Childhood "you Don't Sound Enthusiastic About That"

[Bananie]

My mother just said that to me after I said "Love you" at the end of the call. Mind you, I had already said it, she must not have heard me say it, so she said it, then waited for me to say it, so I said it louder, which must have made me sound less enthusiastic.
You know what b****??? You're lucky I still TALK to you. NICELY. I try to never be mean to you, no matter how mean you've been to me my whole friggin life. Nothing will ever be good enough for you.
We have a family story that we laugh at, well, in my family we laugh, if I tell other people and laugh, they give me a strange look. Shortly after my sister had moved out of the house, I called her up crying "mom's gonna kill me!!!" "where are you?" "In a closet!!!" then she heard mom yelling, and the phone went dead and no one picked up, because mom was beating me. I've always heard "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight." "your thighs look like two ham hocks" "are you getting fatter again?" "I'm going to sell you to the indians" etc.
I've always been mad at her, for giving me to my dad. For not being a wife and my dad turning to me. Recently, I've thought, I think she actually did sexual abuse to me as well. Causing medical procedures to have to be done. But through it all, she's mom, she's family, I have to be nice, she's old, she doesn't remember that, she had her own problems, I have to be the bigger person and get over it.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE! WHY SHOULD I????

 

[Fadeaway]

Why should you be nice to someone just because they are family? If Ted Bundy was your family or Charles Manson, do you still think you would be obligated to be nice? Hell no! You are not obligated to be nice to someone who beat you as a child.

 

[Killashandra]

Just cut her out. I do aplogise for my post, I am not in a good mood at all and it stems from my family. . Bad dreams.all night long. ..

If you don't want to do it anymore, then cut the woman out of your life. Why should she darken your doorstep at any time of the day. She is deluded to think that she can have a loving mother daughter relationship when she beat you and left you and emotional and physically hurt you. I personally have had enough . Surrogate and step father have been cut loose,

 

[Bananie]

Thank you guys for responding. I guess I'm just not ready to give up my whole family yet. I know I wouldn't be popular if I cut my mom off. I guess I'd still have my sister. Cause she knows mom's true side.
@Fadeaway I do like that way of looking at it!!!!
@Killashandra Sorry for your dreams :(
Thank you both for the new perspectives. Well, should I say old (I've heard or read it before), but, finally clicked in a new way to me. I'm not under obligation to be nice, and she is delusional to think we could have a normal relationship at all. But I may have been the delusional one there. I kinda have been trying to make it normal, by fixing myself. But the more I work on myself, the less inclined I am to that direction.
which is scary AND exciting.

 

[One step at a time]

There is no requirement for you to say "I love you" to a person who not only did not love you, but also hurt you repeatedly, when her job was to take care of you and keep you safe and give you tools to deal with the world. You are probably right that in a relationship with an abusive person, no matter what you do - or how you change yourself - the relationship is unlikely to become safer (or more "normal").

For me, the choice was between continuing to try to please bio-family, or loving and respecting myself. I stopped saying "I love you" to some people who expect it. They were not any kinder when I was saying those words. Now, I say them when I love and trust a person who loves and respects me.

Sending support - new perspectives are very scary and exciting!

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Oh @Bananie I've thought about you a lot b/c you're hilarious and I totally resonate with your vibe! now I know why - I have a similar background.

My mother sexually abused me but so much of it was covert incest that I didn't even know she did that to me until recently. It took decades to figure it out and name it and I've only started telling people since the beginning of last year!

My entire family on that side has stopped talking to me b/c I started being public about my mother and eventhough they MUST know she's absolutely batsh*t crazy, I'm not sure they really believe all this could have happened. She's a narcissist so most people think she's just a charming dreamboat or they're terrified of her and just bend to her will. My father is also on anxiety meds like me and only those of us who are close know the truth about her.

I know it goes against ALOT of societal norms and is a personal sacrifice to be open about this stuff!

 

[Killashandra]

Your not delusional, you've just tried to make it work. You want a happy normal life there is not delusion in that. As a society we've been trained to love our mothers regardless... however in Einsteins words.... if you keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results that, is the delusional.

Perhaps try a different way... you know what hurts my surrogate the most... is ignoring her. She can't stand it. Your more than welcome to look at my diaries when it comes to my surrogate. I don't know how many times I have told her to stay away from me and my family, and I don't know how many times I've been told... have a good life. That's her way of making me feel guilty and it doesn't work anymore,

Excellent posts thou people and some good presepectives, ,,

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I guess I'm just not ready to give up my whole family yet.

It's a difficult transition to cutting one's family off. Then you've got yourself and if you're in a relationship, that one and your friends, and that's it. Not an easy task.

I did it in 1988. I was married with few friends yet support from a huge community of survivors. So it wasn't hard. Years later, it feels okay now with less friends and no physical, in person community of survivors. (I started support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse and I no longer lead/run groups.) I didn't feel guilt cutting them off. Though I vacillated between wanting to reconnect with them and staying away from them.

During that indecision time, one therapist told me to treat my family as if they were senile. That helped me so much. And it also helped me to solidify staying away from them permanently.

For me it wasn't healthy maintaining a relationship with my mother. She was a narcissist. I remember the first time I told my mother to go f--- herself when she got into my business. The look on her face was priceless. At that time I wasn't old enough and lacked the support to cut off ties with her and my FOO.

 

[Bananie]

Then there are the times, like today, when the visits are actually somewhat pleasant, and I feel bad that I even posted about her.
I only drink tea at mom's house, and she'll always make me a cuppa when I get in, and she has digestive biscuits. Lol, writing that though, I'm like, wow, that's such a little kid thing to say.
Today we watched Escape to the Country, and had a few laughs. She's just old and frail and sad now.
I just remembered that I told my T, early on in EMDR, that I was doing it (therapy, emdr) for her.
Translation; I want to change my thoughts and feelings enough that I can be friendlier with her again, want to spend time with her. I used to.
Sigh.
Thanks for listening and inputting guys. I've wanted to write back to everyone individually, but my brain doesn't seem to want to....I dunno, work? Lately. At least in that way.....
Anywho, thank you thank you thank you!