided to meet up for a walk through the park. We sat down by a tree and had a seemingly normal conversation about old times, then she started sobbing and said she expected to feel different when she saw me, but that all she felt was fear and anxiety. Suddenly she got up and started walking away from me. I sort of tried to keep up with her, telling her everything is okay, that she's safe and that it's just a panic attack, but the more I tried to calm her down the worse it got and then she dialed the police again on her smartwatch. Police came and again she was able to explain to them that I hadn't done anything wrong, but that she has PTSD and she just wants me to leave instead of trying to help. I left and that was the last time I ever saw her. I sent her a message now and then which she would read but not respond to.


After around a month she called me up saying she's going to go through EMDR, but her therapist won't let her start it unless she can guarantee that I won't message her during the treatment because it could mess up her treatment and result in a nervous breakdown. I wished her lots of luck and strength for her treatment and then she blocked all forms of contact after we hung up.


So yeah, it appears I've become a trigger because I entered her safe space during a flashback.. I'm just wondering if this is curable in any way? Can the EMDR somehow make her see that I always treated her well, and that I became distant because of her own behaviour? Could it untangle enough memories to let her see I'm not the cause of her trauma?
 
The question is why would *you* want to do this to yourself. If her go-to response when she’s stressed is to call the cops on you, *you* are going to end up in jail.

I’ve been with my vet for a decade, and the first time he calls the cops on me is the last time I will grace him with my presence. He does not get to jeopardize my well-being and safety because he is mentally ill.

There is no guarantee that treatment will make anything better with PTSD. This may be as good as it gets. You need to be safe and worry about your own well-being.
 
The question is why would *you* want to do this to yourself. If her go-to response when she’s stressed is to call the cops on you, *you* are going to end up in jail.

I’ve been with my vet for a decade, and the first time he calls the cops on me is the last time I will grace him with my presence. He does not get to jeopardize my well-being and safety because he is mentally ill.

There is no guarantee that treatment will make anything better with PTSD. This may be as good as it gets. You need to be safe and worry about your own well-being.

I feel like it was my own fault. In both situations she repeatedly asked me to leave and I didn’t.. Instead I kept talking to her and trying to calm her down. This was before I read about PTSD sufferers needing a safe space.
 
This was before I read about PTSD sufferers needing a safe space.
My best and most dearest friends have not only broken the door down but grabbed me up, and flung me over their shoulders kicking and screaming. And that doesn’t even begin to touch the times I’ve been given a hard slap across my face, or knocked on my ass.

In all of those times? I was in the wrong. They weren’t.

I was melting down.

Their attempts to calm me down weren’t working, so they handled the situation.

Very little different than if people less self-assured called 911/999 for police/paramedics.

Those people? ARE my “safe space”.

Not that I depend on them to police my crazy, I don’t. But if my crazy shows up around them, or people like them? I couldn’t be luckier. And I know it.

I’ve been with my vet for a decade, and the first time he calls the cops on me is the last time I will grace him with my presence.
Truth.
 
i hope my husband of 42 years never stops being my trigger. his trigger effect works both ways. he can trigger me to health and serenity as easily as he can trigger me to hell and back, with many starts and stops in between. some of the explosions have been funner than others, but each and every explosion has learning experience for both of us. methinks we'll need another 42 years of studying to get it right.

good loving takes time to learn. be gentle with all players involved and patient with the process.
 
I feel like it was my own fault. In both situations she repeatedly asked me to leave and I didn’t.. Instead I kept talking to her and trying to calm her down. This was before I read about PTSD sufferers needing a safe space.
The first time you were checking she hadn't harmed herself.
The second time, yeah you could have made a different decision.

I find it hard to believe that a therapist has said you will make her have a breakdown if you contact her during her EDMR treatment. If a therapist did say that, then they aren't a good one!

Sounds like this relationship is over.

You're not a trigger. Whilst it might feel like you are and you might feel like her reaction is your fault. It isn't.
We are all responsible for our behaviour and that includes hers when she is triggered. It's her being triggered as opposed to you being a trigger.
 
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