Relationship Yesterday Has Gone

[Sweetpea76]

If you try to talk to her, more than likely she'll just take it wrong and turn it back on you. I think all you can do is be as available as she'll allow, as stable as you can, and stay out of the drama. Staying out of the drama, as much as you can, is probably really important.

^^^ So much this...

If I had a nickel for every time I was the designated A-hole when my sufferer was symptomatic, I wouldn't be on here right now, I'd be on a beach in Fiji. There are times when I definitely keep my opinions to myself, because telling him would be like walking into a buzzsaw. When he is symptomatic, he tends to have lashing out behaviors. When he is feeling more himself, he is generally a very nice man, and would never speak rudely to me. I'm not sure why this is... I'm assuming he needs a lot more work with managing his stressors.

As a supporter, I handle this a few different ways. Firstly, like I said before, I tend to keep any kind of opposing opinions, deep conversations, earth shattering news, or criticisms to myself when he is symptomatic. I'm not saying that I suck every thing up forever... I'm saying that when he is very stressed and I know he isn't dealing well, I know it is not the time for deep conversations or anything that can possibly be construed as an argument. I think of those times as "emergency only" situations... like if it is important enough (an emergency) that it would justify a total meltdown from him, then that's when I'll bring it up. If not, it can wait. He'll eventually start to feel better and then we can talk.

Secondly, if he starts to get too rude with me, I leave. I remove myself from the situation and tell him that he can call me if he feels like having an adult conversation. I do not let things escalate, and I do not tolerate name calling or listening to the blame-game. If he wants to discuss problems in our relationship he can do it calmly and with the same respect for my feelings as I give him for his. Those are my boundaries.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I've learned not to take it too personally. That was the hardest part to "get." Of course you are going to feel attacked and angry when somebody blames you for every single problem in the entire world. But eventually it becomes pretty clear when it is the PTSD and not your sufferer. I would be a whole lot more concerned if my vet told me he thought I was to blame for XY and Z if he did it calmly when he was feeling well.

Is all of it fair? Hell no. It sucks, but so doesn't having PTSD. These are the kind of things you have to cope with as a couple until your sufferer can manage their stressors better. I'm sure if the situations were reversed, they would take care of us too.

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Sweetpea, Thanks for you your advice and kind words. I can take the abuse, I can try to avoid arguments, keep my mouth shut. Yes I realise it's the PYSD I love my wife dearly and want to help her get better. She has called time on the relationship, she wants a divorce. Her family are toxic as you can see from what I have written earlier. She is pushing to sell the house, she wants me out of her life, she doesn't trust me. I have said she can have the house in the divorce settlement and still she thinks I'm trying to rip her off. She is convinced I have done everything to alienate her family and won't accept it is them. I have been open and truthful to her and to what I have written in this thread. I am about to loose everything I hold dear in my life. Our home, being able to live with my daughter and most of all my lovely wife. Yes I know it's the PTSD but it's also her cognitive distortion that's affecting everything. I am fighting PTSD and her family. Of course I want to take care of her but she doesn't want me.

 

[Fire phill]

Hi, Today my lovely wife discloses that we might not have to divorce but we should still separate. Sell house live separate lives and see if her feelings are different. If things don't change we can go for divorce later. No offers of hope and I loose my assets. Not sure what to do.

 

[scout86]

I can't say that I'm sure what you should do either. But, it sounds like her reasoning is settling down a bit. You might just wait awhile and see what happens.

Has she explained to you how she sees it as making sense to wait on the divorce but sell the house?

Something that helps ME when I'm having an episode where I'm panicked and not thinking clearly is to slow down, follow the thought process one step at a time, and see where it ends up. Usually it "ends up" as not being an actual solution to the perceived problem. But someone can't just TELL me that. All they can do is try to encourage me to slow down and look at things in a stepwise fashion, and see things for myself. If they try to tell me what to think, that's just going to come across as another part of "the grand conspiracy"..

In your case, from here, it seems like selling the house might be bit hasty, especially if she thinks a divorce might not be necessary. What's her reason for thinking it's the thing to do?

My therapist says to avoid "Why?" questions. Because they are easily taken as some kind of challenge, even when they aren't meant that way. So, rather than asking "Why don't you trust me?" a person might ask "What have I done to lead you to believe I'm not trustworthy?" Rather than asking "Why should we sell the house?", a person might ask, "If we sell the house, where are we going to live?" or what ever question seems appropriate.

Just speaking for myself, the best thing someone can do is not so much tell me how I'm wrong as get me to think about what I'm actually doing/thinking in such a way that I come to see how messed up it is for myself. If you try to tell me I'm wrong, that's just going to add fuel to the fire. Somewhere inside, the ability to see reason still exists, it's just being bypassed as long as the whole fight/flight circuit is engaged.

 

[mellysail]

@Sweetpea76
You've been an inspiration to me for the last couple weeks and I'd like to echo everything you've said. PTSD doesn't get DF a free pass.... but I am understanding when he can't do something or when he's episodic. Last weekend he couldn't handle going to my neice's christening. I told him it was fine, brought the gift from both of us, and said he wasn't feeling well. Everyone understood.

