Relationship Wishy Washy Or A Part Of Ptsd?

[anmun8]

I don't want to blame any of his actions on PTSD, but it sure helps. I've heard he's always been a bit...

Ptsd causes many behaviours no one wants to see or experience. As a wife of an afghan vet...whe...

It's like I'm reading my relationship right now. I am in the same situation when he isolates himself. My Vet also has combat PTSD. We have been together for almost 3 years now and since than I have seen so much progress but at the same time alot of steps back. He just started the PTSD Therapy.

In my experience at first it was very hard. When he would fall in a crisis he would have his anger rage and blame me or even have paranoia situations which never existed or things I supposedly said or did. As for the isolation, he would disappear no communication for hours, days and just one time a month. And than who would fall in a depression, crying, alone and trying to make it work but only would receive more atacks? This one right here!! Thsn he would come back home trying to fix everything. We would talk about what had happened and why he left. He would say he didn't want me to see him so depressed or he just needed to be alone. I would keep telling him to not leave our home everytime. But he would say he can't control it and would get scared. I gave up on that part. When he needs it, he needs it. And so it is what it is.

But I can tell you this. I learned with every downfall and him not around, I just have to take care of myself!!! Just like he would do to himself. I focus on me. Do things to distract myself no matter how hard it is. He needs more help. More commitment. But you can not force them. Think of some ideas. I'm setting more stronger boundaries. I dont want it to keep being this cycle because it kills me everytime when he leaves and I said enough to myself.....I wish I had an awnser for you and I. I just want you to know you're not alone. Take care of yourself. Reaaaad as much as you can about PTSD. Get help for you also. Big hugs!

 

[Esterio]

It's like I'm reading my relationship right now. I am in the same situation when he isolates himself. M...

Thanks for the post anmun8
I'm Not a vet But overtime I hear any of you talk. I related and this isolation isn't voluntary it has to happen to protect everyone it is all about space with nothing to conflict with me. I hope that makes sense to you.
Peace Be safe

 

[gealach]

I don't want to blame any of his actions on PTSD, but it sure helps. I've heard he's always been a bit...

I isolate for more than 1 reason: I would hide at work, literally hide, because I was afraid, ashamed, felt unwelcome, felt like I didn't belong, thought I was a freak, felt that I wasn't worthy to take up even 1 micron of space in the universe.... you get the picture. I hid/isolated because I just wanted to be invisible, even being a single cell amoeba would have been too much existence for me. I also hid/isolated so that I wouldn't have to answer questions that might lead to me being vulnerable and asking for help (thereby making a fool of myself, and proving how weak & pathetic I am). I would also hide/isolate because sometimes sound would just become a jumbled mess of noise, and a jackhammer right into my brain. Noise, people speaking, etc literally hurts sometimes and is just physically overwhelming, instantly over stimulating, like being hit by a noise tornado. I don't know if your vet experiences any of these things...

He goes to the VA often and has another therapist that he sees too. I have asked to go with him but he blows it off.

.

That would be a resounding NO from me. I discuss with my T those things I'm still processing, and I need a safe place to do that uncensored. Without my family & friends as spectators. As soon as you start adding additional people to the equation, there's going to be censoring, and holding back, and complete avoidance of topics, and competing interests, and someone's feelings get hurt, and now we're off topic (squirrel!), all of which totally defeats the purpose of therapy. Individual therapy is meant for the individual, and group therapy for the group. Couples therapy might be an option for you, though.

He seems wishy washy because during this time, he doesn't know if he just wants to be alone or with me. I don't know how many times I've heard he could just be alone. Yet he loves me. It can get rather confusing.

Everything he says may be true at the moment he says it.... but the next moment is a totally different moment with totally different feelings and truths. It's confusing for both of you. Therapy & boundaries, therapy & boundaries, and occasionally a good scream :)

I wish you well, cheers!

 

[knj2015]

It's like I'm reading my relationship right now. I am in the same situation when he isolates himself. M...

I am doing so much better this time around as far as I haven't hurt so intensely as long as I have in the past when he has done this. I am, however going through so many ranges of emotions. This is the first time he's done this since he had moved in. I'm angry that he was sneaky about it. It was a slap in the face coming home thinking things were fine and finding they weren't because he didn't communicate about it. I get the abuse. It's hard! I don't tell my family or friends about it because I don't want them judging him. They haven't read these forums and from their point of view, he's just being a big @ss#*(#! Which he is...lol! But it's different than what they have ever experienced. I get angry that when he's upset like last night and I say the wrong thing and it's the biggest deal in the world! He's put his foot down and 'now he's not coming over!' It's so controlling!! Yet he was crying on Sunday telling me he was so sorry for not allowing me to have a voice. I did tell him last night that I didn't want to change him, just to learn how to live with it. He's that important to me. But maybe not the best timing. He went on about how difficult he is and it might be best to end up alone. <sigh> I usually ignore those comments since I've heard them so much and know that when he's out of this, he won't feel that way like all the other times.

 

[knj2015]

I isolate for more than 1 reason: I would hide at work, literally hide, because I was afraid, ashamed...

As far as I understand from him, he needs to focus during this time to get his thoughts together and unwind. I really am fine with him going for a drive to get away, etc. I just think him moving out was extreme. He just felt he had no other choice at the time.

That would be a resounding NO from me. I discuss with my T those things I'm still processing, and I need...

I had meant couples therapy but with someone who specialized with PTSD. When he ignores me it's hard not to feel that he doesn't value our relationship enough to do that.

That's a big thing for me too. He says he values that I have tried so hard to learn and work on this, but he doesn't act like he appreciates it very much. I just need to learn that when he's pulling away to focus, it's not personal.

