Dom Violence Would You Say Anything?

[anonymous]

I know someone who is abusive to their child, would you say anything? Would you still say something if you thought that person could hurt you?

 

[Deleted member 31998]

Siempre. I myself am a social worker and beyond obligation, it is basic human rights and decency.

 

[Riot]

Depending on where you live, it may be your legal obligation to report it if you're aware of it.

 

[Enaila]

Yes, yes and yes. A child can't protect himself. If you are in the U S, you can report anonymously and should report as soon as you can. I am a public employee and legally mandated to report suspected or known abuse. It is better to be safe rather than sorry.

If you have been on this site long, you will know about the trauma child abuse has caused. Many of those with ptsd have it from abusive childhoods. Save the child please.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Yes, to authorities anonymously is what I would do.

 

[Naoru]

Maybe you can anonymously report?

 

[mamachick]

I think your question is not specific enough to answer thoroughly. I believe that I would report it regardless of harm that could be done to me, all things need considered.
Know someone who is abusive to their child. 1. How are they abusive, (mentally, physically, sexually)
2. How do you know this, (saw with own eyes, someone told you, strong suspiciion, child told you, etc.)
3. How old is child? What is situation?
4. How can this person hurt you

I ask these things because our opinions of abuse vary significantly. Secondly, we often have strong suspicions and fill in blanks, or sometimes another person passed information on. While CPS has to investigate all reports that are credible, they also know there is revenge reporting and if they don't find abuse time after time, they often take it less serious and spend time on other reports, leaving a child behind. So its really important to have all the facts.

If abuse is found to occurred and child is removed from home, they are often placed in foster care, which is a real crap shoot. Many foster homes are abusive in some form as well. Some do this just for money. It is not always good outcome.

I ask lastly how this person can hurt you, as that can mean anything from loss of job to death or harming your own child in some way. It is an important consideration. I personally cannot think of a situation that would prevent me from reporting, but am sure there are. There is suppose to be some confidentiality in reporting but that does not always work, again, depending on your knowledge.

It seems that you are concerned about this and am glad that you are asking others. That takes courage when you are uncertain as to what to do.

 

[Friday]

Having been in that situation a few times... It depends very much on the individual situation. Sometimes, yes, I did. Sometimes, no, I did not.

 

[Suzetig]

It depends on lots of things for me. How old the child is, eg are they old enough to talk about what's happening, to say whether they want it reported. What's actually happening that's abusive, can it be evidenced in some way, if so how? Does the person realise what they're doing is abusive - that you think they could harm you suggests they do know or at least can be fairly harmful. I'd also think about the wider supports for the child, eg is anyone likely to stick around for them.

All complicated questions and not easily answered. I'm a social worker and have done jobs where I've had a duty to report and ones where I could offer confidentiality - both had their challenges for different reasons. I guess it comes down to what you're able to live with both in terms of what you know about the child but also how safe you feel. I'm not terribly trusting of anonymous reporting keeping the person reporting safe because it's harder to take an anonymous report and follow it up properly (eg if the child says everything is fine, you've no way of challenging that because the person who reported isn't available to back up their report) and the person who's been reported often works out who it was anyway, and can make your life hell.

If you were going to report I'd make it clear that you were concerned for your own safety and why, and ask about support or protection they can put in place. generally if people aren't safe for adults to be around, they're not safe for kids either.

 

[shimmerz]

Although a lot of these answers are technically correct I don't think they are based in reality.
Because of this:

Would you still say something if you thought that person could hurt you?

It's true, there needs to be more information in this posting. What is your relationship to the abuser? How can they hurt you? How deeply? Can that hurting change your life?

Having been an abused child myself, of course my answer would be yes. Report the bastard.

The problem is this:
1. Abusers are liars and can (and probably will) turn the accusations against you and it becomes a 'he said/she said' situation.
2. I have reported (several times). I even reported myself when I was being accused of being abusive, begged them to come to the house and see what was going on. Nothing. They did nothing. That made me a HUGE target in the house and within the extended family.
3. As far as it being anonymous. lol. Not.
4. Abusers do NOT take responsibility for their abusive actions. Ever. So the ensuing spin out will possibly - no - probably trigger off fits of violence, rage, acting out against the child, yourself, or anyone else that may be 'handy'.

I did eventually handle the situation by going to a women's outreach centre. I told my story and that made 'them' responsible for reporting. That is maybe your safest way of divulging the information. Be careful to make the information generic. If there is a situation where only you were a witness, then it will be obvious to the abuser that you are the one who told.

I suffered PTSD, was stalked, harassed for 2 years, terrorized, and my life was literally destroyed because I reported. It would be much more helpful if the system that is meant to protect children actually did. In my experience, it was a ton of grief for me and the children were never kept safe.

 

[scout86]

Yes to all those questions, EXCEPT if I was pretty sure "the system" wasn't actually going to help the kid. In that case, there's a chance reporting might actually make things worse for them. Sometimes, there's no way to know. I'd tend to err on the side of reporting.

 

[mamachick]

Like Suzetig, I am also a mandated reporter and the question sounds like a no brainer but as others have all added, it clearly is not that simple of a question. I have strongly suspected a family member when she was a teen. I fully trusted my gut!!!! I had no proof and all I could do was keep my own small children away. When she was an adult, I strongly suspected she was abusing her own children in different ways, first with neglect due to drug abuse, but did not believe she had the patience. A combination of reasoning and gut feeling told me she was abusing her children. I considered reporting, but when it came to nuts and bolts, I had no proof of nothing. Years later, she confessed some of it to me. I say-always trust your gut, pay attention, and you can help more by intervening sometimes if things escalate, than telling all that you know or think you know.

I think the combination of answers have addressed most of the issue's in reporting. Sometimes abusers get smarter and more clever and prepared after being reported if they are not found guilty or unfit. The system is broke, like many other systems we have, at least in the US.

@shimmerz-I am so sorry for all that you have been through. A very high price for your good attempt to help the children where the system failed.

Even places such as womens shelters who report are not necessarily taken as credible, as it is often hearsay, and rightfully so. They do not usually have any forensic experts to talk to kids, and have been more harm than good when their advocates attempt to extract information from a child. There has been a trend of women accusing the father of sexual abuse to prevent any visitation and as punishment.

Annonymous, I hope some of the posts have been helpful. I am here if you would like to share more, and Im certain others are as well. This is a heavy burden for anyone to carry, at least in my opinion.