Years Later

[Tree23]

It's hard to understand why anything bad happens to anyone, especially when that someone is a small child. I spend hours on end every day for the past Year only thinking about what happened to me. Through my exams, through family gatherings, even sleep. I suppose the worst part is its not my fault.

Sleep where I thought I was safe is just another nightmare. I wake up randomly after a few hours just to think about what happened. I ask myself if I'm to blame or if I'm responsible. Guilt. It's always there for me, behind me.

My trauma really spawns from events when I was 7 and 10. Both instances of abuse have caused not only anxiety, but the biggest load of stress. I would give up anything just to forget about what happend to me for one day. Just one day of peace and tranquillity.

The suffering began when I first remembered what happened to me. My first thoughts were, "what have I done?". All I could think about is how I was going to go to hell and that I caused this to happen. That I was some sort of criminal. I don't know how my abusers made me feel that way. They took advantage of me, manipulated me and destroyed my childhood, yet I am the one that feels like a criminal. I don't know how an 11 year old or a 9 year old was able to be so cruel. To be so vile. That's the saddest part, they were just kids too.

I felt as if maybe justice is the best course of action. I became so obsessed with figuring out a way to bring them to court, to Say something but I knew that would make things worse. If my family knew, what would they think? What if I lost at court? Could I even manage seeing their faces again?

I suppose Im not ready yet to find out the answers to those questions.

 

[claire east]

It's hard to understand why anything bad happens to anyone, especI
Iially when that someone is a small chi...

I know that feeling I was 11 when my world changed I blamed myself for 25 years just accepting now Its not my fault I'm here if ya want to chat

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry for all of the pain you have suffered and endured at the hands of those who were supposed to love you and then forced you to blame yourself for so many years. I am relieved to know that you now know that you were innocent and who the real perps are. I wish you well on your recovery.

 

[Tree23]

I know that feeling I was 11 when my world changed I blamed myself for 25 years just accepting now...

Thank you. It means the a lot that you care.

 

[Tree23]

I am sorry for all of the pain you have suffered and endured at the hands of those who were supposed to l...

Thank you.

 

[Tree23]

Its been a while since i wrote here, but i wanted to keep track of things like this. These past months have been tiresome. I find it hard to do simple things, like commute without getting panic attacks. The world seems so vague to me and processing what i see in it seems impossible sometimes. I get lost so easily thinking about the abuse that came onto me when i was so young, as if i leave my body to think about what couldve been if it never happened. How id be so much more happier. How i wouldn't have to pretend to my friends out of fear of judgement. People that say go to therapy on here need to understand that some of us have internal embarrassment from these attacks. I feel guilty i let it happen to me. I feel 6 and 10 year old me fought back i'd have a different life right now.

I realize therapy is the best option for me, but getting to talk to anyone about this in person is brutal. It's like a horror movie to me. Watching the news, i see so many adults coming out about abuse against them. I want to be like them. I really do but its so scary. I used to research the law so hard, to find a way to bring a so called justice I believed would cure me. I would plan my entire argument against my abusers and imagined myself victorious at the end of the trials. But the truth is, that version of me is just behind closed doors. In reality i'm scared to go out because of the irrational fear that these abusers will find me again. The reality is that at the the end of it I was so scared to even pick up the phone and file a report, even if i was going to make it anonymous. This abuse is now 10 years old, but I know these memories wont fade the same as my youth did and that's what i find most upsetting. My youth is gone. Gone forever, but my memories of the abuse wont go with it.

 

[Tree23]

As soon as I woke the memories came flooding back. It was bad. Really bad. The worst I'd ever had as if I was reliving the memory again. I felt the sexual assault again and all I could do was vomit. The disgust comes towards many emotions. The fact that someone, especially such a young child could do this to me. The disgust of not fighting back. Maybe if fought and made noise I wouldn't be living like this now, in regret.

 

[Tree23]

It just doesn't want to go. As I lay trying to sleep, all I can think of is those memories. It's torture. It's painful. I feel like therapy is my only option but how does someone look someone in the eye and say they were sexually assaulted in there own school at the age of 7. How does someone have the courage to look at them again knowing how much pity they have for 'poor you're.