Worried About T's Suggestion Of Emdr & Hypnosis

[Powder]

Another question I have is about peripheral vision. Is there a relationship to that and EMDR?

I have noticed that my hyperarousal is most noticeable when I see something in the visual field in my peripheral vision. This is where I startle most easily. For example, recently, I has blow drying my own hair and saw my dark hair in my right peripheral vision. I had a huge startle response to the dark, amorphous shape, even though I "knew" it was probably my hair I was seeing. This seemed really bizarre to me. Basically, the lack of focus in my peripheral vision has the power to startle part of me while most of me knows exactly what it is and not to be afraid of it.

Frankly, most of the hyperarousal that I have experienced with sort of "knee-jerk" startle responses REQUIRED peripheral vision to be stimulated. What is that about and is that something I should tell my T. before using EMDR?

Is this common with PTSD or is it particular to individuals?

 

[macca]

Good question @Muse - my peripheral vision is doing similar stuff. I was told that when we are hyperaroused, our peripheral vision is more active, monitoring for threat, so it's supposedly the PTSD, but I'd be glad of others' input as well, and how it relates to EMDR.

 

[Abstract]

Muse, apparently it is a sign of extremely high anxiety and can be found in any anxiety related disorder or state. It has a name but I can't remember it.

I am no expert when it comes to EMDR so don't take my word for it but can't see why it would be relevant.

 

[Powder]

Thanks, Macca and Abstract!

It was very freaky. I admit that while the blow dryer is going, I get huge anxiety because I can't hear anyone who could sneak up on me. I hate my hyperarousal, how my family members walk in too fast and I go into fight mode and yell. I will even start to swing my arms sometimes before I realize what's happening. :( I haven't hurt anyone, and actually feel that I look like an octopus from Monsters Inc. rather than a karate master. ;)

So, maybe my peripheral vision perception centers of the brain go into hyperarousal to offset the lose of hearing. I don't do it on purpose. But this is really annoying.

I mean come on, I jumped and my heart raced when I basically saw too clearly my own hair brush while brushing my hair! Jeez!

Okay, I like your explanation and agree. Why is my anxiety so high getting ready for work in the morning? Hmmm. I guess maybe because I was always attacked at home and so I still need to work on seeing this home as a different home with my child parts who still don't realize that.

Maybe the caffeine I drink each AM before getting ready plays a role. My T. says it can kick up anxiety. (NOOOO!!! I need my coffee!!!) ;)

 

[Powder]

I'm finding I'm scared about that too! I don't like the idea of not being in control of what might come up. She tried an imagery exercise, and I tried so hard, but just could not imagine myself responding differently. I might have tried to do one that was too difficult first up maybe. Has anyone else tried hypnosis or imagery for this type of thing?

You hit my phobia of traumatic memory very well here. I think you are very brave and must have healed enough to know that it will be okay, that you can handle it, and that you are not alone with it.

I think we just take those steps when we can. It's like walking in the dark holding the T's hand and having to trust that we won't fall or trip.
As we heal, the light begins to come on, and in the gloom, we begin to see the real work we are doing and understand it. Our mind is no longer a dark minefield, but a map-able landscape at dawn. Sometimes it is totally dark again, but I hope after all this work is done, the day will dawn and I will no longer be so afraid of my own mind.

 

[macca]

Thanks everyone. I see my therapist tomorrow, so I'm going in with some questions about how the whole process works, and what might come up. If I'm still too scared, I think I'll wait a bit longer perhaps before I consider doing EMDR and especially hypnosis, unless she is miraculously able to talk me into it. Thinking about that last session using the imagery - I could kind of go there visually, but could not connect with any emotion, even though I knew what I experienced during that incident. That might be part of the problem - I am terrified of the emotions. Maybe that's why I had trouble connecting to them, and certainly altering them. The incident I went to in the imagery exercise didn't cause my PTSD, but put yet another "layer" over the core trauma, if that makes sense. I'll ask her about @Abstract 's idea of using something more recent for imagery - I think that might help. :) Unless I get in there and just lose the plot again, as can happen :banghead:

 

[Powder]

My T. says that it's crucial to start any of the therapies with positive memories so to learn how to work the steps in a fun, positive way before applying them steps to difficult emotionally laden memories. She says to work from the least bothersome to the most, in that order.

Another thing, Macca. Do you know much about structural dissociation? If that is involved, there is an "observing" part who recalls traumatic (or subsequent negative) events as an observed without affect (none of the feelings involved). Sometimes, memory mediated by the observer part is also confusing because you can't be sure WHO the event happened to.

