You Take My Anchor, It Belongs With You Go Hang Yourself. I Will Not Hang My Brother.

[Abrasky]

I 've been getting back memories lately. I grew up in my family with a brother and although we fought like cats and dogs, but we got through tour hellish domestic violence family with supporting each other. I am lucky to have such a wonderful brother.Tonight, I got back an emotional memory. I have this emotional memory and it feels like hate and anger.

The memory of this flashback came back tonight as the result of a therapy session. It's an emotional memory, I had the physical memory before. I couldn't remember the emotional part of the memory. So I suddenly remembered my dad screaming and yelling and being pissy at everyone on and on for months. I had this insight when my dad was screaming at my brother and attacking his work ethic. From the mood I had an inight that hurt me more than anything else. I realised the intense pain of feeling that someone I had nutured as a big sister or mommy copier had been hurt. Hurting me, didn't hurt as much as this. How do you heal when you felt your view of your loved ones being safe is ripped like an anchor from the sand? Wrap it around your neck? or your loved one? or blame the person that caused it, the moron step- father.

Sorry letting some steam off.

 

[krystina]

It's ok to vent every now and then. I can understand what you went through and it is tough when your own caretakers are like the way you explained. You think you can do nothing right. Believe me I think this may be because your own dad must have been yelled at and screamed at as a kid. It is the same thing with my own dad except that he has gotten help for it and has gotten so much better in the past three years.

 

[Abrasky]

I try to recreate this mood my father was in because it caused me so much pain. It was the same mood he used on the family and me for months and months when he came to my room and I kept refusing to go to his room anymore. It was a mood he used on my brother when I was 19. I call it the he's not allowed to sexually abuse mood.

I realised today I try to piss people off to get this mood of anger flashback of my dad back, When I was 9, I started trying to make people angry by saying things that would make them angry. I am a pain. I have been trying to get the memroy back by pissing people off and subconsiously didn't realise it. When my brother was yelled at I had an epiphany, that I have just remembered. I remembered looking at my dad and thinking he is trying to make my brother angry by being at and at him. It was a lightbulb moment. I do that. I try to make people angry. There I admitted it. Took 18 years. I'm a big pain. It's why I dont' have any relationships.

 

[Nyx]

I try to make people angry. There I admitted it. Took 18 years. I'm a big pain. It's why I dont' have any relationships.

Question is: are you happy with this?

 

[Abrasky]

I am glad I was able to reclaim not being a pain. It is one thing to reclaim at a time. A long journey.

You are always happy with something unless you want to change it.

 

[Hlost]

It is a long journey, I agree. I don't know if I am always happy with something unless I want to change it, it is what I know though, what I do and what I repeat until I know something else and see a different result.

I'm glad you have found out something so deep about yourself! How great is that and so important to the make up of your future, choice. Now you have choice. I am finding having choice is very powerful, aren't you??

Hlost