I'd like to also echo what you said about removing yourself from the situation. I used to want to follow him into his "isolation" (for him, sleep, go figure) to try to get him to talk or figure out what was going on or whatever. I've learned that's the worst thing you can do. Now I go for a walk, grab a bite to eat or coffee out, get my hair or nails done, or even just watch TV/ read in another room of the house. That's usually enough seperation for him to cool down and start to get back to himself.

I've learned that its not me. Even without the PTSD, I can tell he's a pretty critical person, and I think that will be part of what we work on as a couple, but the PTSD makes it 100% worse. Its not my fault he had a meltdown when he lost his wallet. Its not my fault he lost his wallet. I'm not his mom. I'm his fiancee.

Hang in there! Learn as much as you can from this and other sources (the VA has a great podcast series on PTSD that might help, even if its about combat PTSD), be patient, be loving, and if you're a spiritual person, prayer doesn't hurt. If not, meditation, walks in the park or on the beach, or other quiet self reflection time are key.

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Scout,
The reasoning for selling the house is down to finances. Since PTSD has arrived she has been with-holding some financial support and it would be impossible for me to find somewhere else to live and maintain the house. So selling the house makes sense. I did offer her that she could have the proceeds' from the house in the event of a divorce if she left my pension for me. That way my wife and daughter had a place to live. I'm not sure about the change of heart regarding the divorce comes in though. Originally she went to a lawyer to seek a separation but was advised that a divorce would cost the same so why pay for both may as well get divorced and save money. She said that we could stay married, live apart and see where we go once she has started therapy but no guarantee's her feelings would change. She is also mad at me because of the issues I had with her son and her family as I've explained previously. I think her sense of cognitive thinking is screwed up and she is in denial of his/their behaviours, so when I dealt with the situation as a healthy adult. I became the bad guy.

I don't know why her reasoning has changed. I guess because divorce is so final, I'm not sure but I'm not sure of anything lately.

When she brought it up her tone was If we can't agree then the divorce option is still on the table and if things don't go her way, that's what she'll do.

On a positive note I'm taking some me time and going to meet up with some old friends of mine tonight so I'll be off line for a few hours.

Love and Best Wishes to all sufferers and supporters

 

[Fire phill]

Here we go again.
I'm really out of my depths here. I'm not sure if it's PTSD that's driving my wife or what.
So as from yesterday she wants to stay married, live apart. See where we are after she starts therapy.
If the feelings come back we're still married. If they don't then we get divorced..
Today my daughter told me that she heard my wife talking to her mother on the phone telling her that when she's settled and has the money, she will file for the divorce then.
Is her reasoning coming back or is she just trying to screw me with false hope.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds exhausting @Fire phill . She may be flip-flopping back and forth with anxiety... or she could be telling her mother what she wants to hear if her family is pushing for divorce. It is hard to say what your wife is thinking... she probably doesn't even know what she wants.

I know it probably sounds terrible, but I take some things my sufferer says when he is symptomatic with a grain of salt. Those are the times he wants to suddenly sell vehicles, move, go back to school, or make some other major decision without consideration of the future. I think he feels like making big changes will change his situation and make him feel better. Usually he is not functioning well enough to even begin to manage what he wants to do, and he'll eventually realize he was not making rash decisions.

 

[Fire phill]

I don't know her anymore. The person I knew was kind and I thought she loved me. I no longer feel I trust her. She says that she wants to separate and wait how she feels in time. Yet I also feel like she is just toying with me

 

[scout86]

@Sweetpea76 , I've got to tell you, you just gave me an "Oh.....I DO that!" moment when I really wasn't expecting one. (And I can't explain why, in the face of some things, it seems like the thing to do it take off in a new direction and totally upend the world. Somehow, in the moment, that DOES seem like a solution of some sort. Might be a good topic for a thread over on the "other side".)

@Fire phill , I don't have a clue what your wife is thinking either. There are a lot of possibilities, for sure. I see the reaction "he/she is toying with me" here kind of often. That must be how this comes across to people and I guess some people must behave that way. I'm kind of lost at understanding it that way, so I don't know if that's what she's doing. It might not be.

I DO know this, no matter how much trouble she's having right now, a relationship involves 2 people and you have a right to have your feelings, concerns, and fears honored too. She can throw your relationship away or not, that's up to her. I hope she doesn't because her family sounds like a horrible fallback position. But it doesn't seem fair to me that she expects you to just wait around until she's good and ready to let you know what the rest of your life is going to be. If you're willing to do that, that's fine. But it kind of bothers me that she's not showing any concern for you and your situation at all. I can't ever remember being so wrapped up in my own "stuff" that I didn't think the other people in my life had any rights at all, at least not for more than a few minutes. At some point, she needs to accept that there are consequences for her actions, just like everyone else.

The kind, loving person you knew may well still be somewhere inside and in the end she may come back. You're the only one who can really decide how much time and effort you want to put into waiting this out. But you DO have rights. One of the sad things about conditions like PTSD is that, sometimes, they cost you relationships.

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Scout, Thanks for the straight talking. Financially we've reached the end and the house must be sold. We can't afford a divorce.
I know pretty much the relationship is over, well it seems it is for her. My problems are my daughter and our future together. The financial crap this has caused.

 

[scout86]

You're welcome. But I really wish I had some kind of magical solution. I hope you'll be able to stay in your daughter's life. Money and stuff are just money and stuff. People are what really matters, especially kids. All my best to your whole family!