I hope some of this helps.

 

[macca]

Thanks Muse, and everybody.

Muse, I don't know much about structural dissociation (but I've learnt a little from some of your posts!), but I do know when I finally "told" someone my deep dark secret (my T) I had panic attacks and flashbacks, and the strong feeling that "he" (whoever that is) would now come and kill me, and "saw" him coming for me in flashbacks, sneaking in my room. I distinctly remember kind of talking to myself as panic was escalating in one instance, telling myself I was "grown up" now, and that "he" was probably dead by now, and if not, that he did not know anything about me anymore, or where I was, and that he was probably too old to hurt me, and that my husband would protect me, and so on. During this patch I did not recognise my own reflection in the mirror, it scared me. I wonder if I have a frightened and hurt 3 year old in there. I also had a dream at that point, where I dreamt I was given two dolls that were me at 3 or 4 years old, and having a terrifying nightmare in which one of them "woke up" and started talking. That completed freaked me out. It's funny though, because the other "doll" was in "black and white", not "colour" like the one who woke up, and the "black & white" one was "dead" but "not dead" at the same time, and I was not afraid of her because I knew she would never wake up, or talk, again. That's so weird right? It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm also afraid of what the observer part might tell me - what might come up that I've managed to bury.

I did have discussion with my T today - she has convinced me to have a go at EMDR, and maybe hypnosis, but leaving hypnosis on the backburner for now. She is not rushing me, which is good. I am conscious though of having had quite a few sessions with her now and still not processing any trauma (and there seems to be a fair bit to do). The time has been spent mainly on me telling her bits and pieces, gradually, and managing strong urges to self-harm (trying to prevent emotional flashbacks), managing my intense fear and avoidance of emotions and memories, managing triggers etc. I guess this is probably all important though, because I can't start processing trauma if I'm going to be ruined in the attempt. I'm realising just how avoidant I am.

 

[Powder]

Your dream is just like the one's I had been having, too. Same themes. Buried/hidden dolls representing a child part. Also that child parts long buried are not "talking" to me.

I am trained enough to say what level or kind of dissociation you have, but according to the book I'm reading, that would be considered structural. Pretty much any actual childhood trauma is structural, and also adult trauma in some cases, too.

It sounds like you are healing and doing the work correctly. I think you're doing really well. All your thoughts, images, and ideas sound correct and part of integration to me. Keep going. It gets better!

And I'm not at the point at which I could recommend or warn against either of your T's suggestions. I think being careful to pace yourself is wise. If you want to press on, then your avoidance will be overcome by desire to push for more when you've had success and feel better from what you've already processed and integrated. It takes time to recognize and actually see results.

Therapy feels a lot like fitness and dieting to me; it's so much work and sacrifice, and the results, even after they have been hard won, are more obvious to others than to me.

 

[macca]

Thanks @Muse - I had been feeling quite weird about that dream, and I'm sorry to hear you've had similar, but I'm relieved at the same time that I'm not the only one!

results, even after they have been hard won, are more obvious to others than to me.

Yes, I'm not noticing all that much, but my husband seems to think I'm doing a little better.

I think being careful to pace yourself is wise.

I am definitely going to pace myself! No good being in a hurry and making myself worse. And I probably should put some thought into why I'd want to hurry in the first place, because I'm also very avoidant - a strange mix.

 

[Powder]

My dreams were so similar that it can't be that much a coincidence. I had one in which "future me" in the form of an old woman who knew she didn't have long to live had given away her childhood doll to me for safekeeping when I was a kid. I had "buried" it (along with a lot of other stuff) in a large Victorian mansion. It was completely underground.

I had to get volunteers to come excavate the whole home and find it. I gave it to her.

In another dream, I had to try to keep non-verbal black and white half-dog, half-men (black dog, white man/ black man/white dog) creatures locked behind doors with my mind.

I definitely see these as the subconscious symbols of traumatic amnesia and the maintenance of the structural dissociation of those memories. Dynamically, maybe the dream represent a kind of semi-conscious negotiation in which we decide what to continue to avoid and what we are ready to remember and process.

There is some kind of internal pacing that is like the body's own healing wisdom. It can feel good to "trust" the inner healing process. Sometimes it is not easy, as you said, when trying to manage the avoidance plus the motivation to process, integrate, and heal.

I respect the work you are doing.

 

[macca]

Well, my T knows about the dream, and she has mentioned something about "inner child" work or something like that, so maybe that's where we look at that stuff further. Muse, you sound like you've worked really hard in therapy!