X-ray Shows Old Trauma; Reason For Pain - Md Confirms

[shell]

Thank you, shell, for taking the time to reply.

I had a mild trigger reading your post. Yes, it is something when a medical image reveals the injuries, isn't it? I suppose the "validation' part might be a good aspect. But I found myself having an imaginary dialogue with siblings as I drove home just now. I was telling them what the doc/x-ray found... Then asking what (the hell) did they do to me?

shell, if you'd like to discuss your injuries (and their symptoms/net emotional residue) at greater length, please feel free to do so. This thread is wide open. BTW, I had neurosurgery on my lumbar spine last June; blown disks.

James I had the same reaction reading your post, for me its a very painfully subject, although I hadn't realized just how much until I started typing this reply, I can't stop shaking as I write this. For me this is how it all started, I had ignored my past, I had erased just about all my childhood abuse, and then I was sent for a ct scan because for over 15 years I kept getting constant sinus infections and couldn't breath through my nose. The scan revealed a badly broken nose, that hadn't healed and had grown in the wrong direction as it re-knitted.

The problems began when the doctor questioning me over and over again, wanting to know how it happened, and why I hadn't got it fixed. He had obviously noticed something odd about my reaction, as it certainly wasn't what I was expecting from the scan. Since October 2010, the flood gates have opened and now I can't avoid all the memories I avoided for so long. If only I hadn't gone for the scan this wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't be in the mess I am now. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

 

[James B.]

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I know what you mean, shell. In this case, think this stuff happened mostly before age 6. I was molested by my brother age 4, he was six years older. So much of these earliest years had damaging effects, and hardly any memory. Honestly, I sort of maybe had an idea, or was wondering. And then, went in to get the x-ray results and have an acupuncture session, my doc says something like "James, I don't know you very well, but..."

If only I hadn't gone for the scan this wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't be in the mess I am now.

My hunch is that, for a lot of us, this stuff may be somewhat inevitable. By age 30, my trauma was overflowing, along with the stress cup. It amazes my how determined I was to try and live a normal life, yet had no idea I was really carrying around elephant size stress. I suffered from bulimia on and off for about ten years. Starting therapy helped release the plague of that one, pretty much right away. It never came back.

This told me something about the effect of keeping the family secret, and of growing up in an upside down environment. Deep in my mind is a mortal fear of my family.

I had ignored my past, I had erased just about all my childhood abuse

This may seem disjointed, I want to write it as it comes up: the guilt my brothers inflicted on themselves by seriously abusing my sister and I (and her abuse went well into later adulthood) reflected in their need to keep a permanent bend in their minds toward us. They had to further scapegoat and minimize us as the laughing stock, or the reality of they'd done might creep into their consciousness.

This time, I believe I may be on firm ground. And be able to present a legal reason - if need be - to protect myself against contact from my remaining siblings. They have formerly found ways to insinuate themselves into my life at destructive intervals. And, as I have made it clear that contacting me was forbidden - and had been for years - their efforts and intentions became all the more clear.

They were 'daddies boys' and daddy needed a scapegoat to deflect/distract the family from his psychosis and rage issues. He needed scapegoats to have a finger to point to. He was a predator or near predator, and my brothers were forever united in their idealistic dream world defense of ours as "the healthy family".

Fine, they can live their version of "the dream" and I'll live mine. I just never want to see them (or my sister) again.

 

[shell]

My hunch is that, for a lot of us, this stuff may be somewhat inevitable. By age 30, my trauma was overflowing, along with the stress cup. It amazes my how determined I was to try and live a normal life, yet had no idea I was really carrying around elephant size stress. I suffered from bulimia on and off for about ten years. Starting therapy helped release the plague of that one, pretty much right away. It never came back.

This told me something about the effect of keeping the family secret, and of growing up in an upside down environment. Deep in my mind is a mortal fear of my family.

Fine, they can live their version of "the dream" and I'll live mine. I just never want to see them (or my sister) again.

