Relationship Yesterday Has Gone

[Fire phill]

Hi Sweetpea,
She claims it's me messing with her mind and that she has so many reasons to dislike me. Like this morning she was off to the doctors. I think she wants her meds dose increased coz it's not helping her sleep or the nightmares. I came down too take my daughter to school and I asked her if she was going out could she pick me up some coffee and sugar. This spiralled into an argument. She returned from the doctors, I asked how did it go? She replied "It's none of your business". Apparently a couple of weeks ago I was supposed to be going out and as she had been secretive of her movements, when asked where I was going I said it had nothing to do with her, wrong of me maybe. It appears she has hung on to that and now thrown it back on me. Fact is she has been saying that nothing in her life has anything to do with me since her PTSD kicked in. I'm in the dark about everything. I try to give her space and she has stopped speaking to me (doesn't want to) she say's every time we speak I twist it all and we end up arguing. The venom in her voice and body language is disturbing. This behaviour is getting worse day by day. She even said that her problem really isn't that bad and it's all me that's causing this. I really don't recognise her anymore. She is snapping at my daughter more frequently. When she talks to her family she is fine but constantly complains about me and how I've been reacting to what is going on.

 

[Fire phill]

oh, I forgot. She is now accusing me of being Jekyll and Hyde.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure... it HAS to be you and not her. If you aren't the problem, then she has to admit she is. Sooo frustrating.

 

[Fire phill]

Her family think I'm the problem too. Her mother has been told about the PTSD but she is too ignorant to acknowledge it is a problem and will sweep it under the carpet and blame me. Her kids only know that we are having problems and don't know about the PTSD. They just had a family day on Saturday at her mothers. I know my wife is making decisions about the future while she is untreated and I'm not sure how long into treatment it will be before she stabilises. She doesn't realise she is safe with me, she thinks I'm the enemy. I really don't know what is going on in her head. All I know is my 10 year old keeps telling me it's not my fault.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

@Fire phill, "jekyll and hyde" reminds me of my former girlfriend, who first was diagnosed with PTSD but later as having Borderline Personality Disorder. There's a book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which might help you understand more about that kind of behavior. You may at least save your own reality. Severe BPD is a tough one for therapy. The patient very often rejects therapy when the T begins to peel back the layers. Still, don't depend on labels. She sounds pretty sick and you are very confused. Good to hear she's going to try a psychiatrist though. Take care of yourself.-- stillstanding

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Stillstanding,

Although I might have said my wife seemed like she had Borderline traits, she hasn't been diagnosed Borderline.

She has however been diagnosed with extreme C-PTSD. It was her that said I was like Jekyll and Hyde not the other way round.

Like here's how it goes. I try to be nice, give her the space. She doesn't speak for days unless it's necessary. I live in silence but sometimes have to ask her stuff. Her attitude turns everything into an argument. I can't talk to her about her PTSD because she say's I'm pushing her away. In her mind I'm nice then nasty(Jekyll and Hyde).

The reason I thought of borderline was the way she abruptly told me she didn't love me anymore and didn't like me. I don't want to diagnose my wife, I'll leave that to the professionals. Currently she is being assessed by a Community Mental Health Team here in the UK and is awaiting her first appointment with a psychiatrist. She has said she will wait about the divorce but still wants to separate/sell house/etc. Living with her is unbearable and I can't wait to sell the house. I still love her very much and wish she gets better. It hurts like f*** and there's nothing I can do. I don't know if this is down to the PTSD or what. She does not, will not communicate to me what's going on. For all I know she could have just gone off me, although it was literally overnight. I'm out of the loop, heading off to an unknown future without a clue as to why.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

Hi Phill, Thanks for your reply. I meant to apply the Jekyll and Hyde behavior to her. I experienced that with my former girlfriend, with her changing attitudes from loving to hateful sometimes in a span of seconds. She almost controlled me with the threat of her turning into a monster.

She had all nine of the diagnostic symptoms for BPD, including hinted threats of suicide, and it only takes five of those symptoms to confirm BPD. I took her seriously that she could kill herself if we ever broke up. There were multiple external crises that I felt obliged to help with. And eventually, she owed me a sizable amount of money which I knew I'd never see again if I split from her. I stopped talking about friends and family, since she was prone to attack my other relationships. Even my being friendly with a waitress at dinner could cause a screaming, food-throwing episode of paranoia, aimed at anyone around.

I already was seeing a therapist for PTSD, so it was helpful to have a professional T throughout the eleven years I tolerated that relationship. I left that girlfriend nearly four years ago, and my therapist is helping me recover from that too. Take care of yourself.
The book I recommended may be quite appropriate for you--"Stop Walking on Eggshells".

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Stillstanding,
My wife is at the moment more of a Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll. I only thought of borderline because of the sudden change and the fact she seems to have me painted black (all bad). She has never shown signs of suicide or really even bad behaviour prior to the turn of events last April. Never had any tantrums. Yes she was critical regarding my relationship prior to her. She never tried to control me. As I have said before the only real problems we had were involving her family (kids) and their behaviour towards me, which was nice in the begining and then got worse especially her son, as I've explained before. The last two years have been relatively peaceful with a lot of love. She has everything you could wish for. Nice house by the ocean, beautiful Daughter, dog, cat a job she likes and an adoring husband. She is safe with me. I believe that her PTSD and outside influences (her family) have brought us to where we are. Hopefully with treatment and therapy hopefully she will learn that her family is toxic and her feelings will come back, or maybe not. It is in Gods hands. I am learning that I can only change me. This is her trip. I have told her that I'll always be there for her but at the moment she thinks she can go it alone

 

[Fire phill]

Ok, I think I've really screwed up.
I spoke to my one of my wife's daughters to explain what is going on to try to get some support. It has backfired and she told her mother. I also left some literature lying around explaining about PTSD in the hope my wife might read and understand more about what is happening to her. I'm afraid it has only fuelled her anger towards me.

 

[Sangamo]

I am sorry. I know all to well what you are going through. I went through a similar situation for 4 years. Praying for you

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Sangamo,
Thanks for your reply. Please tell me did you stay together. My wife hasn't started treatment yet. She has an appointment with psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I hoping once she has stabilised it might get better

 

[Sangamo]

Fire Phill,
Yes and no. She left me after 2 years for about a year. But never got out of touch. I think she knew who was there for her but didn't want to admit it. Finial she just snapped on night and broke down. Once she recognized and actually said she had a problem it seemed to let her see I was there for her and that I loved her. She's got a fantastic dr who has helped greatly. It's still a constant struggle of ups and downs though. I have to stop sometimes and focus on the good days. Makes the bad ones less stressful hope things progress in the right direction for you and your family.