 

[Esterio]

As far as I understand from him, he needs to focus during this time to get his thoughts together and un...

thanks for the post knj.
I really feel for you and your suffer. Extreme is what this PTSD is one minute it is this way and then it is that. I don't have any idea why it is I think it is the flight in me and the not wanting any confrontation or the perceived confrontation. Its is most likely all in my head. F*** I want it out of there. I don't think there is any predicting what I'm going to do next other than you know that some actions are with out any thought about consequences, more it is an impulse.
You do need to make sure that you look after you. Try to be good to yourself so you are able to continue. I don't think you should let it destroy, you should be careful and you do need boundaries. Love has a very strong urge to over look which is a good thing and a bad thing be aware.
It seem to me your heart is in the right place so I hope you can get through all of this. It is One Day At A Time.I don't think that anything that happened between my wife and myself was personal it was PTSD simple. At least that is the only way I see it. I left before I lost control and did something I would regret later. Now the thing I regret is leaving. That part is over now and nothing I can do to change it. One day I would like to write to my ex wife and try to explain. I don't know if that will ever happen as I still can not explain it to myself.

 

[knj2015]

thanks for the post knj.
I really feel for you and your suffer. Extreme is what this PTSD is one min...

That all makes sense. He says one day at a time...all the time :) I know he would regret leaving. He's told me before. He's very bad at confrontation. As a result, he has barely seen his kids since his divorce. His ex is very emotionally abusive and he has learned to just go along rather than fight her. It's so sad really what he...you must being going through inside. I wish there were something that could take it all away.
I hope one day you could talk to your wife again. Have you thought of writing the letter. Not sending it but getting it out on paper. I've heard that it helps.

 

[grimalkin]

I've found my soon-to-be-ex has a very hard time with making decisions. He is willing to go along with whatever, just to not make the decision, then blame me for the outcome if it turned out to be not what he wanted. Ironically, he also has to be in control.

So basically, I'm beginning to wonder if his relationship with me wasn't just filled with trigger after trigger that he fought as long as he could.

He wasn't wishy washy about his commitment to me, however, until his stress cup drowned in a lake, and now, he "has" to run, commitment be damned.

He is also not wishy washy about definitely NOT wanting therapy. It won't happen until he feels safe enough to do it. Considering he's making plans for travelling overseas for extended periods, he plans on running for a long time.

C-PTSD is proving to be beyond anything I knew about before, even with a bit of a background in mental health (I never really delved that deeply into it before).

 

[Seeking]

If I may add, my retired combat vet who is THE MAN to everyone he encounters. His family (children especially, friends, coworkers everyone views him to be the strong, no nonsense man. In the middle of a disagreement and me challenging him about why he was acting a certain way, he blurted out how he's on prozac several times a day and he wanted no one to know. I immediately said, I'm your woman, you can share anything with me, I'm not going anywhere. He then said he wanted NO ONE to know including me. It's such a weighing transition for him and others I'm learning. As a nuturer, I just want to be there and support but I'm realizing that's not always best.

 

[Esterio]

That all makes sense. He says one day at a time...all the time :) I know he would regret leaving. He...

Thanks for the post. It is what it is. your suffer sound similar to me he is trying to say away from any conflict at all. To others it my seem small but to me they are huge. I haven't been able to as of yet because I don;t think I could get her to understand me. Goes back to speaking the Language of PTSD. Those who are not there can't understand what it is no matter how hard you try to tell them or try to get it straight. Like you seem to understand more than most of what I am saying as you are living it so what I am saying tends to make some sense to you. Or it seems that way from your response to me. I will think about trying to write that letter though it maybe good for me to try. I will get it started anyway. Thanks for the idea. I just think it may help her understand why I had to leave. that is sad that his ex is well the way she is. It must hurt that he can't have anything to do with his kids thats sad. How many kids does he have? Marriage break up is the hardest on kids and the one that looses there ability to be there. I don't know if I told you before I suffer cPtSD.
Peace be safe

 

[knj2015]

I've found my soon-to-be-ex has a very hard time with making decisions. He is willing to go along wit...

I'm sorry to hear that. I know my bf had talked before about asking to be deployed just to get away from it all. I'm not even sure if it works that way. Ironically, his unit got orders to deploy in May. When he's not overwhelmed, he's good about trying to communicate with me. But it just seems he keeps getting one blow after another of bad news or bad things happening to him. Honestly, some of the things he is dealing with he brought on himself. But, there are things like a suicide of a grade-schooler that happened a few months ago and he was down and withdrawn all day from it. I felt he didn't even know this person or their family and he had enough things in his life to let that bring him down too. Maybe I'm just cold-hearted.

 

[knj2015]

Thanks for the post. It is what it is. your suffer sound similar to me he is trying to say away from an...

Thank-you for all of your responses. I know this isn't the same but I remember a situation that was very painful to me. Nothing related to PTSD. I was so hurt and angry so I wrote this letter. I think it ended up being 3 pages single spaced. I remember bawling the entire time. When I wrote it, I intended to send it. I never did and I never re-read it because it was too painful. It was almost like I left some of the pain in that letter. Now, I'm not sure it works that way for everybody. I do know that many of the therapists that I've gone to recommend that I write. I don't do it normally, but I should.

He does hurt that he can't see them. He has 2 kids. It doesn't help that his ex tells them lies about him and me too. So I am not to be around them ever. I'm sure she has to be a huge trigger for him but to be around his kids, he has to deal with her. :-/

I was not aware of your diagnosis. You said you were trying therapy again. I know it can be difficult. I really hope it helps for you :)