Wishing I Had Died That Day, But Not Suicidal?

[UpTillDawn]

Before the second incident took place, medically I was close to death. I had emergency blood sugar levels (Under 2.2), arrhythmia of the heart, the works, and spent 3 days in the not-quite ICU of a hospital.

The thing is, since the end of the second incident, after it all happened and after the whole 'trauma' part of it set in, ever since then I wish I had died that day. The confusing thing is, though, I'm not suicidal. I wish I wasn't alive, but I'm also scared of death. The thing that hasn't changed is that on the day I was close to death, I wish I had died.

I don't know what to make of it- it's something I haven't been able to shake... I guess I don't even know why I feel it if I'm not suicidal. Don't know why I'm putting it out there except to get it out there. (Without being accused of 'needing help' like I didn't know that already.)

 

[PoeticLady83]

Some may think it's not normal to feel that way but when the pain becomes unbearable and the bad memories consume you....you just want it to end.

I've attempted suicide a few times before ....lately the thoughts have come back. It's not a matter of weak nor strong. Your fighting against something bigger then you. It's not as easy as some would say.. to be positive or think differently. When in your mind you focus on it.

For me it lies dormant it's always there just certain times in my life through all the different traumas it's managed to surface and taunt me. So I can relate to you saying you don't think you're suicidal....I can be alone and I function daily. These are just my experiences and thank you for sharing yours.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

The confusing thing is, though, I'm not suicidal. I wish I wasn't alive, but I'm also scared of death. The thing that hasn't changed is that on the day I was close to death, I wish I had died.

I understand that feeling. Some days the pain of everything gets too much and you wish you didn't exist. It doesn't mean you're going to go out and commit suicide, but you just wish you didn't have to deal with the pain. I, too, am scared of death and scared to live sometimes, too. I don't think you are alone in these thoughts.

 

[Friday]

You're right, that sounds like resentment, not ideation.

 

[UpTillDawn]

@FridayJones , That would actually make sense, seeing as I'm so angry about everything else.

 

[Friday]

I've been suicidal... But when I've been jealous or resentful, I liken it to coming home after a wild party. I don't want to clean up the enormous mess, but I'm also not just going to live in mountains of pizza boxes, beer bottles, random people sprawled out on my rug, etc. Since I didn't have the grace to die, or in the parallel since my house is still there, I'm not going to torch it even if it sounds appealing... Nope. Now I've got to go on and clean up that mess. Grrrrr. Fine. But just because I'm cleaning it up instead of burning it down, doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. IE Resentment.

One thing that helped was actually grief work. Not on purpose, but when I told my counselor about it / how I processed it years later, he burst out laughing...and pointed it out. Fine, fine, I grieved my own death. Or lack there of.

Well, someone almost died. I suppose it's not that often people attend their own funerals. In the pews. I expect people almost always attend their own funeral's otherwise. But just because I grieved my death (or lack thereof) doesn't mean that I grieve my life. I'm simply irked by it. Sometimes.

Resentment, though, is where I learned my favorite definition of forgiveness :
Giving up all hope for a better past.

I'm not exceptionally good at it, but I like it.