Dom Violence Would You Say Anything?

[sedna]

Like Suzetig, I am also a mandated reporter and the question sounds like a no brainer but as others have...

I very much agree with your answer. I've been in this situation myself and felt the need to spy on the family involved for a while to be sure, I was worried that a false accusation would create hardship for the family ( because the mother was illegal immigrant and also left her under age children home alone to work everyday ) and also afraid if nothing came of it, but I was right any abuse would get worse. It's a very stressful situation. It's also easy to project your own fears and memories onto it which clouds judgement.

In my case I'm glad to be able to say I was wrong, and everything turned out fine.

 

[mamachick]

@Coco-I am also glad you were wrong and paused before reporting. Also- leaving your children home alone or in the car while you work is considered abuse as far as the system goes (depending on age). That is such a good example because even at that, they child may be much more loved and cared for than in foster care.

When my daughter was 6 and her father lived in the same city, I worked in the lobby of a hospital and worked weekends. He would want visitation on Saturday or Sunday but pump her for information and get mad and drop her at my job. There was a playroom off the lobby and I would have to keep her there. The security guards knew the situation (no fault of own). I would be on eggshells because if a nursing supervisor found out, I would be in big trouble. She would hang at my desk awhile but knew to go back in play room if anybody came. This only lasted few months til he moved away. Moms have to do things they dont want to sometimes. I have heard of moms leaving kids hid in car in parking lot of convenient store while they work. Parents that are abused and in poverty do not make the best decisions but I do understand.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I would if it was physical or sexual abuse, and if it was physical, only if it left marks.

As a kid, I didn't want anyone to report it because I knew I would go into the foster system again, which is worse.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I know someone who is abusive to their child, would you say anything? Would you still say something i...

I watch so many people day after day verbally abusing kids and where I live there are hordes of prostitutes who do not treat their kids right. I would literally have to play police every day and since I am not an officer I can not do that.

Even at my workplace we are not even allowed to say anything if we witness questionable behavior. Naturally, if one would witness crass physical or mental abuse one would step in.

But the opinions go far what consists of abuse, I bet teachers know about that all too well.

And then I also witness kids abusing other kids. Like I said, I would have to spend all of my time parenting kids and parents, where do you draw the line?

 

[mamachick]

Some days it seems that all I see is ignorance. I do know what you mean about saying something about blatant abuse and that you would just have to speak up. I have a situation right now that I think I just need to remove myself from because I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. This is what it is and I would appreciate others sincere feedback.

A 40 yr old mother lives with her boyfriend of 7 yrs and 14 yr old daughter. The daughter was running the streets and was sent away to a rehab facility for assaulting another girl and drugs and alcohol use, and just returned to her mother within the past month. The girl is a lesbian and dresses like a boy, is wearing a tux to the homecoming etc. The mother is bi polar and does not handle criticism. She has been working a full time job for the past year, but not worked much of her life. The mothers boyfriend is lazy and has no job, never has had one, but has been in the hospital for over a week.

1.)I just learned that Friday night, the mom allowed another 14 yr old girl to stay all night so she could stay at the hospital with her boyfriend. The girl has hickeys on her neck. She is on juvenile probation. Even though this girl has told her mother that she is a lesbian for the past 2 yrs, she continuously has sleep overs with other girls, but this time, specifically so the mother could stay at the hospital with this 40 yr old baby boyfriend.

2.) Some 70 yr old man that is friends with another 14 yr old grandma, took this 14 yr old and another 14 yr old to the mall and spent about $500 on each of them for the homecoming, one a tuxedo and the other a dress and both shoes. He also provides both of these girls with cell phone with unlimited minutes.

I expressed concern about the man to the mother of the 14 yr old and she says she met him and he is fine, and since her daughter is so tough, she would not allow him to do anything to her. I told the mother that while he may not do anything directly, there are pervs that would like to see 2 girls and might provide alcohol and or drugs. She insists that he is just a lonely old man with money. At very least, he is putting himself in a very inappropriate situation so why would he take such risks. Maybe I just don't believe anyone is so damn kind for no reason. If I push the issues, I know the mother will just assure that I don't get further information. Maybe thats what is needed since I must be crazy as bat shit here right?

 

[Freedomfighter]

Some days it seems that all I see is ignorance. I do know what you mean about saying something about blat...

O.k., that is all just so sick, I could not deal with that. I think if I were to witness that my brain would just go on shutdown.

I do not know how to formulate this but here in the US there are many people who turn sexuality into perverseness.
Whenever I see males and females from my home country that are either bi, or prefer their own gender, these people seem like they totally and freely accept themselves, there is nothing fake about them at all, and they very innocently accept this kind of sexuality and then one just knows: there is nothing wrong with this person, just a different preference. I noticed that tonight, saw a person from my home country who is either bi or gay and one can just tell that person was just a normal human being, refreshingly innocent and just so totally accepting of his sexuality that no one could possibly find anything wrong with it. With a person like that, despite different sexual preference, I could easily communicate with, just a joyful human being that is totally accepting of himself.

Fast forward to a day here in the US: it is very different here, the people here who have different preferences seem perverted, insincere, concocted, and often mentally perverted. I don't know how to explain it.