I guess your right, looking back I can see the signs were there at 14, the constant nightmares, avoidance etc were happening while the abuse was still happening. Its resurfaced along the way each time there was a crisis in my life, but then went away as I refused to think about how stressed I really was. But the stress was out of proportion to the crisis, and I coped by eating and drinking.

Sometimes I think it would be easier not to have contact with my family, but having contact with my brother is very important to me, we were both victims and we are a great support for each other. He is the one person who truly understands, I know I can tell him anything and after not having had contact for over 7 years, I realized how great it is having him back in my life in the last month. It seems that we are both still keeping the family secret, only this time it's from our parents, I haven't told them I have problems, as far as I concerned they have no right to know about my private life, they lost that right a long time ago. I have very limited contact, and that's the way I need it, as you say the fear never goes, and even though they changed nothing else really changes.

 

[James B.]

Sometimes these emotions are like a dark lonely walk on a crisp fall eve; faint music in the distance, trace of sunset on the horizon. Breeze moves through tree branches overhead, dry leaves blow across the sidewalk. And I walk on...

but having contact with my brother is very important to me, we were both victims and we are a great support for each other. He is the one person who truly understands

Yes, shell. That sounds like a good thing. My sister was also abused. However, as a kid, she is the one who initiated the games that resulted in my injuries. Including my first major head injury, by letting my stroller roll down the hill, through a gate, dumping me on my head in the driveway. I was told that story the whole time I was growing up, or until about age 12/13. My sister carries guilt. It is evident in her problems communicating with me. tried to work with her on this, didn't work. Many years of trying! Gave up.

they lost that right a long time ago

This is exactly how I feel too. Shell, you are lucky to have your brother and I think your ideas about privacy are very wise as well.

 

[James B.]

I've been trying to write this next post for a while, but it brings up emotions, so it's taken me a while. I have mostly blurry memories of being told the stories of my injuries, by my siblings. There seems to be three major events that I was told about, I think.

One of them is the story of being dropped on my head, by unlatching the railing on my crib, sending me to the floor on my head, of course. This story was told to me with much hilarity and humor, when I was too young to realize what was going on. My three siblings gathered around, my one brother relating the story, and the injuries it caused, while my other brother and sister are in stitches laughing about it - guess it was just the funniest thing, to them.

I recall, often with an emotional response, that I started laughing along with them. laughing along with those who harmed me. I guess there isn't anything more self-negating than enjoying the stories of my own abuse.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sounds like it was easier to go along with it to 'keep the peace', James.

"Survival", not choice.

Hugs, if that's ok, ((Hug))

 

[James B.]

Sure, I will gladly take a hug.

Am having a surprisingly hard time emotionally, relating to this memory or period of memories. It's like a flash, a blur of moments - time - I am sitting there, and everyone is laughing at me, and I get the joke - invalidated - and I laugh, too. Then I cry.

Avoided dealing with this one a while - not sure why it's so triggering. Deeply so.

 

[Kb3]

Hi James, congratulations on working through this, I hope that it brings you peace.

I just wanted to say that an injury that I sustained during a trauma also showed up on an x ray last year. I remember leaving the dr's office in a state of shock.

It took me a long time to get my head around it, but ultimately I found it validating, and it also gave me more information on how I could look after myself as well as possible going forward.

I hope that it was okay to write about this to you. I wish you all the best and am sending you warm thoughts and good vibes.

 

[intothelight]

(((James))),

Just realizing that someone else could hurt an innocent child (you) is mind boggling. Senseless cruelty is never to be taken lightly.

Sorry you hare hurting.

Deb

 

[James B.]

This is all so helpful, really. Thanks.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((James))))))

 

[James B.]

I am fine. Thanks.

The period of time in the above memories, must've been between the ages of four to six years old. I cannot remember exactly when, but I became an incest survivor during this period. So, there was problems and hazards with the siblings, a high degree of real violence and mayhem in the home. And I got molested, the net result being PTSD.