 

[Sideways]

@Mafia_Science

First, I think your concern is justified. Seeing a 70 year old man display what could easily be interpreted as grooming behaviour on a 14 year old girl? I'd be concerned. But beyond concern, my options are limited.

Mum wants to be there for boyf in hospital, doesn't want her 14 year old to be alone. Could be interpreted as a good thing?

14 year old girl likes having friends sleep over? We did sleepovers all the time without parents around when I was that age (sure, 20 years ago now). Nothing came of it but a good time. The fact that this girl is bi? Doesn't actually mean she shouldn't be having sleepovers. Being bi doesn't mean that she necessarily wants to sleep with every girl she comes across.

Wearing a tux to her homecoming? Pretty harmless self-espression. Some would argue that not wanting to dress like Barbie is a strength in a 14 year old.

The mum has a mental health condition which has prevented her from working for much of her life. Doesn't make her an unfit mother.

Your concern, I think, is warranted. But the warning signs could easily be interpetted as a good thing.

Have you got a course of action you're thinking of? My experience is that telling any mother "You're doing a shit job of being a mum" doesn't tend to go down too well...

 

[aut555]

Although a lot of these answers are technically correct I don't think they are based in reality.
Becau...

You speak the truth that people need to hear

 

[mamachick]

@ragdoll,
Thanks for replying. She is not bi, she is a lesbian. She told her mother that she had sex with one boy over a yr ago while high and it verified her sexuality. She was molested by grandfather when 3 and evidently has no memory. He older sister, mentally challenged was also molested and is now 19 and a prostitute. These kids have seen too much and had way too much freedom due to parents addiction and not being present. I love this little girl and couldn't care less what her sexual preferences are. When her mom told me that she is lesbian, about 2 yrs ago, I never flinched. It is very matter of fact to me. I have absolutely no problem with the tux or her boy haircuts and clothes, only mentioned tux because who in the heck buys a tux when you are not even related as I pointed out in the scenario. I did help mom think future scenarios through though. One being that sleep overs are probably not a good idea until she is much older. She has a very strong personality and I could see her coercing other girls into behaviors. Other parents have ban her, believing she has swayed their daughters into sexual/drug/alcohol behaviors. This does not help her self esteem or reputation. She has experimented with some serious drugs, and her probation officer told me that she was afraid she will end up dead if she continues to have such freedoms. My anxiety is sky high as of course I can't tell mom she is doing a shit job, but have no plans of action.

@Freedomfighter, thank you for your response. I am not sure of your position on this. I read your post over and am sure you are clear, I am just overwhelmed with this and much more right now. I don't know if what I stated above to ragdoll explains it better.

I grew up in the 70's and sleep overs were common. Nothing bad was going to happen at my house due to strict parents, or at least nothing much. However, our choice was often other kids house to stay at, those whose parents were not home, out on Saturday nights themselves. There was potential for trouble but nothing bad really happened. Most was ok, except for a friends perverted step dad who attempted grooming, supplying alcohol while his wife worked midnight shift. Once I felt that, I avoided her house unless in groups, but some did not, and step father was able to groom and did have sex with some of her friends. As an adult, my niece told me of sexual assault by her best friends dad who was her baseball coach as well-during overnight stays.

I realize that I am being very critical of how mom is parenting. She is legitimately overwhelmed with responsibility. I don't want to add to that. I am in fear that when the road is too open and wide, she will take the wrong one path again. My fear are her being sent away again, and other places being worse, and of course drug overdose. Which is also my concern with this 70 yr old man. At very least, it seems inappropriate.

God forgive my dirty thoughts if there are really any such good samaritans, such as an old man with money that never had children and giving these girls material things that their parent cannot afford brings him some kind of innocent happiness. I have considered making an attempt to meet him somehow, to let him know that someone else is looking out for these kids. It is very hard for me to believe this to be an innocent act of kindness.

I appreciate your responses. Maybe I am just venting here because it does not seem as though there is anything that I can do to change the situation or intervene at this point. I appreciate any input , advice, suggestions, viewpoints that I many not be seeing. I am feeling so ineffective in every aspect of my life right now, so am practicing the serenity prayer.

 

[Sideways]

@brat17 - I get it. The desperate need to try, try Anything, that will stop one more innocent kid ending up where we are. I know the feeling, but I don't know the right way to respond.

I do know that 14 is right when your brain is starting to develop your own self-concept, distinct from the one you learned from your parents. Kids need to be allowed to do that, and they will often start challenging all of the rules, boundaries, and values they get from their parents as part of that process. The challenge is to allow them to do that, while keeping them as safe and loved and cared for as possible.

I guess in an ideal world, mum would sit down with her daughter and talk through the sleepover. Address the risks of certain behaviours, put in guidelines to keep the situation safe, but ultimately allow her daight to make the decision, learn from it, and be there for her if it goes belly up.

How we, as witnesses, help that process happen safely? I really have no idea.

But the torture of watching potential victims unfold in front of us? I know that well.

 

[mamachick]

You are right Ragdoll, we sure can't protect them forever. This thread was originally about undisputed abuse. When I think of this situation, it is clearly not the case. I just so much want to prevent something that I have no power over, and do know that. It is just very hard to watch. We do not all have the same skills and abilities, and I do understand that mom is really taxed hard right now, and has always been for that matter. We can try to be there if things do fall apart, and that is about it. Thank you for your post. I know there is no magic here.